I sit awake alone and wonder why I do this to myself, why I work, well to make money (even when it is not funny), why I stay awake so long, when it creates weak from strong, well because it would be wrong to miss out on life and living freely loving where I am and still belong...

so I ramble on now because I am awake and alone and seek to remain awake because I am doing laundry and cleaning (in between bits of rambling, see, the rambling rejuvenates my mind to keep me more awake, at least that is the theory and the way it seems, but after all it said and done the work the fun and everything and everyone, all I may be living may be dreams)...

I work tonight and tomorrow (I forgot I have some training to attend all day tomorrow) so my plan to sleep today and then do laundry and clean tomorrow fell through the holes in my brain (cuz I forgot where I put them) and so I must stay awake long into my sleep time (my night is your day, sometimes, but somewhere in the world, my day is your day too, even though it's dark here then, but that's besides the point, as usual, after all, and all that jazz too) to clean up the mess that three weeks (or is it four?) of not doing laundry or cleaning up makes (after all, I am going on my fifteenth day in a row at work, during your fifteen nights, of course)...

I have been over-eating madly lately and in the last twelve hours, I've been drinking code red like it was going out of style because I have not slept much in the last few days and working fifteen in a row (but I mentioned that already, so you know and also repetition is a sure sign of fatigue syndrome, which is when fatigue becomes a syndrome or something like that because it infects the mind like some sort of disease that some find quite humorous, but then again, so is madness to the mad)...

the over-eating is another sure sign of fatigue syndrome as my brain craves sleep and instead of sleep, I give it excess sugar and fat so the body can be fooled into believing it's day when it's night (or vice verse, depending on perspective and what part of the world you live in, or on, maybe) and stay awake longer than is humanly sane...

but the side effect is fat and I am as fat as I've ever been right now at this moment, which is an interesting phenomenon I hope to discontinue as soon as possible because it feels like shit and besides, it is an ugly feeling of human waste and the world has enough human waste (and humans who waste the world) and I would rather die than become one of them, human wasters, that is...

another side effect might be that I actually catch up on this diary and if just one of you out there cheer then it's all worthwhile (even for my insatiable ego, though ego would like screaming throngs like the Beatles had, especially if there was a partner or few with whom to share the creative madness and experience, but that's besides the point and a fantasy nobody seems to want to share with me, like most of my grand fantasies, alas and all)...

another fantasy is... wait, this entry was not meant to be about fantasies, after all, this is the daily life in black and white (no frills, even, though babbling is allowed)... and side effects are side effects, besides the point, even... so where were we going when we were so rudely interupted by my distracted and excessively fatigue, but fooled by massive doses of sugar, caffeine, and fat, mind?...

I reach for limits of endurance and stamina and medness (and madness too) that I have not reached for in some years (and older now, I wonder if it will be too much for my heart and brain, but that is what life is about, knowing that death could come at any moment and rather than fearing such a fact, embracing the moment and making to most of it, even if the most that can be made is clean clothes, some CD copies, a more uncluttered living space, some occasional TV distraction {The Outer Limits, please stand by}, and this babbling meandering through the blithering blather of my mind)...

I must rise from the big green chair to fold clothes for a moment...

and after continuing the wash and switching out CDs and grabbing another slice of cold pizza and some more Code Red bzzzzzzzzzzting! (I am beginning to feel like Pinky and the Brain... yes, both... Wacko might not be too far behind, but he's a bit more laid back and I am a bit more wired), I return to continue the solitary process of sharing with you (oxymoron?... incongruous concept?... humor?... eye of the beholder?... no, that, I believe, is an old Twilight Zone, though I may be mistaken... there are holes in my memory, after all, as I started to explain in part before)...

I've been writing emails lately... after years of avoiding the personal sharing of written words mostly due to my belief that we can only know what we believe (and what we believe may be beautiful and worthwhile), though not enough of what is real, if all we ever share are written words mostly due to the profound abuses of trust and good nature that occurred during the years of my devout worhip of the written word as the most sacred way to share (maybe it still is, but not for me at the moment)... someone finally found the secret code combination to turn on my correspondent once again... basically, as I've kind of said all along, she started in the flesh, in person, eye to eye and smile to smile...

this is why you've seen a lot fewer words from me in the past week or so and why my usual catch up has not happened yet...

and I shall visit the new friend who inspired correspondence this weekend in order to get to know her better, meet her friends and family, and have fun... that may (or may not) delay the inevitible catch-up a bit longer, or longer than a bit, even...

I wondered, for at least a moment, if my time of daily diary-ing online was coming to an end or at least going to drastically change... but here we are, rambling away in lieu of sleep and there's the rub, the swiss cheese memory forgot that everybody sleeps and there's always time when others sleep for my rambling since I have probably slept less in this life than anyone who ever lived (of course I have no proof for this hypothetic claim, but how many times have you stayed awake for three or four or more days?... I've lost count in the hundreds, at least)...

maybe I really am an alien from that planet where days are 42 Earth hours and weeks are 10 Earth days and the fantasy is this life I call real time on this planet...

the brain is an amazing experience...

I also promised I would respond and I do my best not to break a promise no matter how much time goes by (you must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss, a smile is just a smile... but who truly actualizes the fundamental things anymore?... unconditional love and trust... lost illusions given up to the commercial material greed of modern society, but once again we digress) as my devotion to my first love and all the loves I've known before (sing it Willie) demonstrates to anyone who comes to know me (the rest of you will just have to take our word for it, or read about it in the gardens of the outer limits of our imagination (no wait, that's the TV), I mean the gardens of Gesthemene (no wait, that's another story about another guy), I mean the gardens of the written, the written gardens, please stand by...

ok, another CD burns, another load is in the washer, more clean clothes are put away, and I am the better zombie for it... or at least the cleaner and more prepared zombie... prepared for what, exactly, remains to be seen, but yes, the process continues and so do I, so the process continues... and so on...

I suppose I might be wiser to actually get some good sleep before going to spend a weekend with a brand new friend and friends of friend and family as I might scare little children by bouncing off walls (or occasionally sticking like silly putty as I turn into a kind of ball of goo due to sleep deprivation), but then, wisdom was never my best suit... I think my best suit was Hugo Boos, or some unbelievably exclusive Italian designer, not wisdom... in fact, I am not so sure wisdom even makes suits, except maybe the original birthday suit, proverbial and all, but then, some say that wisdom had nothing to do with that... but then, we were not supposed to have that knowledge though, or so the story goes...

and I suppose I might have taken the time to write a half dozen or more entries today and had a proper catch-up session, but that didn't happen yet and I'm wondering just how long this sleeplessness can last before total and complete shut down of all reasonably necessary physical faculties...

and the excitement continues to build...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)