how could I have possibly missed 4/4/4?... I mean, with my fixation for (ummm, love of) numbers and the infinite possibilities of chance, coincidence, fate, destiny, and random meaning found in anything (like numbers), the fact that I zombied past this date and have only a simple twist of fate to bounce around my nogging with you here after the fact (and before the fantasy, but that story has yet to be written for the essential ingredient is still only in my mind and sharing makes it real which is why I share everything as much as possible so that as much real as possible can be made in this life hoping that the magical connection that is without doubt the ultimate kismetic euphoria found in the faith in shared eternity that comes from true love that reaches beyond all reason or will power or logic or any attempt to intellectualize for what just is and can not be denied {except maybe by the dead or those who try so severely that they are willing to destroy and even kill, but we hope not to have intimate contact with too many such confused souls) when I already did more than I did before and that will be followed up in the next entry... so what is this one?...

four-four-four, whatever that means...

I remember, once upon a time, wondering if I would live to see the year 2000... I was kind of experimenting with life a lot as a littler child and did not have the bonding or nurturing that seems to be the norm for humans, which may be why I bonded so easily with friends and why I fell in love so easily throughout my teens (or maybe in spite of it)... and then, after love failed me (I was all of seventeen), I explored every chemical alternative consciousness I could find to enhance and/or escape from (I always thought of it as enhancing as I was still actively wandering through life, a drifter with no home, like a complete unknown, like a rolling rock of Gibralter) the normal, the daily routine, the commonly acceptible perspectives on life... I mean, just look at humankind and tell me there is no better way (I'll wait... chershire grinning)...

so I figured I had an even chance or survival, what with my love of running and healthy foods and positivity (not to mention the belief in immortality that most every romantic teenager had as a teenager, before the world provided lessons on adulthood)... and my living somewhere out beyond the edge... and I did (survive), though things looked rather shaky towards the end of the nineties (and the decade started out so amazingly luxuriously extravagantly easy... go figure)... and the irony of losing everything just before the turn of the millenium, going from wanting for nothing to having nothing, from comfortable digs to the cold hard street, well, it was more challenge than I'd ever like to experience (no less imagine) again... from the penthouse to the street, someday it must be made into a musical comedy... and then came 2000 and I found myself alive and ready to start over (thank you John and Yoko... twenty years ago, almost today, well, that day), to take a chance again (go for it, if you can bring that reference to the fore without looking it up, I mean, anybody can look anything up on the internet and you could cheat, but we'll know it eventually, no matter how well the fool fools the fool)... and the year was a wild ride (returning to Orlando with enough cash to take the year off and focus on creating online groups dedicated to connecting people with similar interests {and finding me some local friends, and I found a few, though not all could be trusted and once again I was fooled and lost everything and since then I've been mostly dead, but you oughta know [yeah, reference] by now that is another story without a horse or a different color} and getting annual passes to al the theme parks and then, strangely, not using them {except the day I bought them} because, ironically, I did not meet locals who actually went to the parks regularly as I used to when I last lived here and then {still 2000} having to move twice because the people who rented me space had changes in their lives and needed the space suddenly with massive apologies for the inconveniences and then, finally, just as 2001 began and I was wondering why I even want to begin to attempt to trust anyone to keep their word {no less contracts}, I leap to unconditional trust one more time only to have the rug pulled out from me one more time and end up on the street {well, actually, this time in my car} once again and am forced to settle on the best available job instead of continuing the fax/phone job search I had just begun that month and again working 70-90 hours a week {almost as much as 1999, wow, a year on, a year off, clap clap} and eventually I found a place to live that couldn't pull the rug out from under me {at least not without lawyers and legal action} and here I remained rebuilding life with as much ambivalence and disillusionment in humankind as I've ever known {yeah I know, so where does candora come from... well, we all have our dreams, ya know, even the bums on the street and the children in the orphanage and the waifs in the cancer wards and the prisoners on dream row and the clouds that soak up the oceans and the sunshine until they just can not take it anymore and let loose with a cry that soaks the Earth with nurturing tears so that everything can strive to live the best life it can, but we may have wandered off on anothet tangent again so I'll close this parentheses within a parenteses and see about closing the outer parentheses as well if I can even imagine finding where the point of this particulare sentence was ever going} and here we are semi=lost within parenthetic asides and irreverent babbling while the rest of the world scratches it's head wondering what is going on while passionately pretending to know exactly everything as if nothing is or could ever go wrong with their master plan... in any case, it has been a wild ride)...

and so here we are at 4-4-4 (or 04-04-04) and I found some way to beat around the bush offline as the time passed, yet slipped, as I said, maybe an hour of sleep into the mix, and yet, as you may remember, posted no words at the time (as if it's been so long since then, huh?) and I may have done it subconsciously deliberately just to sprinkle some monosodium glutamate on the confusion or perhaps what I was really doing was spreading fertilizer on the gardens to enhance the growth (enhance, did I say enhance again?) or maybe I was just letting the time (and my mind) go where it will go (whether or not that was fixing the holes where the rain gets in), but whatever the reasons (which I would only begin to explore if confronted eye to eye by someone nurturing enough to find a way to keep me in one place long enough to actually start explaining, which is not myself at the moment, but then, I deserve a vacation too from time to time), I continue here anyway and nothing else matters...

so I rocked around the clock and had no time to post this entry and hopefully you missed me, but then again, hopefully you miss me now and did not then because you were too busy enjoying life then, as I was... I am not sure if I referenced The Moody Blues during the entry, but they have played during part of it... and The Smashing Pumpkins might be playing next, or perhaps Julia Fordham, who played recently for the first time that I can remember, and then there is Michael Crawford who played me to sleep a couple of nights this week (reminding me of Edward Scissorhands and The Telling, two of my favorite sleep CDs, the latter rather challenging to find, the absence of which, of course, leads to the wounds still bleeding, but that's besides the point, except that the reason it keeps coming up is because I keep hoping someone will understand and inspire the healing rain that must come when the oceans and sky meet the sun and absorb enough energy to require renewal, which is neither here nor there, but deep inside where no one can go without magic and some special secret elixor only they will know how to make with just the right amount of giggles and tears) however I am quite certain that most of the musical lyrical and other references above in this entry were not directly from any of the references in this paragraph and I just decided to name drop for the heck of it, or distraction, whichever came sooner...

because nothing else matters...

so what does it all mean, this numeric accounting of time?... and what have we done? (even though it is not Christmas, it is worth asking whenever there might be the shread of hope that a meaningful {or better yet, true} answer might come)... rambled on?... how many people and how many was did you touch meaningfully today?... how many inspired you to feel something true?... and how many of those feelings did you share?... how did you share them?... and at the end of the day, was your balance in your personal account in the bank of the energy of the eternal infinity positive or negative?...

do you know why?...

do you care?...

someday I might return and make a little more sense of this entry (or more likely, add to the confusion, for what it's worth), for every entry is intended to share something and often the most rambling are the most profound in disguise (but this one may be an exception to that often occurence, which makes for the mystery and excitement that keeps you coming back, all few of you devoted readers of the madness that pours from the stuff that oozes within my skull)... you might want to know...

what can be said for a soul that arrived with Bill Haley's comet?...

or the trail...

whatever is chasing me, or caught up in the apparently infinite tale that is only visible when the lighting is just right and we are looking in the precise place in the sky, my life will be forever altered cuz you're not here and I will, someday, let loose with a cry again and therein find the elixor of life and re-animate my long sleeping synapses and nurture myself instead of (in addition to) everybody else so I can therein do it all much better with more awareness and enjoyment than I even have at the moment and the gardens will once again be blessed with fresh blooms... I thank you for the treasures you send me, the magic you are that continues caring through the void I have become at times in this life... the heart in you is the most precious things there is in this universe and nothing else matters...

except everything...

and this appreciation was sent in a few emails, copied on some CDs (from the library), spent what I hope was some meaningful (quality?) time with one of the people I live with (in the absence of the other), did some serious cleaning (in the hope that I might lead by example), renewed my spirit, recharged my debit card for the bank of the energy of life and the eternal infinity (whatever that is), and pressed into my memories with the mark of time...

and remembered you...

for for for it is your caring that brings me back to life, wakes me up inside, turns the evanescence I have become back into a visceral form that may still pass as a human being in this life... and what an amazing journey it has been...

I can only hope to continue to learn to enjoy the moments more and more no matter what and ultimately, that the comet that takes me out of this life is even more exciting a revolution than the one that I road in on... whatever the color...

and you too...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)