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COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-06-14 - 12:04 p.m.

conversations lala14


> Regarding your comments: I am very empathic, too.

I sense this... I wonder a few things... I wonder how much you let yourself consciously know about what you are sensing/feeling/reading... I wonder how many times, if any, you've felt things you felt you could not handle... I wonder how much of your awareness and empathic ability you've let slide away into apathy or wherever it may go (and how much you can gain back when you reach for your optimal empathic awareness)...

my answers to these three particular wonders are... I believe I hide very little from myself, but I sometimes (maybe often) allow silence to hide some sensations and feelings and readings from others... is that a lie of ommission?... maybe, but I think it is only if I do not correct any misunderstandings I become aware of...

I've come close to feeling things I could not handle for brief moments and almost instantly realized I was fooling myself, selling myself short, and could handle much more than the worst I could imagine (or the worst I've experienced, which gets pretty dang bad at it's worst)...

I believe I've let a lot of my energy-empathic-awareness slide away from my consciousness, a whole lot... and I wonder just how much I can return to the me I once knew as me too...

> Most of the time I understand exactly how someone is
> feeling. I had so much problem with husband 3 in that
> regard because he always perceived things wrong. He
> always misunderstood people's intentions and I would
> try to explain things and he wouldn't believe me. He
> was so exhausting. His misperceptions must have come
> from the fact that he became mentally ill at the age
> of 16 (according to his Mom) and never progressed
> emotionally from then on,

sometimes I wonder how much of me stalled at seventeen when I lost the dream Amy came to represent... still pondering the answer to that one because I think the only way to answer it is to go back to that level of emotional intensity and measure from there... from anywhere else, the measurement is an estimate, a guess, a hypothesis...

I think...

>or he was just paranoid most
> of the time,

yeah, well, I do believe that just because one is paranoid does not mean they are not actually out to get me (I am some strange alien creature with powers and abilities far beyond that of normal man, after all...

>or maybe it was that he was a sociopath
> without a conscience and he didn't feel things
> correctly.

sociopath, psychopath, what's the difference once you're head's blown off? (a reference to a sixties joke-T-Shirt phrase comparing long hair to short hair)... if not for my unwavering intention to remain true to my ideal of honesty without harm, I'd probably be quite the psychopath for I firmly believe rules are made to be broken because they (rules) are the escape from responsibility for the lazy masses and the crutch of weak minds, but then, we all might need a crutch or two from time to time...

there is more seriousness in my irreverence than in most people's seriousness and more irreverence in my seriousness than anyone has ever really cared to explore...

I just thought it might be a good time to remind you...

>Whatever, I never met anyone like him
> before. I think (I know) I took it as a challenge to
> fix him. It was the thwarted psychiatrist coming out.

fix me, fix me! (most of me is genuinely joke... maybe all of me... I think...

I have a serious savior thing going on my my psyche... also a rather profound martyr thing at times, but I may have finally gotten some sort of handle on or at least a most acute awareness of that cuz such a combination can be very dangerous to my wittle head (Tweety Bird slang attempts to light an otherwise seriously true point of observation...

I may have chosen a degree in psychology with some far fetched hope of saving the world... then I was inspired, now I'm sad and tired (song reference, Gesthemene from Jesus Rasputint Superstar)...

of course it might have all be some ego power trip too (pardon the giggles...

> Anyway, back to the empathy thing. I think that is
> why I am a good mother. I have always felt a
> symbiotic relationship with my kids and I know when
> they are sick or tired or stressed because I feel it.
> I don't think I have any boundaries at all between me
> and them.

of course you have boundaries, unless of course, incest and pedophelia are not taboos in your house (personally, I try to drawn the line at eighteen, if only because, even at my thinnest, I don't think I look good in thick stripes... you are hopefully laughing cuz I sense my seriousness is fading with fatigue, or at least my subconscious is demanding some lightening up and taking this opportunity to attempt it...

ok, ok, seriously, I do sense a very healthy and happy relationship at the core between you and your kids and especially from your side, a freely swinging door (to use an obvious metaphor)... that is just one more of the things that glow about you and impress me...

>I managed to keep that kind of relationship
> with my son, too, mostly over the phone once a week. I
> had that relationship with the men in my life at one
> time, too. As I said, I have always been with
> dependent men. I'm sure that they felt abandoned by
> me to a certain extent because when they hurt me or
> neglected me or stone-faced me, I put up a wall
> between us to protect myself, and the necessary
> nourishing vibes quit flowing out.

suddenly the plant in Little Show of Horrors comes to mind... you know the one who loved to say "feed me!" all the time (I know, my mind is skewed toward Hollywood... I've often wished my mind was a non-stop celluloid movie show {Kinks reference}... yeah, music too...

I can be a dependant man, but only by choice and with a whole lot of focus and effort... I am rather fiercely independent in most every way... the love of nurturing others, especially children, lead me to accept dependancy once and it completely blew up in my face (and I may never recover financially or some parts of my psyche, but I am resillient and still believe I can survive anything and might actually be good as new someday, so there's always hope, or so I keep hoping...

>But none of them
> were able to realize or admit that they had started,
> or at least contributed to, the problem.

selfish children seldom do... especially when they are grown men...

my acerbic wit (and poor spelling) is most biting when turned on myself or somebody like me... being male, I have little respect for the male norm... we grow up convinced that we own the world and everyone is our servant or at least our subordinate, or at least should be... and we shall not be questioned or doubted, for our decisions are final and wisdom is infinite... we're made in go'd image, after all, the original clay model... everything else is just a lesser species, or at most, a rib... nothing like a good ribbing to bring the male ego back down to Earth... though some are beyond reach of anything, unfortunately, and they are usually the ones who take control of things and blow them up... hopefully there is still hope for the male to learn and grow, for it would be nice if the planet could survive his supposed domination (stewardship?) without many years of recovery...

unless I decide to take the material world, specifically the financial planning part of it, and win at that game again, you will have a distinct power advantage over me in terms of stuff and things we can do and gifts we can give to others... wampum is heap big power in this world, ug...

that's also an easily measurable comparison of power and the independence-dependency scale... it takes some deep breaths at times and a few rather fixed mental adjustments, but as powerful a measure of worth as it is, money is still even more superficial than my libido (just had to slip a jab at myself in there, didn't I?...

>I really
> don't think the failures were my fault. Of course,
> that is hard to say for sure when I failed 3 times. I
> could be terrible at love and not be able to
> realize/admit it. But I don't think so.

and I don't want to think I was primarily responsible for my relationships ending (I'm still not ready to call them failures, maybe because they were not marriages, though at least two were close to the my sone commitment in my head... but anyway), but I was the one more aware and more in control in every relationship except the last and even there and then, even as I blocked out my own consciousness to accept a dangerously vulnerable compromise and actualize unconditional trust, blind faith, and what I hoped beyond hope was true love, I was still the one more aware...

I am not sure if that means I could have made it any of them work, but I could have accepted more compromise and tried to learn to be happy with it... or I could have been more decisive in the beginning and not fall in love with a dream when reality would compromise it too much... I could have been stronger... less selfish... more patient and mature...

but from another very valid perspective I gave all I could without losing myself completely and dying inside (and the last time, outside too)... so it did not work and maybe who's fault it is really doesn't matter... what matters is do I have the strength to try again how much compromise and loss of dreams can I withstand now... and only time and testing myself in the cold hard reality of relationships will tell...






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