wait, there's more (but I hope I don't get this morosely (more-o-soul-y?) introspective too often or I'll have to resort to sparkle honey, we're losing them and other such stolen quotes)... and the excitement continues to build (not Steven Wright)...

ok, so here it is (nothing up my sleeve... or is it fan mail from a flounder?... what will become of our heros?)... sometimes I wonder if I am full of crap... that is, maybe I am fooling myself and not anything like the dream I have always believed myself to be inside... have I lost something fundamental?... maybe there's no profundity, no real depth of meaning, only flippancy and irreverent cover... but then, I know I am real inside, so where does this feeling come from (it is like a low buzzing under my skin or then, maybe more like the thinnies in Stephen King's Dark Tower series... it comes and goes, but has been growing in recent years)... maybe it comes from being alone too long... I mean, here I am, in love with the idea of being in love and, at least in words, open and honest and fearless in sharing, hiding nothing, as I've always felt I was in the physical sharings through this life as well... and now I wonder (uh-oh, wait, this is serious)... is my heart no longer pure?... am I no longer certain of my harmless intentions?... or is it simply that I no longer can actualize unconditional trust as I used to...

the question comes from considering the why as in why have I been alone so long?... logic tells me that it is not simply that I have not met the right person (even though the fact is that I do not meet people in my physical world too often these days)... logic tells me that I must be sending out stay away from me vibs... or at least I'm not ready signals, somehow... do I not make eye contact the way I used to?... do I not smile as I used to?... am I not as open in the physical world as I used to be?...

the frustration, if there is some, comes from not being sure... for no matter who I think I am or how I think I feel or what image I believe I present to the world, until someone actually opens the door to unconditional trust, intimacy, deeper sharing, there is no way to know for sure... it does not become real until the sharing actually happens... that is the test, the proof, the reality...

so am I singing the logical song again?...

maybe... but I do know who I am... and I think there's enough consistency in my free-associative babble and my rhymes and my writings across my various diaries and journals to at least be prooof that I can express who I am (who I believe myself to be)...

ok, dig deeper...

the doubt, if it is doubt, (it may be more frustration from being alone so long) comes from how badly I (my heart) was fooled and how much I lost (everything) by daring to actualize unconditional trust in the physical world way beyond any logic or good sense... I used to do it naturally, without thinking about it... rarely did I find anyone who wanted it all, that is, rarely did I find someone who could share everything so unconditionally... and then I found some who took advantage... and then, destroyers...

so have I been destroyed?... tainted beyond return to the purity of the unconditional?... spoiled, ruined (or roont), beyond repair, over, done, wasting my time to continue believing I could actualize the dream even if the opportunity presented itself again?... am I so afraid of this possibility I undermine any chance for success?... so afraid I have already lost, I stopped playing the game?... am I just going through the motions of emotions here in words and playing professional and avoiding any personal intimacy?... good grief, am I exposing too much?... or too little?...

if I never asked these questions... if I did not share all this during this time between, this alone time, I might be viewed as cooler... or maybe more attractive... or maybe even more positive... more worthwhile, even... sharing these words makes this time of wandering through the desolate landscape that follows the tragedy of the end of trust and comes before the next big thing, the next shared moment of trust (in the physical world... I suppose this exposure at these weaker moments is a form of trust, for I trust you not to use my vulnerability against me and I trust myself to be able to use the space between us to diffuse any attempts... but is that itself empowering negativity?)...

and there is the change... I ponder, as close to troubled as I get (my innate tendency to find humor in everything keeps me from empowering doubts or worries or troubled feelings for more than a few moments... and therein laughs the voice of doubt who wonders if that is where we came in to this entry), if I have changed... that is, the core of the being I know as me, has the fundamental me been changed by the experiences of this lifetime... I know I felt torn (but I never truly believed I was all out of faith), but was I finally broken?... did I finally run out of faith?...

one voice says no, if I did I would not be reaching out (even if it is limited mostly to words on the internet) with the hope and faith in humanity that a few of you, maybe more than a few, will feel the love tonight and believe in the heart that beats within these words... through all my challenges and within the deepest of my doubts I still believe in love (it's all I've got)... in the human heart... and in you, even the most jadded, even those who act to harm and seemed intent on cruelty... I believe that the true intent in your heart is not to be cruel, but to love and be loved... no matter how confused by fears or lies or pain you may have become... even if you have given up, I believe in your heart you dod not want to and somewhere inside, you still could find hope and feel the light of love shine... if you'd only believe as I believe

and those of you who understand... those of you who feel the challenge of continuing to believe and hope and dream and reach out even as you may have been (or are) used or abused... you are my heroes... you are my inspiration...

where the heck was I going with this entry?...

I believe I can identify one fundamental change in me... it is in how I correspond... how I share words... how I trust in words...

can we flashback for a moment?...

there was a time when I believed in words as I believed in love... that time is gone... as much as I may have told myself it is not, as much as I might want to believe I can get the magic I knew in literary sharing back, I may never see in words what I once saw... and now I wonder as the instinct wavers... or so I might want to believe...

there was a time when I read words at so much more than face value... I am not sure just how I did it, but I read between lines, I felt the emotions that were not articulated by the writer, I transcended the space and time to come as close to reading the heart and mind within, I could see and know the not just what the writer said and did not say, but what the writer meant to say... it was like magic... it used to blow us away...

and now I wonder if that magic is gone or if I just don't want to tap into the source anymore... maybe it was not the good thing I thought it was... maybe it was disguised and maybe tapping into whatever it was that gave me such a power is why I am alone now... I always believed it was honest love, it was my unconditional trust in my unconditional love, but maybe the power came from the devil in disguise... some dark force fooling me... and maybe I am reading too much Stephen King...

oh stop laughing (who me?)... I was serious, until the last couple of thoughts... of course I am not reading too much Stephen King (or forgotten his face), now that would be ridiculous (erp)...

and then it happens, I feel... I tell myself I am detached... and the words cut through me... I tell myself I am numb... and the words burn... I tell myself I don't feel anything anymore... and the words are the most painful feeling I have ever known...

I tell myself I am not making any sense...

but I don't believe it...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)