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(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

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real doll (p)
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PO BOX 780398
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send me some music
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let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2004-09-29 - 10:13 p.m.

I've been cheating


I know, this diary is supposed to be about me living life... life in black and white, no less... I mean, no frills, no colorful distractions, no party favors or tricks of the trade... and yet I've succumbed to the internet and my love of reading and sharing... giving and getting attention is a favorite feeling and thing to do in this life... reading is another favorite, one I rarely have enough time to actually satisfy... here at DLand and all over the internet, I get the feeling by combining two of my loves... and then I get selfish...

selfish?...

yes, selfish... you might think that I write a lot about other people's words, mentioning and linking other people is a favorite thing to do here... it is time to admit the motivations behind this... I love sharing... and the attention getting part of the sharing is the real tingle cuz even when I am stroking and giving 100%, it's the appreciation for that giving that lets me know I am giving something worth giving...

well, sometimes...

I mean, there are times when I know I need nothing, when unwavering confidence bathes me in irrepressible positive energy and unstoppable security... that's what happens (and what I feel) when I am in touch with the core of my core... I'm lucky that way, to know there is this knowledge inside that gives me such a wonderful feeling and strength and comfort...

but sometimes I forget...

sometimes I want someone else to tell me what I already know as if my word is not good enough... deep down I know this is stupid, but hey, I can do anything and if stupid is how I want to be once in a while, well I'll darn well do a good job of it... so I beg for attention sometimes (obviously) and other times I am begging in slightly more subtle ways... like you really think all the writing about all the browsing I do (mostly in this diary and there, instead of where it browsings) is pure altruism?...

ok, it's not completely selfish, I don't write for fame or fortune or even recognition as a primary motivation... but sometimes, like right now maybe, I wonder about it... it's just loneliness, after all (oh, as if it's so easy to understand myself)... when I am happily encounced in a mutually satisfying relationship (that is possible, even outside of literature, really... the cynic laughs), I am much more in touch with my inner giver, the part of me that seeks pure altruistic pleasures (not an oxymoron if you've been there)... but these days I've been alone long enough to feel loneliness as a force to be reckoned with, a wet blanket, a wall that keeps me from my innermost core of cores where the certainty of security and selfless love lives...

so I feel more selfish now... I want more attention now... I am seldom satisfied now... and I wander the internet (and the world) doing good things for others (old habits) not only because it is what I enjoy most and therefore that is doing good things for myself as well, but also in the hope that I will be acknowledged, recognized as a good person deserving of love and affection, thanked for being alive and who I am...

so there's not as much life in black and white here in my constant ramblings as the name of this diary might lead one to believe... there's a whole lot of sucking up to strangers (albeit, I sincerely feel the people I mention here deserve to be read and appreciated, I also have a semi-secret hope that I'll wake up tomorrow and find myself on ten gazillion favorites lists because I deserve it... of course the shallow ego would enjoy being on so many lists even if I didn't deserve it {so don't judge, just add?}, but I know that's just a fleeting bandaid for the deeper issue... the loneliness and hunger to share intimacies... to know someone complete and be known completely... to love and be loved... I do love you more than words, even when I am being selfish... even when I am cheating)...

I suppose this entry is closer to the idea of this diary than most as it digs into the psyche of the writer of the words and the psyche is kind of important in the life in black and white... it decides much, the psyche does... feeling comes from deep within it's core even if we call that subconscious or unconscious or something else... my motives may be obvious to some (and perhaps I just present them this way to be human with all the frailties and weaknesses and needs of mortal human man, as opposed to superman, no doubt)... but I am not perfect and do want to need others, especially a single soulmate person who completes me...

I want to forget that I am complete within myself... I want to need that much... I want to believe I am half of a whole...

is that cheating too?

well, I think that knowing and deliberately choosing to ignore knowledge is a different form of ignorance that may be the essense of blind faith and blind faith is the core of true love... so maybe it is and maybe it isn't...

it really doesn't matter what anything thinks once you find that one other person who mutually validates everything you (and he/she) believe...

maybe this and this influenced this sudden outpouring of introspection, but as is often the case, I am late for work and so...

treasure your love and those who share it... remember there are those who have loved and lost and those who have never loved at all... love your love all the more...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
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