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2004-01-16 - 8:06 p.m. leave me my delusions of grandeur... in all my browsing (why am I rambling on here instead of there?... I should probably overlap some of these entries or at least some parts of these entries, but then, I'm not trying to set any sort of record for the most entries in a day {and have no interest in approaching the five dozen or so I did the day of the blogathon anyway}, so why?... who knows, why ask, whatever... we can discuss it later if you like... you'll call if you like enough) I find many public diaries and have grand fantasies about being popular at these collective points of literary conversion... ego has delusions of grandeur far beyond those of mortal man... wait, that's not superego, that's just ego... we won't get into superego at the moment for there are even grander delusions there, but for now I ponder why I have not introduced myself and fawned over these public sites more often... also cliques, rings, and so on... I am not sure I like my answer... first of all, I do not visit any of the collectives daily or even often and there are so many that I have not found... but whenever I do visit any of them, I rarely find enough snips or drips or quotes to hold my attention and I often find words that lead me to ask why am I here? and can we go somewhere else now?... now I mean no offense to the very popular and probably very good sites that are are part of web communities and collective web pages... the sense of community is something I desire intensely, so alienating anyone is the antithesis of what I am out here for... the sense of belonging, respect, being wanted is vital to my prime directive, my primary reason for continuing this existence called life... sharing... yet I have not found a way to want to be fawned over for sophmoric cliches or typical human tricks... it is a dichotomy or something... take the two doctors on Star Trek: Next Generation as an example... Crusher is clever, coy, and can be strong with a balance of ego and compassion and honest doubt... this is attractive to me... but whatshername, that other one, appears full of herself... her words are that of an egocentric ice cube... she (Polaski, I just heard her name) grandstands and makes herself the most important character in any scene... perhaps that is her security, perhaps a lack of character, but it repulses me... it is an arrogance without humor, a concern without compassion, an attempt to be important without caring about the views or feelings or values of others... I reach for my favorite online bitch for another example... she is caustic, self-important, opinionated and definitely can be offensive... and yet I respect her... I see more compassion than ego in her words... I think what I am saying is that I see more selfish ego in most of the collective sites than caring and does not give me much desire to believe that any worthwhile reading might be found if I continue or follow the links to full entries and sites... though the beer site might be an exception, though I was never a fan of beer (in spite of being Norm from Cheers for a few years once upon a time), it does present some diaries that I have enjoyed reading as individual diaries... maybe it's just the editors of the collective sites and their choices of what they put up as representative of the individual diaries... clever quotes to one mind may be superficial pandering to another and I see more superficial pandering for attention than anything worth reading more often than not on those collective sites... I do not wish to offend and sometimes I wish I was the most popular writer (and as much as a writer can be on the internet, person) on the net... but I cringe at any though of actually trying to write words that are geared strictly to any attempt to be popular and I instinctively make a mockery of any such ego thoughts, usually before they have the chance to come to literary fruition... unless, of course, I am deliberately writing a parody (which I have done but can not find a link to at the moment)... so now, of course, my delusions of grandeur hope that some absolutely amazing people who are part of fantastically telented communities will pull amazingly profound hooks from my writings and put my words into their communities so many many people come rushing to my sites to see how unbelievably creative I am because I am indescribably irresistable and worth every spare moment everyone has to give to fawn and worship and revere and celebrate my existence on and off the net... so much fun can be had if you worship at the alter of my words, by me at least... passionate about this, huh?... well, you are welcome to think or feel any way you like, but just in case you want to send oodles of praise and love my way, it will be appreciated and treasured... laughter is also welcome...
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