LIFE

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last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


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ONE. . . WHY
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CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
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last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-06-13 - 12:01 p.m.

conversations lala13


> Today I am still tired but my brain is working at 95%,

wow... I don't think my brain has worked at much more than 10% in years (I wish I was joking, but I'm not, though I am smiling because I think I can rev it up again one of these days...

> whereas yesterday it was at 50% or less. I am
> expecting to be normal tomorrow.

I know what you mean, but resistance is futile (my tongue must proceed firmly into my cheek now)... I've given up all hope of ever being normal, though in a moment of desperate loneliness I once tried to be...

>I just can't call in
> sick because there are only 3 (of 5) of us this week
> and it is extremely uncomfortable to work with only 2.
> Besides, if I am busy I don't notice that I feel
> sick.

I used to be like that... and sometimes still am... but working for an organization that treats staff like desert sand worms (or some such horrible metaphor) and creates most of their own problems, I've justified placing myself above the work more often in recent years...

> We have to get over that physical
> uncomfortableness. (Is that a word?) I felt very
> comfortable being affectionate with you. I am not a
> very modest person but even I can't wander around
> naked in front of you for awhile.

there's a libido in my mind/psyche that lusts for very specific, very narrow spectrum of physical forms and that may be shallow or it may be a whole lot deeper than one might think at first glance (I sincerely sit on the fence on that because I see validity for both perspectives)... and there's a less than fully mature part of me who dreams of that uninhibited libido instant lust (and does not want to settle for anything less, but then, I believe that is part of the perfectionist in my who's consistently shot me in the foot when it comes to relationships... so I realize that an infantile id/libido voice should not be the dominant voice guiding my decisions in this life and just because I've hidden behind that voice successfully for most of this life does not make it ok or right for me or anyone else...

so I am struggling with that baby-self in me who wants the top ten visual aduio sensual people on the libido list combined into one ultra perfect specimen of human being that is perfectly exactly precisely everything I want to see and hear and feel when I share this body...

does that make any sense?...

ok, let me rephrase the question...

can you understand what I mean even if it makes little or no sense?...

I want to be completely honest, but I must figure out how to be even more honest with myself first because I am not sure I have ever been completely honest with myself on this particular issue... the subconscious has a mind of it's own, after all, and mine has been nurtured and supported a lot because I trust myself (and therein my subsconscious) as unconditionally as I trust anything (even with the crushing blows my psyche and self-esteem have taken along the way)...

I think I hope you will help me figure out precisely what I mean to say when I am truly ready to express it and we have time to...

>As for sex, it will
> (hopefully) come along naturally some day. You will
> be overcome with desire eventually (he he).

I appreciate your tease...

I appreciate it enough to give you a serious response (hope you understand the respect in this...

this has never happened in this lifetime and I've all but accepted that there is high probability that it may never... so much of my sensual life has been in my head, even when I've been in long term relationships... I've never been with someone who's body alone turned me on (and yet I have visuals of bodies that might, though the test would be bringing such a body into my presence with the opportunity to see if the reality lives up to the fantasy)... it was that high school romance that came closest to being completely overcome and I was definitely overcome enough to abandon all responsible, ethical, and core ideal considerations at the time...

it is more than appearance, it is movement, a certain walk... the way every body part fits together and the physical presence uniquely individual to the person is much more than just a look... every action is an imprint on my subconscious and from there comes a degree of lust and it is rare that anyone really turns me on... I don't just see healthy fitness and muscle tone and high stamina (that's just the superficial aspect of attraction), I feel it's presence deeply, intimately, and I am attracted to the self-discipline, the motivation, the perserverence, the self-love, and the long hard work that someone put in to get and maintain being there... above all else it is an instinctive sense of energy level that turns me on most... energy level is such a challenge to explain in words... The Celestine Prophesy made a decent stab at it... Richard Bach is on that road (of exploring/expressing it)... it is something that must be experienced to be truly a shared understanding... this is why, I think, I am most physically attracted to long distance runners (also having been one, I relate to the sensuality of the activity with much lust) and serious athletes and people intimately and intensely in touch with their bodies... once I was and I remember...

>Please
> don't worry so much about appearances. As I said,
> husband 3 was to me almost perfect physically but he was
> rotten at the core. I am fairly confident that my
> core is pretty,

your core is beautiful, my subconscious tells me that (and as I said, I trust my subconscious as unconditionally as I trust anything)... you have a light wonder glowing in you (that we humans so often identify as youth, but it is much deeper than that and I've yet to find words to express it... it's like an energy field (aura by Lora?) that radiates from your mind...

and in my mind, your body presents an incongruity... I look at myself and ask myself how did such a beautiful high-energy core allow it's body to lose so much potential physically actualized energy (is that making any sense to you?)... I believe depression and blows to self-esteem can empower laziness and self-pity leading to low-level self-abuse that can result in a body energy/mass that does not keep up with it's mind... I believe that is what has happened to me over the years... and I do not want to slide any further along that path (that is an accelerated aging landslide from my perspective) than I already have (and I want to be sure I do not allow myself to be seduced or influeced to get complacent with the slide so that I slide passively)... I wonder what you think of these thoughts... this is very important to me, a very important aspect of my philosophy of life and perspective and understanding of myself and the human experience... I seek more depth in my explanations without falsehood or unproductive or meaningless rationalizations...

again I hope you choose to help me along this path in mind and body...

>I don't know about the rest of me. It
> is very hard to judge oneself. Don't judge me or
> yourself too harshly.

this is a weakness (or strength) of mine... I just myself with a perfectionist mirror quite often, though I've mellowed dramatically over the years (and still find myself with more lofty standards for myself on most levels than anyone I've ever met)... I hope you sense that I do not judge anyone but myself and endeavor to use extreme caution when judging anyone who wishes to bond intimately with me because I realize that person (you, for this moment) is a seperate unique individual who has no obligation or responsibility to live up to any standards but her (your) own and I have absolutely no right to even suggest my standards should include her (you) no matter how closely out energy fields engage...

I believe the instinct in me, subconscious (or unconscious, perhaps) takes over when physical intimacy presents itself as the merging of bodys - energy fields - brings each individual closer to the other, kind of like a psychic and spiritual and standards and physical-being osmossis... I believe this is why two who truly merge with each other begin to look like each other over time... and it's just the theory that my subconscious tells me is true and just because I trust and believe me, nobody else has to...

but it remains real and true for me...

>I don't have any problem with
> the physical you. I am getting too old/experienced to
> worry much about anything but the core anyway. I
> understand that you want to run and get in better
> shape, etc. Please don't put off living until then.

I am trying not to... although I have always put off sharing sexual intimacy due to the instinctive energy level blending I tried to express... I've physically experimented and everything I experienced supports my theory and subconscious guide... I may be wrong and as much as I believe I am a child inside Iand as lonely and/or horny as I may get at times, there may be an old dog in me as well... new tricks?... I wonder... are there any?...

> I want to lose 30 pounds and get to the gym more often
> myself. Do you like to bike? I love it but I need to
> get a baby seat. I think I could ride on state road
> 11 early in the day.

I used to love to bike... some of my best memories of fun time was taking a few weeks to explore some area (like a whole state or several states) by bike... I think one of my dreams of a happy retirement is to have a motor home and spend at least part of the year wandering, exploring small towns, interacting with people, learning more about cultures and experiencing the people, places, and things in a relatively timeless adventursome way... and as long as I am able, a bike will be along for the exercise and local explorations... like I wonder where that road leads...






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the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

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