LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
WHITE



last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
(how far are we from censorship?)

ONE. . . WHY
(find your social conscience)

Barbara Waters: so candoor, what all this fuss about blogmad?

Candoor: Blogmad? It's better than ever! Get more visitors (or find me in chat there). Register now and tell me for extra credits. VARB?


JOIN OR RE-REGISTER NOW

welcome blogmadians... and the rest of you, while still in beta, you can still join the latest greatest party on the web, blogmad!

SUPPORT BLOGMAD! BUY STUFF



o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

o O ( AND COMING SOON! ) O o

ABOUT ZOOPLA

o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o


blogadvance blogazoo
blogexplosion blogmad?
bloglines


o O ( SOCIAL CONCERNS ) O o

HELP THE RED CROSS
MESSAGES FROM MISSISSIPPI
BLOG FOR RELIEF
NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL

(MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL)
(INCLUDING LIVE CAM AND PHOTOS)

HELP AND BE HELPED
HURRICANE HOUSING
LINKS TO HELP
IMAGES FOR HISTORY
New Orleans News
Buloxi News
THE FAILURE


FREE SPEECH
(tell them what you think)

The White House
(202) 456-1111

Senate and Congress
(202) 224-3121

YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHTS
USE THEM





FAT MAN WALKING
BLOGATHON!
INDEX BEGIN
FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-06-01 - 11:19 a.m.

conversations lala1


maybe the best way to explain where I've been is to provide some of the conversations I've had during my time away from daily entries (I mean, since it does not appear there will be enough to actually create that new diary I mentioned somewhere along the way)... however it turns out, meeting someone new involves introductions and this will also give you yet another opportunity to get to know me, just in case you actually want to know me... and besides, this is a really easy way to fill in some entries so we can maintain the obsessive compulsion to have an entry for every day as if this daily diary would somehow implode or be something less than a daily diary if there was not an entry for every day (even if the dates get a little fudged in order to actually present the appearance of an entry for every day... but we won't get into the metaphilosophical ponderings of the space time continuum and the relativity of it all just now since we had some sort of plan {didn't we?... I mean, I'm not all alone in this mad dash to create the diaryland experience, right?... you write yours, I write mine, we read each other, that's how it's done... so we is the correct pronoun after all... and you thought I might have been going royal on you or something, didntcha?)...

anyway, I must have mentioned, or hinted, or somehow suggested that I was actually exploring a social life offline... that's why you've not had consistent daily entries here... since I went through the process of attempting to introduce myself to someone in the real world and I want you all to know me too, you can eavesdrop on our conversations (at least the written parts) in the next few entries here... or perhaps it'll be a series that continues from time to time as the conversations continue (and we hope they will, right?)... perhaps I'll provide background down the line, but for now, let's just jump into the first conversation and see what we find...

I have parts of my innards that are rather badly damaged goods and trusting is an amazing experience I seldom seek out any more, but I love the fact that I still seem to be able to do it in spite of the cruelties and betrayals and losses I've known in this life... I would like to, based on a little talk, eye contact, and your willingness to trust/know me based on whatever it is you saw or heard, know and trust you and call you friend...

I smile when I think of your smile...

that was a rather vulnerable thought for me and I laugh at myself for this paragraph that is probably more self-reflective than is appropriate for a first letter to a relative stranger, but then, appropriate is irrelevant when being real and friends are real (if we must clarify, true friends are real, so I'd like to call you true friend... yes, there's reason for the self-reflection... clarity is good sometimes)...

I ponder my self-doubts sometimes (doubts I've developed at great expense through acutely stupid mistakes, of course) and at this moment as I write this paragraph (which must be one of those times) I wonder why you'd want my email address and whatever I might have done or said that would inspire you to want to keep in touch or even be my friend or true friend or (did I mention I ramble off into uncharted depths?) family (I have no biological family, so all who I claim as family are family by mutual adoption)... there is a part of me that always wonders "who me?" whenever I get any attention... and the secure childinside laughs...

that secure core of me is hopefully the main aspect of my personality and behavior and hopefully that's mostly what people come to know as me... it's that part, that 'childinside' as I call myself, that considers running around like a nut (sometimes overwhelmed by stuff to do) fun...

I think life is a roller coaster of emotions and experiences and the best we can do is learn to enjoy every twist and turn and climb and fall, for better or worse... and I hope to always try to do the best I can do...

(the closet philosopher speaks)

ok, this could go on forever, but you might run away in fear of the madness or simply fall asleep out of sheer boredom so I shall pull in the reigns on my opening and relatively aimless babbling and turn to your words to offer up an actual response to what you wrote...

> I just found your email address last night. We don't
> use the "red room" too much. Then I couldn't email you
> from home because the phone line into the computer
> room is down for some weird reason. I think we have
> ghosts.

I love the idea of ghosts, though I prefer to hope that they are not, as so much literature portrays them, souls trapped in chains of howling and haunting agony... if there are ghosts, I'd like to believe they are just manifestations of whatever energy we might become after we leave these bodies and they are free to travel through and beyond time and space and I suppose your amusing aside was not meant to inspire such metaphysical pondering, but...

ok, so I babble... and maybe I think too much too :)

to the point, time is relative... the intent to communicate as demonstrated by your asking for my email address and initiating the email is a wonderful feeling for me at this moment... there's a line from Robin Hood that goes "there are no perfect people, only perfect intentions"... I try to believe that and trust in a friend's intentions (it makes for much better friendships for me :)

so thank you for wanting to communicate, to know me, to be my friend, true friend (if that's not too presumptuous of me) and please be assured that whether you respond today, tomorrow, next week or longer, your words will be just as appreciated and welcomed here :)

hope I don't smile too much... I do not use this colon-half-parentheses thing all the time... hope you don't mind that you inspire them :)

and looking into me, I tend to shy away from email due a very long story that I'll try to sum up in a few words:

words, trust, love, commitment, felt I found everything, betrayal, felt I lost everything, dead inside...

ummmm, too terse or cryptic? (ah, the futile attempt to keep it light may have failed me, but maybe we'll laugh anyway)...

ok, words mean a lot to me (understatement)... I've been writing ever since I can remember holding a crayon (I write lots of rhymes and in recent years keep journals online)... and meeting and getting to know someone through written words used to be one of my favorite pasttimes... in fact, I used to publish pen-pal type magazines...

flash back to the early nineties...

the last time I fell in love it started on paper (snail mail) and after three years we met and moved in and adopted each other (her four kids called me daddy)... me, being the foolish child in love that I was, left a house in Florida (and all the bills and responsibilities) and took all my savings and credit cards and made a home in Toronto because she wanted to live there... a couple of year later I had nothing left and complications set in and, cutting to the chase, I found myself closing my eyes to sleep on the streets of Buffalo, NY wondering if I really wanted to wake up again...

I am happy to report that I did not completely die (the child tries to keep a sense of humor) and I've been picking up the pieces and putting some sort of life back together and except for the nice retirement nestegg and some chunks of heart and soul, I seem to be back to my all too idealistical optimistic hopelessly hopeful romantic self (which probably makes me certifiable, but then, they have to catch me first...

and that was the shortest I've gotten that story yet?... lam... lam is like lol, except that while lol is laughing out loud, lam is laughing at myself... I find myself lam a lot...

I think my point was (if you are rolling your eyes and wondering why in the heck you ever wrote to me, I apologize for taking up so much of your time... but if you are smiling or even amused with me at this getting to know me rambling, then thank you and I owe you own huge hug...

I still twinge when I start believing in someone, when I start trusting someone to be a friend, so please understand that my habits of avoiding email (which I will do my best to overcome) and real trust and intimacy have nothing to do with you and I do want to know you and be your friend...

wow, heavy ghosts I've got, huh?...

interjecting here for a moment to point out that I will be editing out some of the conversation because it's not fair to expose all of someone else's parts if they don't want to and since I am not sure if she wants me to or not I'll not for now... so this is one of those edits, just in case the rest of this entry seems at all incongruous at this point... seen as a whole, the excerpts from the letters should be an introduction to me from a more personal point of view, or at least a different perspective than purely diary writing... so let's overlook the incongruities if there are any and continue (feel free to let me know what you think about this or that or me, even, cuz you know we love feedback)...

ok, so now back to the conversations...

one of the saddest parts of life for me is the fact that I did not create kids... I cared for a few for long enough to feel like they were mine and it hurts to know four are somewhere in Toronto kept out of touch with me by their mom... the good news is that one who grew up here in Orlando (and now lives in Chattanooga) and who asked me to give her away at her wedding, still keeps in touch and calls me daddy... especially when she needs something...

I think that my ideal purpose in life is to nurture... it is what I feel I do best and what I love to do most... that's why I chose health care and child care as a career throughout this life (except for the nineties when I took time off to explore my creativity, wander aimlessly exploring life, and generally having fun)... my most personally rewarding life was when I was a stay-home dad for four kids in Toronto... that's also the most vulnerable I've ever been in every way... I tend to give everything (and I mean everything, which left me with nothing more than once) and I don't particularly wish to change (it goes beyond wisdom or folly for me and as much as I laugh at the vulnerable way I am, I also respect it)...

it is odd to be me sometimes, impulsive and free inside and still striving to learn some reservation or whatever it is that people expect in social interactions... I just get a feeling and go with it like I am doing here (at least I used to)... as brief as our eye contact and conversation was, I have the feeling that I know you and you like to know you and trust you and... I said all this already, didn't I?...

well, it's not like I organize my thoughts into a cohesive essay when I write letters... I just write what I feel and hope the words mean something beyond my brain...

> It was great meeting you last weekend. You seemed
> to be the only person working hard all weekend who
> didn't seem stressed out or grumpy. That is a big
> asset for you.

thank you... and thank you for noticing... I'm even less stressed when I get a little sleep, but pulling all-nighters is part of a party weekend for me...

I didn't feeling like any of it was hard work (though the break-down Monday in 90 degrees reminded me that I should do more serious regular exercise...

whatever I do, I find the fun in it (and it's in there, it really is... it's just that sometimes it takes more imagination and creativity and even some craziness to find it...

and here we are... becoming friends?... hope so...

I took the opportunity to introduce myself a bit here and hope you are ok with that... if I pour out too much at once, just let me know (telling me to shut up works...

I hope you feel comfortable sharing yourself with me as I'd like to know you... what really matters to you, practical reality (with all it's little details that might seem meaningless or boring to anyone but a real friend) and hopes and dreams...

as for knowing, me, I'm an open book and pages turn relatively randomly... just ask questions to turn pages that have not turned yet... and most seriously, no question is off limits - you really want to know, just ask...







. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




.

.

.

.

.

the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

you know that box to the right on the dland entry page called recent public entries?... what do the asterisks mean?... and the bold?...

. . .

connections

.

.

.

.

AND WHATDYA MISS?
Laughing Lament
stranger brews
once upon a diaryland
babbling through computer concerns
stunningly missing
older still


random chance

who me?

leave a note?
(read archived notes)

send me mail?

you want to know me?
soundtrack
101 Things
The Sequel
The Trilogy
202 Things
200 Things
202 More Things
202 Things Again
testing123
have time, love words?
sleepwriting
(where the heart dreams)

and now, in RealTime�

DO ME!
(Johari Style)


DO ME WRONG!
(but do me right)


SOAP!

(EPISODE ONE)
(the dark side of candoor)


loving linkers
other loves

A Diaryland Survey
other surveys
small world
your profile matters
(search for you & find me)


tell others
read others
applause?
favor?
gift?

get your own!

saturn rings and other places
googlisms
browsing
where've ya been?
the searchers

favorites

911
HEY AMERICA!
LOOK AT YOUR CHILD
STOP THE ABUSE

(GET THE CODE)

THOUGHTS ON GOD

( temporary attractions )


BACK TO #1 @ GOOGLE!

WAS #1 @ MSN!
(for a while, now on page 3 5)




(EXPERIMENTAL PLAYTHINGS)
RSS?



who links here
blogwise
Blogarama
Globe of Blogs
blogthings

~ BLOGLINKERS ~




~ BLOGROLLING ~
(Blogroll RSS)


Blogroll Me!

published
blogadvance
blogazoo
blogexplosion
blogmad?
bloglines



(PREVIOUS TEMPORARY ATTRACTIONS)
TSUNAMI INFO
fantasy sports?
BLOGGIES?
sorry everybody
Orange Blossom Music Festival

Deland Music Festival
MIT Survey

brilliant idea
Celebrate Birthdays
FOR FREEDOM



CONTINUE...
talking dog






SAY HELLO
407-325-1482





and if you want to leave
take good care
hope you make a lot
of true friends out there