LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
WHITE



last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
(how far are we from censorship?)

ONE. . . WHY
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o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

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ABOUT ZOOPLA

o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o


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HELP THE RED CROSS
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NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL

(MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL)
(INCLUDING LIVE CAM AND PHOTOS)

HELP AND BE HELPED
HURRICANE HOUSING
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THE FAILURE


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(202) 456-1111

Senate and Congress
(202) 224-3121

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USE THEM





FAT MAN WALKING
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FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-12-05 - 9:00 a.m.

the end of the world as I know it, maybe


tonight has been a frustrating night... instead of rambling on wherever my mind wanted to go (which is kind of like a daily meditative release for me), I found the rambling I did last night (which felt like an important assessment of my current life in black and white, which is a major stepping stone to actually making changes) was somehow corrupted and lost... so tonight was spent half trying to figure out how to rebuild the file so I could recover the text and half trying to rethink the thoughts so I could re-write them because I could not get Win98 or XP (I tried on two computers) to fix the file... I tried a few dozen tricks, but I obviously do not know the right one...

I must learn more tricks...

if anyone wants to get me a holiday gift, I'd love the gift of information and here's some bits of information I'd love to find for Win98, Word 2000, and eventually, Win XP (which I do not have at the moment but hopefully will get as a new computer is becoming almost mandatory if I am to continue rambling online):

how to recover a file that was deleted from the recycled bin...

how to recover the text from a file that's been corrupted in MS Word when the recover the text from any file feature does not work...

how to change the properties of more than one file at once or make a global change for all existing files on a computer...

how to change the author (properties info) in MS Word for multiple files...

how to get Windows Registry Checker to stop rebuilding the user.dat and system.dat files at every reboot or start up...

how to stop Microsoft IE from crashing/freezing regularly...

how to stop the computer from freezing/crashing regularly...

how to save the world...

these gifts of information would be much more appreciated (and much more helpful) than most any material gift... this file corruption thing has happened before in transferring words from my work computers to my home computer... it could be the conversions from different Windows operating systems or different versions of Word, but I think the corruption may have involved the password protected status of the files... maybe I should stop doing that, but I don't like leaving my ramblings on work computers when they are not password protected...

my solution, for now, is to use notepad and verify the file opening correctly before I leave work and first thing when I get home and leave the file in the recycling bin on the work computers... I did most of that last night... I saved the file to a floppy disk and opened the file from the floppy to make sure it was ok and then I deleted the files... I did not open the file when i got home though... I think I put the disk in my computer and did a few other things and fell asleep... but when I woke, the computer was frozen again and the file was corrupted, so maybe it's the ancient computer at home that freezes frequently that corrupted the file...

anyway, with all that whining of an introduction, here comes the ponderings from last night as well as I could reconstruct them tonight (which is not nearly as clear or positive or well as I felt them last night)...



I may have already reflected on this next thought, but it's coming back around again... it's not that I'm avoiding writing much... though I am allowing the gamer in me to distract me from the fact that I am feeling lonely for often than is productive (after a few lonely songs, the feeling gets kind of frustrating and eventually leads to numb)... until I started writing more at work, I was getting rather frustrated with the minimal writing time I get at home... I have little time for myself at home unless I stay up in the morning and that's probably not the healthiest schedule because then I eat and nod off and that doesn't help the sluggish metoabolism...

I think I am suffering from PTFS... post traumatic fat syndrome... I read that somewhere and found it hit a chord deep within the DSM IV of my psyche... I just could not stop laughing... that's not the first time, either... a few things have hit my funny bone rather effectively lately... I forget what the others are at the moment, but they'll probably turn up eventually...

but back to PTFS, it's probably not going to actually be listed in the DSM V when that finally comes out and I don't think it's in DSM IV, but it oughta be... a sub category of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) for those of us who react to stress primarily by eating and getting lazy... those with a very high metabolism might not show the weight gain attribute, but thin people can suffer from it as well... if you find yourself reacjing for nachos or ice cream or cake or any sort of food whenever you feel stressed and are prone to sitting or laying around a lot, you may have it too... it often is a preliminary sign or contributing factor for depression...

and I may be wasting life force by veging too much (this is the pessimist's view... the optimist says that there is good purpose for vegetating through periods of life, kind of like letting the ground go fallow for a season or few) and not sharing it broadly enough (sounds heavy, huh?... so many different ways to say the same thing... at least I didn't get all intellectual on myself... or did I?)...

the mind is a terrible thing to waste, but on the other hand, it could be worse... perhaps a worse thing to do with a mind is to use it without compassion or conscience... and today I am facing the simple cold hard fact that many people do use their minds without compassion or conscience... even worse still, there appears to be a corrolation between such folk who use their minds without compassion or conscience and acceleration up the ladder of corporate success... this sigh of frustration and sadness inspired by renewing that realization is exacerbated by the fact that this particular atmosphere of vindictive paranoia and pretentious power struggles occurs in a hospital who's mission is to help children who've been abused by parents who, in many cases, act just like the administrators and some staff...

let's see if I can summarize...

Berry, Bert, and Elpien have been put on notice that one more write-up and they will be fired... meanwhile the issues we discussed at the meetings that brought about closer review by administration have not been addressed and the staff who sleep on the job, come in an hour or more late regularly, and refuse to do their job properly continue to get away with their entitled behavior... it is increasingly apparent that administration does not want to hear about the fact that they've overlooked certain entitled staff for many years and that is creating an unfair work environment and leaving those who do go out of their way to make sure the work gets done feeling frustrated and unappreciated... it may be time to let it go for a while...

Bert and Berry will be fine, I think... Bert's been looking for a way out of Orlando anyway and this just might be the push they need to head out west... he lived in Seattle for a while and loved it there, though might have been effected by SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and they might try to go south where the sun shines more... Berry's cousin lives in LA (Los Angeles, as opposed to Louisiana) and she was strongly considering moving here to live with them and now they might do that out west... the idea of heading west again is very appealing to me too... maybe in a couple of years...

Elpien, on the other hand, is rather depressed... she has a very kind heart deep down, but her insecurity gets in her way... she appears to have few friends and no family down here in spite of living in Orlando for many years... she is very insecure, emotionally very needy, and grossly obese... she has a habit of finding negative things to say about people and I don't even think she realizes it (she denies it when it's pointed out), but her conversations are and bonding is largely based on hating on others... she's also very loud, controlling, extremely lazy, likes to be center of attention, and reacts very poorly to being wrong or making a mistake... she is generally argumentative and provokes others when not getting her way... she seeks allies in bad-mouthing others, not just to bond, but probably as a defense mechanism (I was her target when she was forced on the night shift because I was the senior staff who set up the system we use and she wanted me out so she could be perceived as in charge in practice, not just in title... trouble is she didn't have much of a clue about what we do and still {because of laziness, mostly} only knows a fraction of the details Berry and I do each night... you may recall my mentioning the negativity in my rambles about work from a year or two ago)... Berry, Bert, and I have tried to help her, Bert even cooked and brought in healthy meals for her (and they all ate the same thing) for six months, but to no avail...

she is, most of the time, good with the kids and as kind and generous as she can be at times with us, she refuses to take any responsibility for her bad habits and consciously claims to see no need for any changes in her ways... her negativity and depression is challenging to tolerate for long and that's probably why she has few friends, maybe none at the moment...

I ponder these details because she's called me a few times recently to vent her frustrations and express her depression and while I empathize, I must keep some distance from someone that needy for it's like a vacuum that can not be satisfied from outside... I've got to think about the influences I am letting near me on a daily basis... she's frequently asking us to order in food (pizza, wings, subs) and that is the last thing I need to be doing (for my wallet and my belly)... alas,I've got to be prepared to say no in the right way because she gets defensive and offended very easily...

besides, I've got my own demons to dance with, or hopefully around...

and it does not look like I'll be making any drastic changes like changing cities or moving for a while (we just renewed our lease for another year) or changing jobs (unless management has other plans for me and that wouldn't surprise me the way they act around here)... so I'll just have to grit my teeth and make healthy changes in the routine without any exciting external assistance (the excitement of relocating and starting over somewhere is always an easy impetus to motivate changes in lifestyle and habits)... all by myself (I sure could sing that song right about now)...

shadup whiner, just get to the gym more and live more economically (I definitely blow money on dining out and junk too much) so I can build a savings for future relocations, getting stuff out of storage, and ultimately, retirement...

yes, it would be nice to retire again...

and still be healthy when I do...



it was about there I slide into rhyme that came from feeling the neediness and insecurity all around me (and the loneliness inside as I find no one to relate to me where I am, as I am) and wanting to help everyone and knowing I am not in any position to help or save the world, even if that was possible (and I did my best to reconstruct that as well)... such a reconstruction is not easy in my current state, which is frustrated by technological glitches at the moment and over the longer course of the last few years, mostly dead and occasionally sleepwriting hopes and dreams and fantasies and memories and flitting in and out of ambivalence and candor and consciousness (that is, the level of conscious awareness I know as me... I am not actually sure when the last time I was there, really)...

there is more to my ramblings than what meets the eye here behind the candoor... and still more beyond if you are interested and have a few years to spend reading... and then, there's the stuff in storage... and the someday I hope will come before I die, that someday when someone will live to share it all (as I share her lifetime of creation and more... always more)...

and then there's the music...

and the master of subtle understatement strikes again

maybe I'll talk myself into getting on the trail or to the gym when I get home and find a way to feel good about facing just how out of shape I've slid in this past year... yeah, won't that be some sort of manic depressive mood swing give the sarcastic bummer of a mood I am in at the moment (so bummed, even my sarcasm fails me... but perhaps not the poet?...

maybe it's the end of the world as I know it and I feel fine but don't know it...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




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the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

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AND WHATDYA MISS?
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