you may not have read the previous entry (and you may not want to, as long as it is, but then, it's probably more interesting than this one, so I think you should... that's why I'm mentioning it before starting this entry... clever, huh?) because DLand was down for a while and I rambled on and on (and got a little whiney, but the rest is informative and hopefully worth reading)... anyway, I don't want to feel like I wasted all that time writing it because nobody will read it because it was not uploaded on time because...

ok, I'll stop and go on to this entry wherein I probably whine even more because I took the night off last night and had no DLand to wander around in and inspire me (strange how lonely I got with DLand down all night)...

I hope you read about hope (which would be the previous entry, by the way)...

so with DLand down and me feeling lonely, I wandered over to LJ and checked on my friends journals there... and since distraction is the easiest way to dealwith loneliness, I was happy to find gumphood had taken this age quiz thing... so I took it... and this is what happened...

I took it three times because I had a couple of answers to some questions, depending on mood and mostly because the choices were not precise enough... for instance, the first question gives the choice between crime drama (CSI), cartoon (Sponge Bob), the O.C., Degrassi, and The West Wing... now if Animaniacs was listed, it would win... or Futurama, even... but Sponge Bob is one I have to be in the mood for and not an automatic choice... and then on question six, I was flipping betweem FAO Schwarz (isn't it Schwartz?) and being a video game tester and my current career with a lot more pay and working for Google (cuz I've heard fantastic things about that company)... and then I'm not sure about the greatest band of all time (number nine), but I chose the Rolling Stones for longevity... but it's not the best age-determining question for someone who really loves all kinds of music... and then number ten, well, pretending it isn't there because it's too pathetic to waste any time or energy on was not a choice...

so anyway, I ended up 17 the first time, 16 the second time, and 13 the third time (my mind believes it is four years old, my heart feels forever seventeen... remember?)... no wonder why I don't have many friends and the older I get, the fewer friends I seem to find... cuz if it is accurate (and it probably is), then I act less than one third of my chrono age... add all three up and we're a few years short... the status quo might consider that sad or pathetic or just plain wrong, but heck it's my life and I'll enjoy the heck out of it if I want to...

even during these mostly dead irreverent sleepwriting (or sleeping) behind the candoor years...

maybe I need to grow up a little more to find what I'm looking for, I mean, to fall in love again... but I still think the human cultures I've known put way too much effort into defining and dividing themselves and each other based on chronological age... I have rambled on this before, if you recall, and have had relationships (from parental to romance) that were more than a decade apart in chrono-age... from my first thoughts (still in nursery school) on the subject have not changes over the years... I think agism is one of the most deeply rooted prejudices among many that people use to hide their fears of honesty and intimacy and physical touches... I don't think the root of all problems is sex the way Freud did, but I do think that the fear of sensuality and sexuality is one of the deepest roots of just about everything that is not right with humanity... some people never figure themselves or anything much out... and perhaps the prevailing philosophies consider those who reach some strong sense of self and awareness at a young age are blessed, but as one who has been sure and comfortable of his perspective and beliefs since day one in this life, it's not all it's cracked up to be... it's very isolating... and seems to intimidate others... and ultimately, it's a life of swimming against the current...

rather tiring alone...

I wonder how many of you really experience that, no less understand what I mean... and how well, or deeply, or personally, or generally, or specifically, or universally, or from what perspectives, how many and why... too complex?... too simple for words for me...

so what happens... after Harry Potter, which is one of my favorite escapes currently because I dream of having the friendships and potentials, I click around and there's You've Got Mail on one station and When A Man Loves A Woman on another and Animaniacs on in a little while... the serious drama is too many tears for the current mood, so I listen to Meg Ryan's soothing voice as she reads her emails to Tom Hanks until the toons come on... but the toons only last 30 minutes and then it's back to Meg, wishing I could bump into someone with the composite personalities she's portrayed (and the adorableness and casual fitness would be nice too) in her films... there was Harry again, and a few other nibbles, but it was back to Meg and Mail for me... dreams die hard (to quote Gary Morris)...

and so I thought I'd be moping and mounring the anguish of loneliness over at mostly dead, but I found myself dreaming of loving somebody instead... closure?... resolution?...

who knows J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
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