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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2006-09-27 - 3:51 a.m.

perhaps expounding is not the right word


well that took a bit longer than anticipated (if you were actually around here for the last two days), but then, perhaps that's what I meant in the last place... silly us...

of course if you weren't around at all, it doesn't matter and in the end, this entry and the entire meaning of life could be overlooked as it slips by in some other time line before anyone notices... whatever the case, we now continue from where the previous entry left off...

a few entries ago, or rather, way back in the RealTime blog there was an entry entitled why am I still awake or something like that and it was much more babbling than is allowed in the RealTime blog which is supposed to be about RealTime (duh) in brevity, that is, brief summaries of life offline as it happens...

so it's been brought here and as often is the case here, expounding is happening cuz, well, expounding happens here... the original entry, in some attempt to bring some continuity to this multi-entry expoundation, if that is at all possible, was about being awake a long time and the whys and wherefores that happened... this might be considered, if the broken up series of entries here could be considered anything worthy of individual names, the Precious segment of the long and winding series of entries because it's all her fault...

and with that sort of introduction, let's let it get started...

I am (or was, to be more precise, but then, time is relative and therein mostly relatively meaningless here behind the candoor, as you ought to well know by now) still here awake because the concert was good in spite of the conservative ghestapo (I know I am not spelling that the German way, I think, so don't get all spelling Gestapo on me, ok?... pretend I did it on purpose and move along) and the energy is still flowing and the night just does not want to end (especially not alone)...

but that's not the reason I am still awake...

Precious decided, without making it quite clear, to dump me (oh, the poor treatment I get sometimes) and meet her friends after the concert and drive up home with them and, as an added bonus, apparently to sleep over there with best friend Dreamer... the there happens to be at the house of the gay guy from the show mentioned above (so perhaps that was a little part of the point, a pints worth, perhaps)...

they claim he is not just acting the part of gay, in fact, so he's safe and he's not getting a mnage a trois tonight and I suppose I (no really, I do) trust Precious enough to believe that even thought she didn't tell me the whole story (though she did tell me she told me, last night, that she might be going out with her friends after the concert and she did mention she and Dreamer might sleep over his house, so maybe she did tell me, but she didn't mention anything to her dad and that may be the point here)...

I am pretty sure that she did not mention the fact (and I use the term loosely) that, at least according to Dreamer's parents (who are quite restrictive), that I was supposedly driving all of them, chaperoning, so to speak, and that Dreamer's parents were told Dreamer is sleeping over here under my watchful eyes {read nothing ulterior or perverse in that one even though she's adorable cuz I am the responsible one in all this, remember) because they'd have never allowed her out that late or sleeping over if they didn't think that I was the responsible party in all this (and they are already wondering just how responsible I am what with all the concerts I am taking Precious and her to... yeah, they are that protective and controlling... and Dreamer is one of the most responsible people I know, is the Lighting Director for shows, works for the school and community events after school, saved up enough to go to Europe next summer by working at Target, and takes care of her car well and still she has to call them every time she goes anywhere... I mean "I'm leaving this house now" and I just got to the store now" and so on every time she arrives or leaves just about anywhere... am I being judgmental?... yeah well, it seems way overboard {and very undermining to a person's self-esteem} to me)...

I wasn't planning on going off on Dreamer's parents, but I see over-controlling parents too often turning out very unprepared kids because ultimately they are disrespecting the kid so much by not giving them even a little trust and respect that they develop no self-respect or self-esteem and can easily become basket cases when they are suddenly facing being on their own when the same parents who over-protected them for 17 or 18 years turns the tables and demands independence and throws guilt trips when the kids are not ready to leave the nest or when the kid runs away from the nest still not prepared for an independent life, but afraid to turn to the parents who will mock them for failing just because they might need a little advice or help...

and yes, Dreamer's parents can be that blind to their controlling and lack of respect for Dreamer, but let's continue with our story of reasons I am still awake now... such subterfuge as described kind of haphazardly a couple of paragraphs ago is normal for most kids, but not for Precious and me and it bugged me enough to keep me awake wanting to write here (you reading this Precious?)...

we did have a brief heart to heart in the car before her friends drove up (mostly mine owning up to the shithead I've been in some ways lately... her turn, should she choose to accept it, will come later this week, I hope... if not, the respect may not be there anymore and it may never have been real in the first place {ooooo, how worst-case-scenario of me, huh?}... there's more beneath the surface and I have my thoughts {and they relate to a dad who is kind of there on again off again and even more, I think, avoiding facing the coming responsibilities of life and picking up her dad's avoidance and less desirable habits cuz they may seem easier and maybe she's just afraid of growing up... or I could be wrong}, but I'll let her tell me if she wants to)...

but that's not why I am still awake...

well, yes it is, but that's not the only reason... so then (yes, even more to raise my blood pressure and have me sitting here rambling away), I find the computer frozen and CDs out of place as I sit down here (and I have no idea when that could have happened, the CDs, that is, because I left the house last and came home first, but maybe Precious slipped over here when I wasn't looking before we left for the concert... anyway, it's the computer, not the CDs, that prickle my peace)...

the computer apparently locked up during a virus scan, possibly because I shut it down during the scan not knowing the scan was going on (it automatically sets it to scan daily, I've learned tonight), but when I turned it back on after shutting it down with the power button, the computer turned itself off in mid-boot...

so the next time it came up in Safe Mode and I did a virus scan and found no viruses, but did find some errors on the boot sectors and when I tried to make a recovery disk I didn't realize it would need more than seven floppies (and all this time passing, 25 minutes to do the scan, 20 minutes to create the recovery disks, and what time is it?... at this point somewhere around 3am, I think) and the process was aborted due to an error even after I found enough disks and put seven through...

and so I came here, to think...

it ain't easy being one of those who live in the madhouse on the other side of the wall (kudos to Kahlil Gibran and so on)...

wanna see part four? J






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