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real doll (p)
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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2007-02-09 - 5:20 a.m.

a collection of reflections


presenting a collection of reflections from ponders and wonders in comments and daydreams... and that would have been the title if I did not make an effort to shorten titles for the space provided on one line on websites... of ponders and wanders through wonders and blunders in comments and vomits and playstreams and daydreams...

I would not consider this an entry of deep thought or even deep thoughts in the Jack Handy vein, however I do believe I was sincere in my attempts to communicate my perspective with people I personally care about which usually keeps the sarcasm and mockery to a minimum (unless it is aimed at me), so perhaps there is more to be learned from an entry like this than from my complete free-for-all mind dumps... you can tell me if you ever come over and stay long enough to get to know me... in any case, I have not forgotten the promised self- review-type entry and I believe you might learn much from the previous entries that you most likely missed, but for now I give you a collection of reflections...


on this diary

this is where the English language takes a daily drubbing in the form of streams of consciousness and the occasional Seussian rhyme as I endeavor to present life in black and white as it occurs behind the candoor...




on self-defeatism

my brain is foggy, extended stagnation in the body over time and the synapses are numb...

strange sort of death walk, this waiting for someone to push the right button... the very fact that I choose this stagnating path might turn the one who can push the right button away, and yet, perhaps not...

I don't think the gumdrops understand...




on the wonder of hope

brilliant prologue that challenges me in particular as I read and make the words my own...

my ultimate mental fractal:

there is always hope (I hope there is always hope {I hope there is always hope [I hope there is always hope...

I must recall my flexibility... we shall see if this week provides the time to focus enough energy to wake up a bit more and return to the physical world... wonder if I'll still be able to... and what about when I'm sixty-four?...

meanwhile, I fill myspace with yet another blog, pour yet another entry out behind the candoor, and have more tricks up my sleeve I'll allude to with much more obscure methods... the dream lives, in spite of it all...

someone that I can die for, someone that I can live for too

and that's all the song lyrical references for now...

I shall be released...

(in love)




on individuality

I think individuality is a myth for most at this time... most people fear individuality as it is isolating and lonely... that is why most condemn, attack, and try to change what is different...

and yet, I think most people want to think they are special, so we look for ways to feel special... one of the most common is to believe that god love us, so we must be special... another is for young people to look at how many problems their parent's generation lives with and react in a way that gets a rise out of their parents... pretending rebellion is individuality doesn't make it individuality...

humans, almost every one, follow the herd... doing what is popular... it is easiest to see at certain times when behavioral waves peak... sometimes it is popular to feign rebellion or uniqueness, to be 'radical' (the sixties)... sometimes it is popular to conform (the fifties)... these two decades saw peaks in the ebb and flow of human conformity, but both were conformity...

someday, I hope, people will worry less about what others think about them and will focus more on what they can do... then maybe we'll stop being such a reactive species and start... whatever might start :)




on the amusement of momentary ambivalence

these days, food seems to be the primary temptation in life for me... people don't... activities don't... most everything is bland and uninspiring out there and until I bring it inside and build a fantasy around it, I'm bored... I am seldom bored though, cuz my mind continuously gives me play time...

I would like more variations in stimulations from outside of myself, but I only pretend to control everything in the universe (there, I confessed, will you all stop reading me now?... what if I mentioned I was giggling?)... most seriously, I feel lucky that I find fun and wonder in most everything, even during these times when life gets so routine and shallow that it is mostly created in my head...

I have seven days off starting tonight and have nothing planned... feels great and not lonely yet, but I sense it on the horizon (especially cuz I am so way overtired at the moment)... I suppose it's just a matter of time before I step up and stop waiting for inspiration to come from outside of myself again and simply do what I know is best for me in spite of not being able to share it or thank anyone else for inspiring me, but I don't think I'll ever stop dreaming of finding my best friend...

I think that last thought popped into consciousness while I was reading one of my favorite online inspirations for hope for love and partnering... as she says, it is wonderful to be lucky enough to marry your best friend...

I am probably looking in the wrong places... or more likely, just not looking... accepting the possibility that I am in the wrong place and time for finding someone compatible and satisfying seems like a sad kind of giving up mindset... maybe it's time to ponder that... or just realize that I accept it and enjoy life anyway cuz that is what I do... my decision?... and who else might it be? (duh)...

sometimes I think I just write to think and sometimes I think I write just to stop thinking, but mostly I write to amuse myself... and as much as I love writing and amusing myself, well, you know J

time to get some food, since all I had for dinner tonight was a little soup... and then, perhaps some browsing for amusement with that hope of finding my best friend along the way... maybe tonight is the night I am finally done with my solitary journey... I mean, there must be somebody somewhere who wants to share the journey I am on cuz we are both on it...

yeah, mind and body obviously could benefit from sleep...

laterz, dudes J




on the irony of knowledge

maybe it's cuz the concept is so simple and ingrained in my way... I mean, maybe that is why I have (had) so little to say about this entry... most people think too much and confuse themselves (which is one of the most ironic ironies of all the ironies woven into the babbling I do, but that's beside the point) and that scares them and nobody really likes to scare themselves when they are not trying (I think it's kind of a duality of control thing, or the illusion thereof) so further thinking is attempted, but that just muddles the already overly layered analysis (no wonder people get paid to deconstruct other people's thoughts) ultimately reducing senses to spectators and any initial clarity (or desire) to dust (in the wind, perhaps) and that leaves them wondering which is up and what to do...

no wonder I'm alone (silly grinning fool I am)...

HUG








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