I got home from work about an hour ago grumbling, feeling majorly frustrated, thinking I had problems...

what an idiot I can be...

how about you?

oh, never mind, I'll focus on my brain...

in my brain the sun is shining...
just about always does...
in my brain the world is happy...
suddenly I pause
and wonder
if it ever was...

I read the email from Tim for the third time and realized I spent the morning somewhere else... I spent the morning in the same place I spent the last, oh, how long has it been?... just a day or two, but I was off in my own little bubble, focused on my own little world, all but forgetting that there was a world beyond my eyes...

how easily I can slip into that functional dissociative state... I do it so well, some doctors would probably label it a schizoid episode or some other technical term... I don't have a name for it, I just do it... I find that sun shining happy place in my brain and wander through my day and night dealing with what is right in front of me without thinking, just reacting to the moment and doing the best I can to do the right thing, help the most, be as kind and gentle and understanding and helpful and harmless as I can be...

I stayed a little longer at work this morning because someone was running late... I was expecting a call from august because we were planning on going to the zoo to see the monkeys today... my cell phone was doing funky things all night, losing it's sound, blinking, and when I pulled it out to check it this morning it was dead... completely dead... will-not-turn-back-on dead...

I took it to the Cingular store where I bought it... I've been with Cingular for years and a few years ago when a phone died they gave me a loaner and sent it out for repairs... I never did get the phone back... they somehow lost it...

I upgraded to a better phone when my contract expired and forgot all about that incident until today... between then and now I upgraded again, added Precious on the account and got a second phone/line, added more bells and whistles, added home network DSL internet service, and also have two lines with their local company, BellSOuth... they get a chunk of changed each month from my paycheck... but why should that mean anything in corporate America...

at the Cingular store the first thing they said is, "We don't fix phones."

I said, "You're the phone company and you don't fix phones?"

the answer was a shy affirmative... the girl looked like she has been in this position before and was hardened to the point of insensitivity when I asked what I am supposed to do now...

I was told I could buy a new phone... no discount, several hundred dollars... maybe it was my shock or maybe my frustration, but she did not appear to understand why I was shocked or frustrated... she offered to give me the address of a phone repair place...

"no, we're not affiliated, she said when I asked."

the place was about twenty miles away, at least...

"nothing closer?" I asked growing more incredulous.

"I don't know of anything," she answered casually.

apparently my next upgrade eligibility date is November 12th... apparently she could not do anything to change that... not after I explained how long I'd been with Cingular... not after I explained how I figured it would be cheaper for me to go with a new plan with a new company and get new free phones than it would to but one of their regular price pricey phones...

"I'm sorry I can't help you," she said.

I left and drop to another Cingular store that happens to be on the way home... the guy inside offered to let me call customer service from the store... I asked if there was a number and way to cut through the recorded crap, he said no... on the third try, he dialed (the first two tries took thirty minutes and had me dancing around various recorded queues)... with the press of a few magic buttons, I was connected with a live person (at least she sounded alive) within two minutes... amazing, huh?...

the customer service person offered several options, all of which meant spending more money than the cost of brand new service at a new company and all requiring driving time, waiting time, and the "best deal" requiring a few days waiting for a refurbished phone to arrive in the mail...

so much for contacting august before August was over...

the customer service girl gave me the address of a service place that was supposed to be within five miles... so I chose option none and drove to the repair place to see how much it would cost to get the phone up and running and how long it would take... I drove around for almost an hour looking for the address... there is no such address... the customer service girl must have misread it...

remember me, in my owqn little happy bubble?

my bubble was starting to stink of frustration... and decisions... do I return to the Cingular store and bite the bullet and buy a new phone at ridiculous prices and be happy to be back connected to the world in the shortest possible time?... do I drive to ATT or Verison or Sprint and price their phones and service packages (adding in the possibility of tossing in a home network DSL order and perhaps land lines to see if their offers sweeten)?... do I drive to the ocean and chuck the whole cell phone world into the sea?...

I drove home to email dear august who was stood up now for at least a little while (she was going to call when she woke... so maybe she didn't wake up yet?...

it was going on noon...

ok, so I emailed and explained and then checked my email and there was august giving me love even though I was late and uncommunicato... did I mention what a wonderful friend and understanding person she is?... yeah, go give her some love for she deserves it muchly...

I'll buy candy from your kid's school candy sale if you do...

hey, I'm American, I know how to bribe...

ok, so I look again and realize I got a second email in response to the aplogy I just sent reassuring me that I never have to apologize because she knows I don't mean her any harm and she just about made me feel great about standing her up and there I was back in my happy bubble ready to change clothes (day clothes around here are shorts and a T-shirt, night clothes in the hospital are long sleeves) and head out with a new positive attitude to solve my cell phone's problem...

but first, I plugged it into the wall in the hope that it was just dead from a dead battery and the charger bars were mistaken (or maybe I was so tired I thought I saw three bars all night when there were actually none)... and figuring it would take at least a half hour before testing whether it would work, I checked the rest of my email...

and there was timdangerous...

and I started this entry...

the bubbles of our small worlds of daily life in a few square miles, or a few dozen, even are full of things to keep us very busy... especially if we work (and I include working at home as a stay-home-parent)... so many busy jobs to do... so many little decisions to make... so many minor challenges to overcome...

sometimes we see our daily life jobs and decisions and challenges as major dilemmas or profound responsibilities and sometimes they are, but most of the time we just move through the same daily tasks and don't have to think much about what we're doing or anything else...

you are bright... you are wise... you see where I am going...

ok, maybe I'm a little harsh on myself to call myself an idiot...

maybe...

and maybe I was kind...

the fact is my world is warm and cozy, sunny and dry, safe and sound... all around me there are green and growing things exploding with life... my world is full of flowers and trees and overstocked store shelves and plentiful plenty everywhere I look... I have not looked at the television in two days, which is no rare event for me as I sometimes don't turn it on for weeks (but what is rare is my roommates haven't turned it on wither, at least not while I've been awake... I did actually sleep a little yesterday though, preparing to head out to the zoo today, ya know)...

see, there was this storm, a big storm, and the news reports and pictures were flooding my head with memories of last year when I faced several big storms and tried to enjoy them because I love a storm... part of me wishes I was out there amidst Katrina when it made landfall... yeah, that's definitely making idiot seem rather kind...

but then I hear a creaking door and I sense something very spooky lurks behind it in the dark... the memories of no power for 9 days... the memories of long lines, price gouging, angry and rude people, and a predominance of fear and selfishness that was everywhere I looked last summer... more than half the trees were laying on their sides, all five of the ones that were right in front of our windows... flowers were dying sideways... shingles and wood and all sorts of stuff was everywhere and months passed before there was no reminders of the storms in my view...

and my storms were babies compared to Katrina...

Hurricane Francis covered the entire state of Florida... it moved slowly, lasted more than 24 hours over our heads, and was full of water, but maybe twenty percent of the wind intensity of Katrina... Hurricane Charlie was a speedster with winds maybe two thirds of Katrina's but passed through within about two hours and laid all those trees down and tore off half the shingles in town and threw a lot of stuff around and knocked over some buildings, but mercifully brief was that rather small category two to three storm...

Katrina was bigger than Francis... Katrina was stronger than Charlie...

I really don't want to think about combining the forces of two hurricanes I experienced last year and then doubling everything, but I feel like I am a selfish inconsiderate insensitive imbecile to take refuge in my small daily life bubble when there is so much suffering and trauma happening to people I know and so many others who matter just as much as I do in the grand scheme of things...

so I read Tim's email again... and then I closed my eyes and remembered... I cried... I shuddered... I shivered...

sometimes having a good imagination may not be the best thing...

but ultimately I feel more and feeling more is better, even when the feelings are helpless wishes to do more to help more, even when the feelings are profound empathies...

I am blessed to still be very much in touch with my inner child who lets butterflies and dragonflies land on his fingers... I am blessed to be able to feel an extreme of emotions that, when others witness me, get fearful looks or at least looks that shout, "are you nuts?"... I am blessed to be able to find humor in virtually everything...

I am blessed to be safe at home, warm and dry, and realizing this...

there's no humor in me at this moment, but I am blessed to be able to feel what I feel and share it in my own rambling sorta round-about way with you...

I am blessed with hope, a hope that tells me that no matter how many were lost (and no matter how much), we who survive will rebuild, and in time, rebuild with gusto... we will remember some of the experience, as we remember other profound tragedies of the recent past, but we will let our minds find it's survival instincts and focus on the daylight, the passion of those who want to and who dare to help, the fellowship found in facing great challenges together, the people who rise above the storms of greed and selfishness and fear to pull together and help each other rebuild a world...

I am blessed to be a happy idiot who can continue struggling for the legal tender on my small scale and find happiness in the moment...

especially now...

I wish you your own happy bubble to live in, not just as an escape, but as a comfort zone that surrounds you all the moment of your daily life... I wish you peace and comfort and safety and love, much love in your home bubble... everyone deserves that, especially you, dear readers...

I also wish you the strength to look beyond your daily life, to step out of your bubble and feel the whole of what is going on in the larger world beyond your physical spaces...

especially now...

I wish you the strength to reach out and touch someone in Alabama, someone in Louisiana, someone in Mississippi...

you can do it...

one thing you can do is search (and browse) for diaries, blogs, and journals of people from Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky, and even just a search like this one (blog journal diary +"Hurricane Katrina" +concern +help) at your favorite search engine... then leave some caring words...


you can search Diaryland for any city right here... even if they have no power, think of how good you might feel if you found lots of caring notes or comments from strangers when your power came back and you checked your diary... do the same on other sites that host personal diaries, journals, and blogs...

I'm going to leave notes now...

blessed that I can.

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)