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2004-01-01 - 9:09 a.m. everywhere you go there is food what is it about this culture, or is it humanity in general and the difference in this culture is the plenty, the abundance, the luxury that poorer cultures might envy or hate or call decadence... would most humans become food-addicted if given the opportunity?... are most humans craving oral gratification to the point of fixation?... and we substitute food for a kiss... whether we want to admit it or not, we are sensual beings... no matter how repressed, no matter how underground we try to bury our desires, we feel them... that's where the subconscious comes in... and that's why there are so many ways to use the word hunger... anyway, after a good workout and mediocre meal (basic american processed frozen dinner food) and a final entry for 2003, I head to work and find... a buffet... hundreds of chicken wings... pizza... ice cream... cheese cake... I stopped looking... I ate some of this and some of that and felt decadently bloated and had to use the rest room (#2) twice, which is rare for work, and here I am wondering just how to stay consistently healthy in this culture... will power, of course... but that so often means passing up or barely participating in social events... and I have so little social life as it is these days... alas, I shall find the balance again eventually (hopefully before this body dies)... continuing the workouts is the right path... the theory is (at least it worked in the past) that this body will reach a wall (made of abdominal muscles, among other things) and my mind will remember that perspective that is more me than the perspective I currently use to get around in daily life and will power will return and I'll laugh at the fool i've been and cry over spilt milk and wasted time and opportunities lost and then pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again forging ahead back in the moment living this life as me... these words may be unclear and easily misunderstood (kind of goes with the territory of being away from the core of self) as happens when I attempt to explain me (it's really just passing the time, something to do during this procrastinating phase, even if nobody knows what I mean... I may be misrepresenting, but I mean no harm... even as I run to the bathroom again... there is something to be said for purity, I suppose... for integrity... for honesty... for infallably following a rules that seems perfect, like a golden rule, like do no harm, like you can not take another life forms life energy... but there may be a deeper order to thinks than any order we might find when we find the ultimate order, the ultimate explanation for everything (the unified theory?) and that may be that for every rule, even perfection (should perfection be an attainable experience), there is an exception... a higher order... perhaps that is chaos... and perhaps trying to find answers... order... explanations... theories... perhaps all this thinking and figuring out and understanding we do is just passing the time, all this attempting to control is just something to do while procrastinating, while avoiding the ultimate truth... that there is no order... no control... that there are only random acts that can form series and can be pulled together by various forces, including our own desires, but ultimately it's just a momentary illusion of order... and when all is said and done, like it or not, believe it or not, face it or not, the best we can do is just enjoy it... eat, drink, and be merry...
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