> Reading through your thoughts below the only thing
> that really stands out and brings a tear to my eye is
> your statement that you haven't felt physical passion
> since high school.

Toronto came close, but there was always something not quite letting go in both of us (that would be Gail) and a year or two before Toronto there was Dawn, brief but wild... but the full fledged love at first site completely helpless falling in love feeling, that was once...

>Real passion is something I dream
> about and worry that I'll never find again.

and I am sad to think the my sone, but then, there's always hope...

>I thought
> I had passion with every one of the serious men in my
> life, but now I know that I only really had it with
> husband 3. He was the only man I ever knew who, maybe
> because he had so little self control in all of life,
> could completely let it go. And I could too with him.
> Everyone commented on how much in love we looked and
> acted, and I believe that we were. I was the only
> person he had ever trusted. He was so damned handsome
> and alive and needy and attached to me. He quit taking
> his drugs and I had to move out after a few months
> because he was just too unpredictable and getting
> violent. I was 6 months pregnant. It was
> heartbreaking. The "passion" came to an abrupt halt,
> which is much harder than a slow several year decline
> and death.

yes... I went from lover, soulmate, best friend of five years, househusband, daddy to four beautiful kids, living my dream of family (not perfect, but close enough) to the street, never to speak to them again, in one day...

she as afraid she'd lose the kids if she came to the states, or afraid of marriage because of her first one ending so badly (and not completely legally over due to her dragging her feet and him hanging on... he was hospitalized (psych) and then on meds for the last three years they were together... she had four kids... she was afraid of marriage... yeah)...

similarities can be eerie...

>Because I left HIM, he felt abandoned and
> couldn't trust me anymore, and he immediately got
> himself the below mentioned girlfriend and wallowed in
> alcohol and drugs and money, but told me he wanted to
> use the separation to fix things and everything would
> be OK and he would be true to me and I would be true
> to him,... Life became big deceptions and lies and
> heartaches and worries. I knew in my heart what was
> going on but I waited and let it happen to me and
> hoped he would come to his senses. I know that he
> loved me and I believe that he still does. He says
> that he does but he can't be believed anymore in
> anything that he says. He is too far gone. So, that
> is a long winded explanation of my passionate affair
> with him.

I sense we focus on mostly, if not all physical passion for the moment and I appreciate you sharing some of your experience with husband 3... could be you were blinded by passion and his appearance and powerful personality enough to let him control or manipulate you... I think real passion requires unconditional (or as close to it as possible) trust and that leaves us vulnerable to believe anything, including lies...

suddenly, our eyes open and we wonder how we could have been so blind for so long and wonder if we can trust our own judgment...

I have been there... may even still be on some level...

>The reason for saying all that is: I don't
> want to develop a physical relationship with anyone,
> man or woman, that will be passionless. That is one
> reason I won't go back to (husband 2). He is a
> perfectly nice person and your baby loves him, but he is so
> laid back as to be almost not alive and he is not
> passionate mentally or physically. He is not
> intelligent at all and I have told you how much
> trouble he has understanding emotional gymnastics.
> You have a million dimensions to your mind and he has
> 2.

a million, oh flatterer (ego loves it...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)