I suppose I should have mentioned this more often (and this mention would not be late if this entry was uploaded on time, but hey, it's late and oh well, thanks much for those of you who answered)... the Oscars Poll linked on the left, I mean... it's it would have been your chance to voice your opinion on the best picture and all the other bests (or a select few that interest you)... it's it was anonymous... it's it was pointless fun... you could have stood up and been counted, sort of... yeah, so anyway, posterity will see the date at the top and laugh cuz I didn't have to admit my lateness here... we are amused, hope you are too...

do you wish your life was a non-stop movie show?...

and there's also the fantasy baseball league you know you want to join if you are into numbers and stats (and even baseball, but you don't have to be into sports to play the numbers and stats game that is fantasy sports)... or if you just want to hang with some really cool diarylanders (well, there's two of us from here so far)... it's much number crunching, statistic studying, game playing fun... and there's even time left before that cuz I think the draft is around the 24th or so...

batter up...

as much as I would like to write more (yes, I've not been writing much lately {relatively speaking... most would probably say I am still writing more than the average Stephen King, not that I'd compare myself to him in anything except output, but my words have slowed of late and uploading has definitely slacked off}... if that sounds strange based on what you see here behind the candoor, well, I am strange, no doubt, but it's true)... life just gets in the way more and more and it's not as if I don't know that I let it pull me away from writing and the net, but sometimes I think maybe I'm letting life and my roommates and others distract me because I don't want to deal with whatever I might find digging into myself or whatever else with words as I used to do...

everybody needs so much...

and sometimes I just like doing other stuff... though lately I'm not so much doing other stuff by choice, I'm doing other stuff for others and while that is one of my favorite things to do, I like to balance me-time in with that and lately there's been an imbalance... a rather major imbalance in every way (not just time - like I just gave away a full month's salary to my family and that's gonna mean cutting back on everything for a while)...

and sure I'm lonely and if I let myself feel it, being me, I'd just hear the sound of whipporwills (I'd be deafened by then) and seriously could die of loneliness, so I don't let it come to the surface much, which is probably what is wrong with my liver, which is just one of choices making me as passively self-destructive, on and off, as I've ever been (vegging a lot, indulging taste buds more than eating balanced and healthy, not exercising, not sleeping consistently, and generally ignoring the physical malaise of recent times in my world...

I've even noticed my posture is slipping...

I wonder if anybody else does (rarely do I see someone not slouched over, or at least hunched to some degree, at least from my perspective)... it doesn't help that even at my personally depressed energy levels, I am still bouncing around more than anybody around and have no one in daily life (not even the teenagers) who keep up with my energy (and nobody exercises, runs, or does anything physical in my offline world today)...

excuse me, but I think I'm gonna whine a bit (that is part of what this literary dumping ground is for, after all, cuz I sure don't want to carry it around with me)...

it's always been this way, even when I had more active friends... I'd always be the last one up singing "will no one stay awake with me" and wondering why I am still ready for more when everybody else is ready to quit or retire or sleep... I am just interested in sharing much more than everybody else, it seems... so I am not sure if anybody notices the downbeats because even my downbeats are more upbeat than a lot of upbeats others seem to have in this world...

but my abs, Maria, but my abs...

geee, I'm so special (queue the church lady)... I could drown in sarcasm and laughter and sitting so quietly, nobody would notice... but back to confronting my abs, my abs have never seen the likes of weakness that they are currently experiencing... I do believe that my abs are clinically depressed... that is not supposed to be amusing (even though it sounds funny and I am amused at the phrasing, so if you are laughing then you laughed second)... comparing this body I live in to others just doesn't work, ultimately, because I am still in better shape than most people (based on physical observation, interaction, and if the norms charts are to be believed) and my whining about being out of shape seems ridiculous to people I talk to about it...

even when I stick out my belly...

there was a skinny Buddha, right?...

I think it's got to be because the people I see in this life on a regular basis are letting themselves get old and flabby (even the teens) and we see and feel life from very different physical perspectives... so I just wander off on my own a lot to experience my own energy level... and since I've been following others who need me lately, I've not had my own time at my energy level... of course bouncing around like a cartoon character is only amusing for a few hours before I want someone else with whom to bounce...

hear those whipporwills?...

meanwhile, the past few days have been full of distractions (and this was last week and as of the date I upload this, which is next week compared to the date at the top of this entry, me-time has gone down even more, in fact, this writing of this parentheses is the first me-time in at least five days and it's only quasi-me-time {or mtime, for future reference} since I am at work... alas, it's not easy when one is the only one focused on self in one's life... yeah, one is the loneliest number too)...

as I was saying, other stuff filled time... as of the date above it was more fun stuff like fantasy baseball (wanna join a league?) and movies (just Munich - wanna see another?) and a whole lot of listening to Precious who is one frustrated kitten because she is sick... her cold became strep throat (and next week it becomes mononucleosis, fun times ahead) and she's a bundle of ouchy cranky grumpy poor me hate everything nothing works why me why now why why why type sick (I still say losing the music (the iPod) has much to do with her depressed mood)... since she's been home and needy and craving nurturing and attention, she's been in my face just about every waking moment...

precious time with Precious...

not that I'm complaining (much), cuz unfortunately, I can understand too well wanting to be nurtured and far be it for me to deny her just cuz nobody gives it to me... if you know my history you already know I've never known it and by now am probably too independent to be a good nurturee (but I can still dream someone could)... my profession and personal life has always been about taking care of others, a series of scenes and living situations filling my time, keeping my heart alive while it awaits the one by moving from one adopted family to the next helping out as much as I can and wondering if my next leap will be the leap home...

ummmm, ok...

well anyway, if you noticed my absence (thanks) from the web in recent days, now you have some idea about where I've been as of last week... it wasn't all a giant qvechfest (like this entry?)... we (ok, I) spent some time searching the web for educational information cuz she (Precious) is researching colleges and starting to take schoolwork a bit more seriously cuz the colleges she's interested in most have pretty high standards and she's catching up on schoolwork at home and sometimes asks for help, especially when she's feeling down and troubled (and sick) and needs some love and care like James Taylor and Carole King once sang...

and (there was some mtime last week, come to think of it, just not online), I watched most of the first season of The Dead Zone cuz I impulsively ordered the whole series from the library last month and they're finally getting around to sending them all to me... it's one of those fantasy shows I can relate to because it relfect my experience in this life... though I don't have superpowers of any sort (other than my ability to love, which is the best power of all for me), so seeing supernatural twists added to people who live lives of helping others amuses me...

what they often do not deal with in those shows is how the person actually survives without being independently wealthy... I mean, where do they get money for food, clothes, travel, and so on... I'd be wandering the world helping people wherever I went while in search of my soulmate if I could afford it... and yes, I did it for a while (and was too stupid to protect myself so got taken for all I had a few times), but it's not so simple a thing to do (and down near impossible) when poor... at least in this show they start out with him being wealthy...

so have I become a happy idiot struggling for the legal tender?...

I suppose, though it's not actually a struggle and I'm not all idiot... though since I do tell tales signifying nothing, I suppose I might be mistaken for an idiot at times, but that's ok, cuz some of my best friends are idiots... I can try to be more of an an idiot if it would make you happy, but don't count on it for your only amusement cuz I'm libel to wander off on to some other path at any moment... in any case, I would be a lot happier with a partner sharing everything, but that's cuz I'm happy to begin with... no one can make you happy (or happier) unless you are happy to begin with, after all...

doesn't anybody wanna go mad with me tonight?...

how about tomorrow night?...

I'm feeling very Private Benjamin at the moment... except without the cute... I suppose I could be cute now and then, but cute is not a simple thing to assess within one's self... unless you're a cutething and then, well, being cute comes naturally... I suppose I have some things that come naturally, but not so much cute... Jes and Hiss are cute in different ways and I understand Smash can be cute just doing what a Smash does...

and I am sure very that Dandy has much cute in her and in her household, adorable, even... and it goes to say (or does it go without saying?) that Vicki is cute... in fact, all the people involved in Rockin! are quite cute in their various ways and sundries... what exactly is a sundry?... anyway, there are probably lots of cute folk out here in our midst, like her, but I'm not one of them...

at least not usually...

I can live with that... happily, even... though I'd be happier with a partner sharing everything... I might not be so redundant then... and yeah, maybe you saw this next thought coming and don't believe that I didn't plan it, but I didn't and still I would be even happier with a cute partner... cuz I like cute... or in the modern internet vernacular, I likes me some cute... lurvs me some, even... yup, I do...

I should say I like healthy cute the most, since we're being so introspectively me-oriented (hey, it's been a while since I had mtime, remember)... high energy is much cuter to me than lazy lethargic... but then, that's just my bias, especially when I am lonely and wanting to cuddle...

if you were not included in the cute paragraph above, don't be offended, you're probably as cute as you want to be and just didn't slide into that particular line of thought about Dlanders that got somehow strung together in my brain (there was a thread of resoning, even if it was subconscious), I mean, besides having cute right there in a name...

if you really feel slighted, well, send me some cuteness and I'll share it with everyone... it doesn't have to be naked baby picture cute, naked current pictures will be accepted too... I am joking when I suggest you send naked pictures (or even porn, though i do enjoy pron... scroill down on the left for more), but don't let that stop you... I mean, it doesn't have to be photo cute, cuz word cute is really cuter (and less embarrasing)...

I suppose I should remember to single out Smed a lot for lots of good reasons, since I'm on his list this year and I want to make sure I'm still on it when he checks it twice...

Smed is cute too...

see, just cuz an entry starts out scattered and lonely and maybe even a little sad-like, that doesn't mean there isn't some goodness before it ends... gump and mcearstix and smoog also come to mind (no wonder why I get so few comments when they get mentions like this one here, huh?)... and I'll stop listing now...

you're all my imaginary family, after all, and no matter how hyper or unhyper I might be as an entry begins or flows, I'm usually ready to curl up all comfy in your laps, or maybe down a bit on the couch, by the time the entry is ready to come to some sort of conclusion (or pause, cuz I pause a lot and conclude only sometimes... does that mean I don't give good closure?... well, it depends on who's asking and what one means by closure, I suppose... anyway, I think I'm about ready to upload this)...

just another entry in a multitude of entries that pour out on to your internet between blinks... I think I have four, maybe five or six entries awaiting some sort of look-over and uploading, which means they'll pop up suddenly and you'll either click back to read tham or they'll slide into oblivion without notice (that's unfortunately the usual case for multiple uploads all at once, but some weeks are like that (in fact, you'll find, if you check back, that the record is something like 22 entries in one uploading... of course there was something like 50 entries in one day on Blogathon day here (and in another diary I used to keep) linked on the left, but that sort of insanity is not my usual madness...

did writing 50 entries in one 24 hour period dilute the content?... someday when you have time to read all the Blogathon entries and care to answer that question, I'd appreciate it... maybe you're just curious about what happens when I set my mind and have the time to write for 24 hours...

in any case, just in case you stopped back to find this entry, I love you for doing that... as seriously as I can convey this to you, thank you... and I wish you extra special happiness and joy and pleasure and cuteness (if you likes the cute too) and truly meaningful smiles on your face and in your life today...

cuz you are sensitive and observant and caring and beautiful...

ok, so maybe it's no so cool to gush for you as I do, but hey, I've gotta be me and at least you'll decide what you like or don't like based on the real, not based on window dressing or some posing I might do... one of these days I'll get back to the rainbows I used to live, but for now it's life in black and white and for being here with me I say thank you...

and I give you a big hug and an even bigger YAY! J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)