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2005-06-12 - 11:59 a.m. conversations lala12 and the weekend finally came and went and it was fun and the second week of the conversation begins (I think)... > Yes, I feel special! yay!... >I loved the weekend, too. yay yay! >Before me kook, you Jane... ok, I am quite exhausted and should sleep, but I also must not abandon myself and all the loves of my life (so I gave some time to home people and to myself and words and stayed awake way too long and then checked mail and here we are... madness is assured)... >I didn't know if we would get along in you know you have a true friend when it doesn't matter what you do and you're still happy doing it... I love words... I love sharing words with people who love words... I hope I always will and hope to always share words with people who matter to me... in words I find my truths and myself... in words I keep my fantasies alive, my dreams can breath, my hopes flourish, and my confusions and conflict work themselves out... people go away, words remain... and one of my two or three favorite dreams is to find someone who will share trust as much as I do in words, to bring the trust I find in words into physical world sharing... I hope the sense I get from you, that we will listen to each other and look inside past the discomforts and fears and social courtesies to find the truths in each other (even some we might hide from ourselves at times), continues to be what we share whenever we share... I like being personal with you... >But it was great and I didn't want you to ummm (glancing at the ceiling casually as I admit this next thought), there was a strong urge to just move in and call it home... I am not sure how comfortable you or your kids felt with me and don't expect instant acceptance / trust / love / and so on, but you are a family unit and ideally we should all adore each other... I so want family and feel so very comfortable with you... and yet, as comfortable as I feel with you emotionally and intellectually, I don't pretend to imagine I could hide my physical discomfort (and I have no wish to hide anything from you, though I also have no wish to do or say anything that might be a hurt for you and I hope my physical discomfort is not going to be one)... above all else I want us to seek truth in each other, for that is the only way to be real and in the end, what is real is what matters most... >And I am looking forward to next me too... >I have warm friend feelings for you. I I have always been in control of every situation I've ever truly become part of without conscious effort... it just seems to be the dynamic of my personality when interacting with others... maybe I should be a psychological case study for some panel of doctors or something... I have always sought to just be a wallflower, to just blend in, to just be normal (whatever that is)... it doesn't work for me... and then I wonder if all that is just ego or rationalization or some complex defence mechanism... I want to accept you as you are and encourage you, without pressure, to be the best you can be, the best you that you want to be in every way, to follow your true deepest dreams, to find your truest bestest happiness... >However, I can tell when please give me examples because I am not sure if I was consciously aware of doing this as I don't recall a specific moment... not to say I did not, just to say I might not et myself be aware of it... I want to learn about myself as much as you and everything else... >You have a I knew that once... strange as this may sound, I may have learned to forget, but that's not real, even if it gives me a sense of fitting in or belonging a bit... I'd rather be real... hopefully I'll remember how... I sense (and hope) you'll help me remember... >I need to learn some of I'd be happy to help you learn, when I remember... >I is this the part when I cock my head to once side and look like a puzzled puppy?... > I was going to call you from my cell phone like I so responsible... that is commendable... I used to be like that once... >Then I read rest and take care of you and I hope you feel better soon cuz I want to know you at your best (but if you need some nursing now and then, I'll do my best to help you get well too... I think I am instinctively empathic on a very weird, intense level... I think individual sensitivity and personality is tied into the specific pressures on the spinal cord formed by an individual's posture and part of that empathy is actually adjusting my spine to physically experience another's presence and experience... my theory, perhaps, but it makes sense to me and I've actually felt it work and have proven it through interactions with others, even if it's beyond complete explanation... my illusion?... delusions of grandeur?... or maybe I am an alien... or maybe I'm a witch... and it's been so long since I felt like someone truly wanted to know me (instead of just pretending to want to know me to get something from me) that I wouldn't want to lose you now... I hope to find more time to write soon (for myself to express myself better) and to communicate with you... and I am so looking forward to continuing to get to know you (and me through your eyes and mind)... and we're gonna work on fixing your back pains too (if I can remember how) cuz I want you to feel comfortable and happy and healthy for a long long time... me too...
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