LIFE

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last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


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MEANING OF LIFE
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last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-06-09 - 11:53 a.m.

conversations lala9


I am sometimes amazed at how much passion still lives inside of me... most has been channeled into my mind and is released in words and emotional moments... mostly fantasy these days as the people in my physical life are not very passionate about anything (except Precious)...

so I express passions in words, for what they are worth... there are heart passions currently: http://candora.diaryland.com and previously: http://candoor.net/kit/heartbeats and on a deeper broader somewhat biographical life-time scale: http://candoor.net/bios/heart and on older sites the heart dreams:http://home.att.net/~candor/love/lovetoc.htmland in fantasies:http://home.att.net/~candor/pf/pftoc.htmland probably more stashed here or there or somewhere online (and online is perhaps 1% of my overall writings, perhaps even a tenth of that, at that)...

and then there are passions of the mind: http://candoor.net/bios/mindas I
create myself: http://home.att.net/~anonanonanon/me/metoc.htmland explore all sorts of imaginary worlds http://candoor.net/smap.html

there are passions of memories of people I've known in my gardens of ones: http://home.att.net/~anonanonanon/goo.html and there are passions of sorrow and struggles with life (and people) and somewhere deep down the hope that shines through it (and consumes the darkness if one is patient enough): http://mostlydead.diaryland.comand the original more babbly http://www.livejournal.com/users/mostlydead

and most recently passions of all sorts for public display in diaries, journals, blogs, and whatnot: http://candoor.net/kit/journal

and even the darker more perverse passions (angst, anger, and the lusts I explore in words alone for various reasons that might be self-explanatory), I have felt and witnessed in my personal and professional life have a place in my written gardens from here http://home.att.net/~candor/gr to there http://perversions.diaryland.comand always more...

so much more...

and I dream a bass will join me, and fill the bottom in (that's a line from a Harry Chapin song... http://harrychapin.com/music is where to explore his words... so many works of genius among them, but sometimes I think reading them cheats the song out of it's full impact as he wrote music that truly complimented all of the emotions in his stories and so many of his stories were emotional roller coasters... I love to sing Harry as entertainment and even more, as catharsis...

there, you have some of my passions expressed in words, or at least you have links to tables of contents... as for physical passions in the flesh, I love body movement... the body running is a powerful turn on for me (one of my favorite fantasies of "the one" has always been to watch her running and the chase her at full speed until we both collapse on each other, though, alas, I've yet to meet someone in that sort of shape who was interested in being chased by me)... I have a profound weakness (love it so calling it a weakness is laughable) for petite bodies... I know myself to be a very visual sensual being... muscles, not overdone, but firm, flexing muscles inspire me to wake up and feel more... I most enjoy someone who has the strength, energy, stamina, and flexibility to push me to my physical limits (her taking the lead pleases me)... without fail, youthful energy and young athletic bodies stimulate and invigorate me (one day I suppose I will have to face the fact that I am no longer in one, but I still have a few dozen marathons in me and dang if I'm going to waste them)....


sexuality can be quite superficial and temporary, but passion is permanent for me which is why I still fantasize (though not nearly as viscerally as I used to) about the peak passionate moments I've known (and yes, for better or worse, those were with Amy in high school)...

passion, for me, is so much more than my penis... so much more than this body... the passions I've known in this body were always connected to emotional catharsis, a spiritual release, and intellectual stimulation that laid (pun not intended) the foundation for sensory stimulation...

probably because my first complete passion that incorporated all of this (as opposed to my first passionate relationship, which was at four years old, but the library corner is another story for another time), all of me, was imprinted on my brain, especially my visual cortex, my dream girls have almost always looked a lot like Amy (I would love to know her today)... I have many pictures in storage of those years... and after those years my hunger to photograph everything diminished, my eyes grew dim and my exhuberance for life dwindled... the irony is that even at a fraction of the true energy level and passion that I know as me, I am still usually the last one to fall asleep, the most bubbling bouncing foolishly happy and alive person wherever I go unless I consciously put on a restraining cap, like a professional demeanor or some such work or social poise or pose...

I still want to believe in fairies (and Peter Pan) and magic (I can be swallowed by the Harry Potter stories and not just cuz my child inside has a crush on Hermione) and wonders beyond human imagination and comprehension and what dreams may come so in spite of all the evidence to the contrary, I do...

>But, I am not in any way trying to say I am
> expecting a fantastic blow your socks off passionate
> whatever next Friday night. I don't know you well
> enough to trust you either, physically. I think
> emotionally I feel I can trust you.

I like that you feel this... I look at the world and people and tears comes to my eyes at the lack of trust and faith in themselves and in each other... and I know who I am, that I will endure unbelievable torture before I will violate my first basic ideal, honesty without harm... being as harmless as possible is an essential key to my peace and happiness... being as honest as possible is an essential key to my security...

>I don't know you
> completely and I don't think I have bared all of my
> soul, but I don't feel like you have bad intentions.

there are no perfect people, only perfect intentions... and I strive to have perfect intentions (and innocently, I believe I do)...

> But back to the passion thing. If we really are as
> compatible as we seem, and we can talk about things
> and understand each other without a lot of explaining
> and blank stares, and we really are soul mates (I
> really thought that was a myth, I thought there
> weren't any people out there like me),

I know soulmates are not a myth because I've met a few, at least... unfortunately, the closest to perfect soulmates were met when we were "too young" to control our lives enough to stay together... after independence, I've met partial soulmates, but not complete soulmates, and the idealistic hopelessly hopeful romantic in me refused to compromise enough to be satisfied... maybe I'm a fool, or maybe I am the only human remaining true to true love... or maybe it's just a cop-out...

>and we really
> learn to love each other, don't you feel that some
> degree of passion will follow? I love sex. I can "do
> it" with someone I barely know (not that I have done
> that a lot, but I have been to parties before, and got
> a little wasted, and ...)

once, in the Army when macho madness was the way to be accepted and drugs made anything ok, we were discussing charisma and how it (and anyone) can be controlled by the energy of awareness - and how the most aware person with the highest energy level basically could control those around him or her, I took a dare... the dare was that I could not walk into the hospital cafeteria and walk over to someone my 'buddies' pointed out and be in bed with her by that evening... it was one of my few night stands (as much because she was gone within a week as anything)...

by the time I was in my mid-twenties I learned that when ego is given the wheel, it usually ends up in mometary thrills and ultimate disaster (or at least disappointment in myself)... I much prefer my heart to drive me, but try to keep my conscious mind at the wheel as much as possible...

>But that is not the my sone as
> love and passion. That is not the my sone as a daily
> commitment to someone you feel dearly about and you
> want to be so close to you can crawl inside of and do
> every little thing that makes them crazy and make them
> feel so much ectasy that they'll faint (or at least be
> unable to breath for awhile). THAT is what I am
> talking about. I'm sure that husband 3 never had that
> experience with anyone before me. I "taught" him to
> enjoy sex because he had always been a performance
> freak. His ego couldn't let him relax and enjoy it.

I often prefer to be on my back and let my partner do all the physical work for a while (this relates to watching muscles and a body pushed to it's limits again and also lets me let go all the more)...

> He's also bisexual, that throws in some kinks (ha ha).
> Maybe he is really homosexual and he pretended I was
> a man, there is no telling. Anyway, I am as
> openminded about sex and intimacy as I am about life
> in general. Whatever you think or whatever you want
> is fine as long as no one is hurt and no one is
> forced.

I agree, adding 'whatever is comfortable'... for me, no hurt, no force, no discomfort are prerequisites for pleasure...

>*** So, I don't see how it could not be good
> unless 1) one person isn't really interested or 2) the
> two people can't relax with each other and be real.
> To repeat:
> a daily commitment to someone you feel dearly about
> and you want to be so close to you can crawl inside of
> and do every little thing that makes them crazy and
> make them feel so much ectasy that they'll faint (or
> at least be unable to breath for awhile).
>
> That is what I am looking forward to with you someday,
> if you are interested and if you can relax with me. I
> already know you can be real. (The *** is where
> you called me on Sunday night)...

how interested I am in a physical relationship at this moment of life remains to be seen... how interested in knowing you I am is this much (arms wide open)...

I feel more relaxed with you in my mind with each sharing...

I started responding to one of the other emails at work and shall continue tonight and hopefully send more out tomorrow... it's almost 3pm, past my bedtime and if Harry Potter (who is on TV at the moment) doesn't keep me awake, I'll fall asleep and try to wake with enough time to at least say hello and good night tonight... of course you could always call too...

still smiling more than frowning, I hope...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
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the moment

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