LIFE

IN
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last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

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ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


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ONE. . . WHY
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MEANING OF LIFE
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FAT MAN WALKING
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last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
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itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2003-12-13 - 1:06 a.m.

depression, delusion, deliverance, duh


I just got home from a two mile run which was inspired by attending the more depressing than anything else work Christmas party... freaking lost some words and I wanted to explain, so I use some email words inspired by a sweet surprise in my mailbox... the multi-chotomy was never so obviously ignored, though it has been much clearer...

ultimately, I don't fit in, I am not drawn in, and easily overlooked mostly because I have more experience most people at the place I work and sadly have little interest in (and not much respect for) anyone at work... add to that the fact that I left most of my obligatory social skills behind long ago... and I easily become a wallflower without any help... tonight, however, I had a lot of help... more help than I even expected since I was asked repeatedly to show up as if they wanted me to be there...

I wasn't too surprised when I showed up to find there was no effort to save a chair for me at any table, not where my direct co-workers were sitting (the ones who asked repeatedly), not where others I've worked with and known for three years were sitting... in fact, after finding a place to sit at the table with my direct co-workers, the chair I was sitting in was given to someone else while I was getting food... it's very much the story of my "no room at the Inn" life... I do not like to do fake and the world is so fake... no wonder it is so easy to find depression for me in this life... sometimes I forget to avoid it... sometimes I forget it's my choice... duh...

I wanted to leave, as shmoozing turns my stomach, but I would not mind a change of jobs so I hung out a while and wandered around talking to others instead of my direct coworkers, ultimately sitting with the facility director for a while... there are few people at the place who have as much experience as I do and he is one of them (which is the main reason for the distance between me and most of the people who work there... a look at my resume and it can be said that professionally, I am slumming)... talking with him helped me remember the professional person I was before I turned starving artist and after leaving I realized just how depressed I've acted much of the time, overall, lately... and that lead to the run (which is, in case you aren't following, a conscious decision (choice?... there's that word again, huh?) and action to pull out of depression)...

this next bit may be ego or above your head or something else, you'll decide as you choose...

the irony of being a person aware of choices most people relegate to subconsciousness (what the world calls a disease or a disorder, I call a choice) leaves me in a very isolated place in this world... who really gets that?... I mean not just intellectually or philosophically or hypothetically, but actually physically experiencially...

I can drawn people toward me, I can influence and by human standards control most people, I can take initiative and make people my friends... this is not the way I want it most of the time... especially not alone with no one in on my perspective... I do not want to always be the most aware, the one in control, but the nature of human interactions is that the person with the most awareness is the dominant person even if they do not want to be... awareness is not easy to hide...

so I tired of unequal interactions... I isolated myself... I learned to hide well... maybe too well... definitely too well... lonely at the top?... heck, it's lonely anywhere... in my ramblings (and finally in my actions and physical presentation) I've learned to appear confused, flakey, helpless, and needy... or perhaps it is the opposite, perhaps I am difficult to approach because I am not fooling anyone and actually appear as though I need nothing and am too aware... or lately, too aloof or depressed?... I know, but I don't know exactly what those around me see...

in any case, it is very rare that someone reaches out to me now unless I initiate the contact... it has not happened in years in the physical world... if ever... and it is very rare online (but then, babbling bores or scares lots of people... I don't babble offline... too often... what's this?... last gasp attempt at humor?... never trust a parentheses... or is that always trust a parentheses... it depends on perspective), so when it does happen, I am not sure just how to respond... rejection is so unpleasant, it hurts so much.... and rejection happens so often, deliberate and unintentional... perhaps you understand what I am trying to put into words...

perhaps I just don't want to explain anymore...

now that's depressing...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




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the moment

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