"Fear is death, fear is sin, fear is hell, fear is unrighteousness, fear is wrong life. All the negative thoughts and ideas that are in the world have proceeded from this evil spirit of fear." ~ Swami Vivekananda

the closer I am to my core, the more I believe that the Swami spoke the truth� and I ask myself what fear keeps me from finding what I am looking for� for certainly my aloneness is my responsibility as we each create our own reality� I could find someone to be with, and yet, I wonder, can I produce someone who truly shares my wavelength, who truly understands my perspective and essence so we could truly feel we are not alone?� surely fates or randomness plays a part� and yet, I wonder still deeper, if everything that happens to me is a reaction to what I do, to the energy I send out�

the difference in belief, whether everything comes from within the life force inside each cell or whether everything comes from some higher power, that is the crux of the question that plays with my synapses tonight� and while most of the time I will tell myself, what does it matter as I am comfortable with accepting not knowing what I can not know, there is a deeper thread to the question�

whatever is real, whichever answer is true (or true-er), the fact remains that if one is true, if the life force initiates from within, if I am in control of my own life, then I shirk my responsibility by letting myself wait, by going along with the flow and not taking initiatives, making changes, and actively reaching out to more people to find out if some truly can share me and themselves as I do�

the irony goes still further as we follow this thread, for if I accept the self-determination path then that may seem to discard the higher power path and yet, the stories about higher powers hold characters that reflect the kind of awareness, truth, and love that I know as my perspective at the core of my being�

it could be that this is what these heroes of ancient literature and holy texts knew, that self-determination is the purpose and meaning if this life and yet, finding the vast majority of people not ready to take on such an individual responsibility, these heroes decided that the only way to convey the message of peace and love and the goodness of heart energy was to nurture the existing beliefs that people should emulate a higher power�

that at least until they were ready to take the responsibility for their being on their own, to believe they owed it to some higher power (that might be angry and hurt them or abandon them if they did not strive to emulate the awareness and enlightened energy we call love) to do their best to be good people�

but that seems so childish and always seems to backfire as the individual no longer feels the full responsibility for their actions and therefore can slack or even do whatever they please believing some higher power will clean up their mess�

believing in a higher power is not the fault I see in humanity per say... it is believing that this higher power will fix everything no matter what so it doesn't really matter all that much if we destroy the world or poison ourselves or kill each other over property and ideologies�

whichever is the ultimate truth, that God made everything and we're his pawns or that what we know as life and consciousness is an evolutionary process, it is disrespectful to the life force we contain (whether it's given by God or not) to ignore what we know is right in our hearts� and for those who believe in God, it is disrespectful to Him�

I ponder this tonight realizing that there are many people in this world who believe in God and yet, believe they have a special connection, a door that only they can pass through and everyone else is kept out� this exclusive club mentality has been the bane of every truly enlightened person, be he or she viewed as a holy spirit or as an intellectual genius� for the whole concept of there being one exclusive path to heaven condemns every other possible path to hell�

and we loop round and round trying to explain how and why it became so confusing, so problematic, so complicated to commune with the positive energy we call love and claim resides in our hearts� but even if we knew exactly when and how and why we, as a species, became so afraid of love that we shun it, are suspicious of it, and even condemn it in most of it's forms, could we turn back the clock sufficiently to erase all the damage done, heal and accept all the scars, and forgive ourselves for the foolish divisions we created on the path to the enlightenment of the energy we call peace and love�

and there are times when I believe we are born in touch with this awareness in an instinctive form, which makes it all the more foolish that we claim to strive for it all through our lives� would it not be considered a form of abuse to the infant to force him or her to repress the instinct to love and trust merely because we are so afraid to do it? (or just too busy to nurture it?)�

consider this � what if each child is born in touch with an instinctive ability to grasp, or at least be open to enlightenment or what some call God's love� is it the responsibility of that child to be strong enough to oppose and not buy into the fears and narrow paths that his or her parents and other children and other elders take and teach?� and how alone would that child be if he or she actually survived in opposition to the status quo�

if he or she spoke out too much, a label of trouble-maker or deviant would surely be slapped on him or her and in this modern world, drugs would most likely be administered� to remain open to the infinite energy of love and the trust as if one with the universe and God (not to mention not to fear death or living life to it's fullest, for that matter) might just alienate all those who live in fear guided by strict rules that prohibit open displays of trust or love�

he or she, under certain circumstances, might even be put to death in some manner, whether by peer pressure in a schoolyard or formal adjudication by legal authorities�

Jesus, does any of this make sense to you?�

whether I just blasphemed or asked a question depends on your perspective and some assumption or mind reading on your part� I'll just continue along amused at myself and let you decide for yourself how you want to read me� after all, this has been quite a heavy entry so far and I wouldn't want to completely lose myself in the pondering of my own navel, or the infinite universe, for that matter�

so to conclude tonight's ponderings I close with more of my thoughts on God and gods and holiness and spirituality and remember "that I am, that I seek, that I love..." I believe that quote came from Katherine as the words were directly above the link the that page� I find a comfortable read over her place�

I believe in an all inclusive love and an all inclusive spiritual way� it's a rather solitary path in this world of rules and restrictions and rights and wrongs, but if I pretend to belief in another way just to fit in or belong with others then I would not actually be sharing myself and feel not just more alone, but a faithless hypocrite� I could sit here and pretend I talk to some enlightened being, some higher power who understands and fulfills me, but it would just be me sitting here talking to myself�

which is often what I am doing here, I suppose...

still, I post my words always hoping someone understands and I am not the only being in the universe who believes in an all inclusive love and I comfort myself with that possibility (and the hope that someone who understands comes to share this life someday)� I do my best to express it (we might call it my holy way I suppose) without offending anyone, but it is not always easy to express all inclusive love in a world where most believe in holy exclusivity and narrow paths to spiritual enlightenment�

ultimately, intellect and reasoning may lead to enlightenment and verbal expression of awareness which may lead to some timeless sharing of the holiness of existence in the positive energy of the eternal infinite (universe, quiniverse, omniverse, whatever), but our massive brains are not a requirement for spiritual holiness as I perceive and believe in it...

the essence of true love is in any life that remains open to it for it comes from within... from the smallest seed to the tallest tree, from the single cell to the largest organism, from the grain of sand to the highest mountain, tiniest particle to the whole of everything that exists, it is a stream of energy that is the source of existence, of life, of love...

and may we all know and acknowledge that we are sharing it...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)