have you read that recent entries?... I think the narcissism and altruism (not to mention the idealistic hopelessly hopeful romantic dream and the simple individual caring for an individual fellow being) may have merged a bit, or at least crossed paths... of course this might just be my way of trying to entice you to read all my entries and tell me which are your favorites cuz I want some ego stroking or praise... or maybe I think that'll help me know you better (so many layers)...

meanwhile, life goes on...

the workmen are banging outside of my bedroom window again, so instead of getting some sleep I'm sitting here... ironically (or coincidentally), the workmen climbed the scaffolding and started finishing the unfinished wall outside my bedroom window just a day after I posted that update on the apartment rating site (I mentioned it a few entries back)... and immediately there was another post by someone who decided that, while supposedly writing an honest review of their honest experience living here, he or she decided that in opening and closing the post, trying to discredit my opinion was a way of having nothing to do with me... people are so transparent, sometimes...

I question the validity and integrity of a site that allows that... at least they sent me an email telling me that they deleted my post because I put my email address and phone number in it to prove I was real... I mean, their site motto is Apartment reviews by real people... maybe they'll respond to the email I sent thanking them for the notification and asking them about why they allow positive reviews to give building numbers (which is rather apartment management-like identification, since most tenants do not know their building number as that is only on the map we get when we first move in) their apparently biased interpretations of their rules...

ah, got to keep the customer satisfied...

and speaking of paying customers, sometimes this DLand thing is ridiculous (prepare for a gripe since I just lost some words)... I almost always remember to type my words into a notepad file and then cut and paste so any slips of the fingers or any fingers the server may give me do not effect the entry... but then I paste the words into the white box (why is it a white box, anyway?... oh wait, it's too early to digress, isn't it?) and press the button and minutes can go by... lots of minutes... it's as if the DLand server is debating about letting my words come through... what, does the server read the entire entry before accepting it?... is my meager little diary getting too big for DLand?... is someone trying to tell me I write too much?...

anyway, I can write several more paragraphs while waiting for the entry to upload (and often do), which is one reason entries are often more than they appear to be at first glance (when you return for a second or third glance)... of course if you stare, you might find the transformation happening right before your eyes... special, aye?...

oh, if there was only time...

I sometimes feel like I am racing the clock, trying to squeeze fifty hours into each twenty-four... falling behind (into the past?) and chasing time to catch up with the moment... I just want to share the moment (and everything that's lead up to it and everything that can come of it)...

and this life (and the people, meaning the human) continues to amaze me even as I become cynical and complacent in my old age... the more I interact, the more I slip into the webs and structures people weave around themselves in some quest for community or whatever, the more different I feel and the more I realize I do not fit in... how can I express it... for me, conformity is suffocating...

this entry is depressing so far... do you realize that a rut is a minor depression?... I mean, look it up, the definition should be in there somewhere... how many steps does it take to make a rut?... how many times through the same pattern, through the same habits, through the same daily routines?... and how deep does a rut have to become before it becomes something you can not longer see out of, before it actually becomes what we'd call a depression (or at least an ambivalence, an apathy, a complacency)... how long before we forget there is anything beyond the walls surrounding the repetitive life path we've carved for ourselves in our own private rut?...

I wonder...

is it comforting when we do not know it is happening?...

and is a bit of awareness some form of annoyance or agony or torture?... is awareness, just enough to know we're stagnating, but not enough to know how to change, a curse that leads to desperation, to giving up, to feeling like there's no way out?... or just one way out?...

and I look closer inside myself and find so much love... how is it possible, I wonder, how do I still have so much passion for giving and trusting and sharing when so many times humans have taken and used and abused and left me almost empty... somehow more keeps coming from somewhere... that's me on the inside...

and I wonder...

how many lives can I give before I run out?...

all we need is love... la la la la la... day after day (alone on a hill?) I write here, in part as a record of a life (but what worth beyond my selfish desire to feel I have shared something, when all is said and done, is all this time and energy I put here... day after day, entry after entry, how many are read)... I want to believe that a few of you actually do catch up and read every entry (and not just out of boredom) and so I do (believe) and that is a wonderful feeling...

and then I wonder...

why is it not enough...

will I ever share it all, everything... is there anybody else crazy enough to have written every day of their life so there'd be so much personal self to actually share that it might take quite nearly forever?... somewhere in my fondest dreams I see myself curled up on a pillowy couch with someone who is reading everything I've ever written while I am reading everything she has ever written... the physical touch in the moment bringing a lifetime of memories together with what dreams may come...

may you all find your way out of your ruts, even if it's just a path you take through your own minds, for the moment... just remember - if you can think it, you can do it...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)