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2005-06-15 - 1:48 p.m. continuing and we try another night at work, second consecutive, starting when no one is around (which doesn't happen too often because it's not wise to be alone in the hallway for too long for several reasons, but that's work stuff and we're not here to focus on work stuff tonight (after all, why work at work if you don't have to?... and they actually consider me conscientious to the point of obsessive compulsive at times... nothing like a great reputation to allow some free time for goofing off, aye?)... yesterday was an example of what happens if I let the words build up for too long, that is, if I do not write daily... even mostly sleeping (and even mostly dead) and even though I deliberately cut my writing time short with many more words trying to bubble out of my brain through my fingers and even with much distraction from other things and people and some TV vegging and other things to do, a rather lengthy entry emerged... the trouble is that so many thoughts were running around my brain vying for the attention of the part of my brain that actually sends words to my fingers that any points I might have wanted to make may have been diluted or severely distorted, confused even, because it's kind of like trying to find a specific flow of water amidst a massive flood, if that makes any sense to you... writing is breathing for my mind... as singing is breathing for me, period... and I've not been doing either very well or consistently or with all I can put into it (therefore not being all of me) for a long time now... so the idea of actually suspending the daily writing for any length of time is absurd (might as well >check me in now... and any real emergence from my psychosocial cocoon would be precipitated and facilitated by a dramatic increase in daily singing and anyone truly becoming an intimate part of my life would recognize the need for the writing and the singing and encourage it... ideally, thrive on it (if only as reader and audience, minimally) as much as I do... so what's up doc?... I woke last night all set in my mind to pack a salad and eat healthy this week, but there was no time to do that and when I got to work there was a call for Taco Bell and my cravings of late have included Cholupas (even if I am not sure how to spell them) so I order a couple and then, getting home, I found the boxes of Hot Pockets I bought last week still sitting in the freezer so that was the after work meal (along with about 100 grams of imported European chocolate that Precious so thoughtfully brought home from Europe for me) and then tonight I woke too late for packing a salad again so it was the run for the border once again and now, just cuz I am consistent (not to mention a serious chocoholic), a Big Kat... I figure if I record this decadence here I might be ashamed of myself or something and change habits... yeah, that might happen... I mean, I might change habits for a lot of reasons, but shame never worked on me... nor has guilt... but it's worth a try anyway... more likely someone like you who cares about me and who appreciates the benefits of a healthy diet and serious exercise will beat me over the head with my own stupidity and excuses and rationalizations and by caring so much and so often and so intensely that I not only can not ignore you, but you endear yourself to me as someone I must truly let into my psyche with some influence privileges (ever so rare an occurance in the real world) in my offline world and feel motivated to respond to your kind concerns with some actual actions of my own... I mean besides smiling huge and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside... obviously I need to get back to where I once belonged, even though my name is not Jo Jo... and pick up the pieces of my broken everything and climb back out of the hole of stagnations and apathy and start logging in exercise again (one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, mile after mile, and do not stop until you get enough {and make sure enough is what you really need, not just what you want}, that is how it is done)... fool that I am, I sit here tapping away at the keys waiting for (wishing for) some external motivation, for someone with some real interest in health and feeling optimally alive in these physical bodies to come along and inspire me to want to wake up and fly again (as opposed to the hope, skip, and jumps I do between my slow crawling around)... I suppose that, upon brief observation, I might give the impression that I am a rather manic energetic bouncy child-like kind of person and comparatively (based on the current cultural norms), I am... I am not, however, anywhere near my own personal energy level, no less optimal, so from time to time I send out this message in this bottle (and other similar want ads and lists of things I want most in this life... and I am just hopeful enough to believe somebody might care enough to respond (and some of you do, dear readers and friends, and that makes it all worthwhile)... and fool or not, I dream of the one stumbling across my bottles and... we'll live happily ever after... meanwhile, the day to day life continues and I do my best to continue to enjoy it... Precious reminds me of how exciting (and occasionally angst-ridden) it is to be a teenage and since my heart has never left those dramatic teenage years (and some may say I am emotionally immature as if that is some sort of bad thing or even an insult and I'll laugh knowing you'll never get it because that's better than the pity such an tired old and mostly dead perspective might inspire)... and Rasputin reminds me of what feeling like family is about as we are there for each other and kind of take each other for granted in a good way... and Berry at work reminds me of how good it feels to do a good job even if it is not only not appreciated, but generally frowned upon by lazier peers and mid-level managers who support the do-as-little-as-possible philosophy... and Bert at work reminds me of the path of a dreamer that I have long travelled in this lifetime for better and worse... I haven't heard from Helena, who reminds me of the comfort of friends without obligations, in a while and I've left some messages and while I'm not too concerned cuz we've been cool for years about fading in and out due to life changes, relationships, and business stuff, I hope all is well... and life continues to have slivers of hopeful smiles shining through each day in spite of the way the human race rains down it's general negativity and destructive nonsense... even when I am lonely... I still have not gotten to the catching up entries that I intend to get to when I get to having time to get to those catching up entries that I still intend to get to (get it?), but at least I found time at work to release some of the words that fill my head and maybe, just maybe, they came out in some semblence of cohesion that means something, even if it's just a mostly personal meaning reflecting the mostly personal daily life I wander through each day... and some people besides me even like my rambling too (thank you, bless you, yay)... and on the horizon, my new friend from the weekend who shall be known as Ceilia Jello (pronouced Ceilia Yellow), reminds me of how it feels when someone might actually start believing in a friend (who me?) again... and the details will unfold as they may...
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