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mediate
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(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

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real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

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PO BOX 780398
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send me some music
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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2004-05-22 - 7:43 p.m.

gotta vent


a bit of a challenging day around casa de candoor as the $36 I splurged on for pizza (and a calzone for Precious) that I thought was going to feed me all weekend was gone when I woke up... Rasputin helped himself to almost half a pizza... he hasn't done that without asking before and almost always pays for his share (which would be $24, since I was just laying out the money for Precious)... as today drifted by, they went to lunch and then called after they ate to find out if I wanted to go to a movie (his treat), so he hasn't actually gone into mooching habits (but I didn't eat, remember?)... I decided I didn't want to do a movie today as I was getting hungry and did not want to spend more money on food this weekend when I have food in the house... that's when I realized that the underlying reason I was splurging for food for the weekend was the kitchen was at peak mess stage and cooking would not be possible without scrubbing down counters, doing the dishes piled on them and in the sink and on the stove, and scrubbing the stove (including the burner, as Precious made mac n cheese sometime during the eek and cheese was everywhere... one of these days I'll have to take Raspy shopping so he can pay for some replacements for the things Precious eats)... I finally got them into the kitchen to clean when I went to the fridge and found all my food moved to the bottom shelf (which is broken, though neither of them will admit to breaking it and I know I didn't do it) because their cases of Pepsi needed more room (bending to the bottom shelf is too close to exercise)... I reminded them that there is a third person living with them and a little consideration would be fair... they agreed, especially after I took several containers out of the fridge and set them on the counter and they noticed they were full of food that needed to be thrown out that they stored weeks ago... they don't eat leftovers... yes, of course, my containers... everything in the kitchen, except the broken toaster, came out of my pockets... they rarely turn off lights, or fans, or TV, and stand in front of the fridge and freezer to cool off and the electric bill arrive today (did I mention it was a frustrating day?) and it topped $150 this month... yes, I still have not settled up all the bills for the past ten months with Rasputin... it would be so much easier if he was just responsible and paid attention, or if they were just roommates I could toss out, but we're family of sorts and I'm not going to let Precious go hungry or superficial stuff like messy habits get in the way of heart stuff... even if I grumble about not being able to afford her here now and then... there's a frustration and whining and venting, but also a grin in all this somewhere...

maybe you've got to have kids to understand, huh?...

there are many benefits to living alone... I can control my eating habits and motivate myself to exercise and focus on creativity and get into a much healthier routine and have people over without cleaning up behind roommates... on the other hand, it's usually much more economical to share expenses... on the other hand, it's been much more expensive since Rasputin moved in and even more expensive since Precious moved in since most of the house expenses are ignored by them... just like the trash they pile up and the clutter/mess in the kitchen and living room and TV that never goes off and... well, sometimes I think I would be much better off living alone and in many ways I would be, but it is also good to have family around, even if they are not biological family and may disappear from my life the way everyone else has over the years... am I feeling alone on my own today or what?...

ok, so I vented, lamented, and am now contented...

well, sorta...

Rasputin is sleeping, Precious is watching TV (seeking attention in the living room, as usual, as opposed to watching her TV in her bedroom... and I'll probably miss her when she's not doing it too, but don't tell her ok?... we've gone through the Harry Potter DVD again and then the channel surfing game as she keeps looking back at me for some reaction and doesn't seem to notice that I was not watching TV, am not interested in TV, and am focused on typing, copying CDs, browsing and reading), and I am sitting here trying to figure out what happened to my creative juices... I mean, the rhymes (or poetry and music) has not been as silent as it is right now for this long in... years, at least... the answer is probably obvious... there's a backlog of crap (oh no, so this mood is my fault?... aaawwwww, shaddup)... I have not thrown myself a pity party in a while... I have not done any of the things I usually do to stimulate myself and rejuvenate my creativity... these are the times I get so apathetic (and self-pathetic) that I wait for someone else to come along and do it for me, I don't even go out seeking inspirations... lazy... dumb... waste...

the TV has settled on flipping between VH1 where the worst songs of all time are being counted down (which only goes to prove the superficiality of western culture as commercial success is so much more about attitude and packaging than substance) and the comedy channel where Jeff Foxworthy is talking about the froth on urine samples... apparently Precious finds him hysterical, though her laughter is connected to her turning around to look at me as if I am paying attention and supposed to respond... I suppose I am distracted enough to be somehow paying attention, but I don't appear to be paying attention as my fingers are continuously tapping keys... anyway, sometimes he cracks me up, but sometimes redneck humor which is so largely based on prejudices, homophobia, sexism, insensitivity, and not much intellect or education requires a less frustrated with humanity mood than I am in at the moment... yes, I get way too serious sometimes... Eddie Izzard would probably strike me as too needy... even Robin Williams might appear pathetic to me at the moment... George Carlin might get through... but then, I must face the mirror and remember the wise words from the Talmud, "we do not see things so much as they are as we see things as we are," or something like that...

where did I put those rose-colored glasses, anyway?...

yes, I am definitely looking through crappy glasses tonight... I think I'll take a walk and see what happens... take a walk, now that an odd idiom... anyway, if you found any connections with anything you've ever thought in this entry, well, maybe you know cynicism too... or whatever it is I might have rambled on about... the best thing about being me may be that when I am in these unpleasant moods I can pour it all into words and then forget whatever details it was that bugged me in the first place...

except for the blaring commercials, they may never become entertainment for me...






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