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SITES I SEE A LOT
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Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

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utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
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reason
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nobody here




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AMUSEMENTS

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ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
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something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
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urban legends
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church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
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fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
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real doll (p)
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PO BOX 780398
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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-06-11 - 11:56 a.m.

conversations lala11


>>OK, here's something creepy.

I love feeling creepy with friends...

that is, when trust is real, even creepy is exciting...

>Are we the only two
>people in the universe who see everything correctly,
>with clear eyes, or are we both equally crazy "off the
>bell curve" (>understand everything you say and most of the time I
>think you are right.

wow, creepy...

and oddly, I feel I am far from my center, far from my peak awareness and clarity... still closer to a higher level of consciousness and awareness and self than most others, but still far from myself and where and how I can be and have been in the past...

does that make sense to you?

> I don't think I am fat because I have an eating
>problem. I know plenty of people who eat more than I
>do. And I don't eat to punish myself.

I eat too much in one sitting... and I don't know if I eat to punish myself, maybe, but I definitely eat to comfort myself and fill boredom and out of habit... I used to eat just when I was actually hungry and stayed in touch with myself to know when my stomach was actually full so I'd stop, but that healthy habit has been ignored for a while... knowing this, I can change it... one of these days...

>However, you are
>right that my family of origin had bad some bad eating
>habits, I could eat less and I could eat healthier and
>I could lose weight. I have done it before. I have
>had a hard time getting motivated to do it in the last
>few years and I don't know exactly why.

for me, it's been boredom and self-pity... feeling like I did not want to be more attractive because I did not want face the test of trust again cuz maybe I was damaged so bad that i could not trust and maybe I was so badly scarred inside that I would be ugly no matter how good the outside could look or maybe... self-analysis is a process that could be endless sometimes... or anytime...

and feeling sorry for myself because I was stupid enough to be used and abused and discarded as I was... toying with the idea of giving up on the physical world and retreating into my mind and sharing only through written words (and having a secure wall up that keeps me out of one-on-one intimate written correspondence)... returning to childhood habits learned in my first ten years (comfort foods include chocolate, chocolate milk, cream cheese and bagels and bread and cake and icing and mac 'n cheese and cheese and lots of cheese and cheeseburgers and hot dogs and ice cream and... see a pattern?)...

I've dreamed of bumping into someone fit anf trim and way ahead of my physically at this time at the gym or on the trail who sees through the bloat and fat and falls in love with me and lovingly ecourages me to chase her as motivation to get back in shape... I'll happily settle for her to be a friend and training partner and inspiration... my exercise log at reflected my most recent efforts at returning to the physical me that I know as me and the goals at (and daily exercise notes that may or may not reveal much about me) still exist somewhere in my brain and I hope to return to them soon...

I am a very harsh and unsympathetic disciplinarian when it comes to myself when I wake up and set my mind to physical world goals (I do not expect nor demand anyone else to live up to the standards I choose for myself) and I do not respect myself when I am shirking what I see as my responsibility to myself (so I don't respect myself much today in the physical world)...

>Some of it
>was that husband 3 stressed me, I have concentrated more
>on my children than I have on myself, that I get home
>so late now, as a single parent, that it is hard to
>get creative while a baby is hungry, and I have a hard
>time getting to the gym because I have to go when they
>have babysitting hours, and etc.

I tell myself that if I had an eliptical thing at home I'd be on it daily and maybe I would (in fact, probably), but who knows for sure... every time in this life that I have entered any sort of physically intimate relationship (even if it was just a hugging and cuddling intimate friendship), I found myself motivated to get back into shape much more... the very act of touching fat or having someone touch mine sends chills through me and I still sense it will easily have me out running almost immediately to feel physically better in this body...

as I said, it's about the feeling I feel, not about appearance... hopefully I'll still feel that instinctive aversion to bloat and fat, most especially my own (I feel it already just thinking about you hugging me, especially since I've over-indulged the past week or two and probably put on ten or more pounds than I was at the festival... I think that's mostly because I've been working so much and ordering in late night food leaves few options, none really healthy... but I also think I may have bloated myself to get me closer to feeling like you may be feeling in your body {my empathy is rather dramatic and extreme sometimes} so we might become closer)...

>The thing is, I
>haven't wanted it bad enough.

and that's the key for me too...

>And I had the attitude
>that I was not going to lose weight to get another
>man; if they don't like me the way I am then I don't
>want them.

yup, me too... with the gender switch (hey, gotta lighten up when we can, ya know?...

still, I know I was shooting myself in the foot, so to speak, since my bottom line is that I do not want anyone to really be attracted to me when I am feeling bloated and not loving myself right physically because that might mean they are settling for a lot less from themselves as well and might drag me down further into self-denial and self-abuse or at least not be any sort of motivator to take this body seriously again (and I'd like to believe, as I remember saying before, that I have a few or few dozen more marathons left in me before my heart or brain goes pop...

the visual image is superficial but it's tied into an instinctive energy-level and physical awareness depth in me that is not easy to explain and I'll try to if you like...

>And, even if I did lose weight to get a
>man, I could realistically never get to ideal weight
>and be perfect so why bother.

sounds like quitter talk to me...

ideal weight charts never worked for me because I have a wide frame and toothpick limbs... I go by how I feel and I feel best generally when I have less than 10% body fat and can run a marathon in under three hours, a mile in under six minutes... it's been years since I've been there (and I know I need to take it carefully now that I am out of shape and supposed to be old and feeble...

>The bottom line is I
>want to lose weight because I don't want to have bad
>knees and be diabetic like my older siblings.

excellent reasons... so let's do it...

>It
>would prevent me from living to be 100, at least a
>healthy 100. Whatever. I am getting tired of talking
>about weight and I am over that subject.

ok, just as long as you realize that we both avoid the subject too much in actual actions and I think neither of us actually want to give up on our bodies and just grow old and fat and lazy and so on... cuz as for me, at least when it comes to this body I live in, I am going to be cracking the whip on myself one of these days (and that might make me grumpy at first, like any addict changing habits)... no worries, my whip is only for me (just don't stand too close to me when I'm cracking it...

> Let's talk about sharing your body and all those
>questions that you dare me to ask you.

ummmm, ok...

>What
>questions? Are you just used to being alone and don't
>particulary care to be with someone else?

both... the former is habit due to several reasons already mentioned and maybe more we can explore if you seek to delve deeper... the latter is true too more due to physical discomfort in this body and lack of opportunity and also that trust issue...

>Or are you
>embarrassed about your body?

only for myself, so embarrassed is probably not an accurate enough word... disastified, disappointed, maybe even depressed about my body, yes... I prefer being nude, given my druthers, but am not comfortable with my shirt off these days because the visual reminds me of just how badly I've neglected myself and how much bull-shhhht my own self-love has become in the physical world...

>Does everything still
>work? What?

yup... I don't recall ever experiencing what I've read as definied as impotence... I tend to get nocturnal erections most every night and still have some involuntary nocturnal emissions (in fact, Sandra Bullock was humping me just the other night... that wasa really good one)... though I have not check my sperm count, ever, and the squirt doesn't go quite as far as it once did... I almost always, maybe always find myself very conscious of where my penis is and where my sperm might go when aroused... and my overall skin sensitivity is dramatically diminished because there are more layers of fat around the nerve endings... other than the sexuality, doing a quick body check (feel free to do an in depth work-up with detailed questions as if you were a GP and I was your new patient, ok?...

I've passed three kidney stones (mentioned those I think), ten years apart, two calcium carbonate and one uric acid (the last one)... each episode was precipitated by strenuous exercise outdoors on an extremely hot day with limited fluid intake and high stress... I seem to forget every ten years...

I occasionally get a hemmaroid and have a little bleeding, especially if my diet is not balanced... my colonoscopy was negative in 2004... my cardio-stress test was sort of ignored by the cardiologist in 2004 (I got 30 seconds of his time during which he said I was wasting his time and nothing was wrong with me)... the canals in my head seem interconnected and I notice it when I blow my nose... I get occasional nosebleeds when I get a head cold (used to have them as a little kid and had both nostrils cauterized)... my blood pressure was 130s over 90s too often for my doctor's liking and after resisting for a year I finally gave in and started Diovan HCT 160mg last year and it seems to be working... my next appointment for a check up is June 17th (lab work) and June 24th (annual exam)...

I have twinges of carpal tunnel in my right forearm lately... as a little kid I broke a few bones, none of the majors, just fingers... my vision was 20/25 until the past year or so and I think it's rising to maybe 40/40, but I am not sure of that because 1. I haven't had it checked and 2. I am bleary-eyed from fatigue so much that my own assessment is obscured... my hearing is normal in my right ear and there's some loss in my left due to tinitis (I am almost sorta used to the constant high pitched sound, which surprises me)...

what did I leave out?...

>Do you masterbate often or not much at
>all?

often... sometimes several times a day... when I feel fatter and bloated I detach from my body more and may go a few days without, but erections in my sleep increase and it's rare I go more than a few days... I prefer a hole in a pillow to my hand, usually... I can fantasize about specific people, usually the young and famous, though not the typical People's top ten sexy list (see for more details about the sensory attractions), but most often lately have a blank mind as I am making love to myself (and seem to have detached from humans more)...

>I am used to being with someone but I have
>always masterbated because it is different and freer
>and I don't have to worry about anyone but myself and
>who knows better than me what works?

nobody... it's good to read this awareness...

>Now that I am
>alone I keep myself pretty happy, which surprises me.

this is good, because I am probably fattening myself up just so I will feel even more uncomfortable sharing my body than usual (talk about defense mechanisms, huh?) and deep down do not want to get intimate until I am feeling much closer to myself physically again...

>That didn't happen before when I was single. Either I
>am getting older or wiser.

excellent, more self-sufficiency means less chance for co-dependency and denial and fooling self (lessons I try to learn better all the time...

>But I don't do it as often
>as I would have sex if there were a man around. So my
>motivation for wanting to get to know you is not just
>desperation for intimacy or sex, or someone to take
>care of me, or the usual crap.

even more excellent... I know myself well enough to know that if my top five libido fantasy people were all naked and willing and wanting sex with me at this moment I'd be wildly turned on, but probably choose to avoid contact or at best lay flat on my back and detach from my body because they deserve better than than I am right now and because I do not want to feel my current physical discomfort level and if I shut down most of my body I can maybe get away with fooling myself for a moment...

being male, working in my field, living in these times, and being me, I've developed some acute controls on my sexuality in this body and it's served me well (kept me disease free... never had an STD, probably should ask the doc to order tests next week as it's been a few years since I had them and even though I've not had a sexual encounter since the last, it's not unwise to be safe...

>I see so many single
>people who want someone, anyone, and it's sad.

yes, and there is a part of me quite lonely and dying in a very sad desperation for trust, love, and intimacy... along with all my energy and optimism and wonder and excitement and pleasures, you'll see expressions of the sorrow and wallow and hollow and fallow and pain and suffering and stupidity too if you find the time to read more of my writings (I can hope...

>I kind
>of like my life and I like myself right now, and I
>don't mind spending time with me.

this is what attracts me (maybe most) to want to know you better and hope we 'll be close friends, your sense of comfort with yourself and independence in your life and your awareness...

>But I think you're
>kind of a cool guy so I wouldn't mind spending time
>with you either.

flatterer...

>But one of these days I am going to get you interested
>in passion again.

passion has sat on a shelf for a long time (Harry's Up On a Shelf... you can find Harry words at and I think I've included bunches of links already, but if not, it must have been in a dairy entry and remind me to give you easier access to references I make to songs and my own writings)...

passion, for me, can be separated into ethereal and physical mostly because I am so disatisfied and turned off by the abuses humans put their bodies through (including myself)... fact is, 99.9999% of the people in this world are either too thin or too fat to reach my instinctive switch to turn me on... it's that instinctive switch that Amy flipped all those years ago... others have come close, but the innocence of being self-abuse-less is ultra rare in people of adult age and I'd rather not be a pedophile (we should be laughing)...

so I focus mostly on ethereal passions and generic fantasies as I write and sing and share intimate discussions on a wide variety of subjects with anyone who's brain really turns me on (and yours does)... and my physical passions are kept private because I do not wish to bring anyone down and I will not pretend my internal switch has been turned on when it has not... this is something I rarely share with anyone because I feel few truly want to understand and often the reaction is rude rejection and misinterpretation (as egocentric or narcissistic or snobbish or some such judgment of me that I suppose makes them feel better as it takes focus off them)... I hope you see the trust I place in you that shows how much I want to be close to you...

are you asking yourself what you've gotten yourself into with your challenge yet (are you laughing at that?...

so instead of sleeping for a few hours, I wrote this response... my obsession with sharing wins out over sleep once again... I think I need a vacation... you probably understand this given the fact that you've got your baby and your work... it's been at least four years since I've had a full week off, almost five years since I've been out of Florida except for a long weekend in Chattanooga... I think two weeks off, the first week just vegetating and sleeping as much as I can stand would be a wonderful thing... then maybe I can really delve into my psyche and reorganize my brain so it works right again... one of these years...

have I held back?... avoided?... I don't think so... I hope you continue poking and prodding and asking anything you want to ask and I hope you continue to want to know and grow closer to me as I still want to grow closer to you...

it is this:

>Are we the only two
>people in the universe who see everything correctly,
>with clear eyes, or are we both equally crazy "off the
>bell curve" (>understand everything you say and most of the time I
>think you are right.

more than anything that is so rare and precious... thank you for being you
(for I suddenly feel so much less alone in this world)...






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