so what happened was I wrote the last entry and decided to check notes and get a little more serious and found wonderful words left for me and after beaming around the universe for a little while basking in the joy and pleasure of feeling special and loved and worthy of the words left for me, I came back down to Earth and reached for a response long overdue (ever appreciating honest gentle reminders, firm as they need to be) and started explaining to one of my favorite online people (yeah you too) that (this is where I started sighing and started writing the note that disappeared) I looked for a certain song in the library but alas, the library does not have the CD and I stopped to look at it the last time I was in a CD emporium but used all my will power to continue abstaining from buying the CD because I am an addict and I am not ready to attempt to control it and if I buy one I'll probably go on the CD buying diet (passing up meals to buy more CDs) and as much as I could afford to lose a few pounds, it's not the wisest thing for me to do at this point in time and space so I sighed deeply and put the CD back in the rack and moved along away from the aisles of music and videos... the note that disappeared was a whole lot more emotionally draining to write, having been the first real expression of the realization that I have so accepted this abstinence from musical purchases that I've forgotten much of the me that is music (and consumer, for that matter) and we don't want to go there just now because I don't have a week off to mourne the loss and go through the cathartic healing and rebuilding and rebirthing process...

so I decided to at least find the lyrics to the song on the web and went to my favorite search engine (cuz it's so quick and unadorned with heavy graphics and stuff that would clog up this laptop) and put in the word "Keane" (I think at least one of you will probably be amused at the links below)... and so I clicked on the website that popped up and should have known that the laptop already had too many windows open (and the website had a flash file that brought on the following replacement note for the note that disappeared):

I should have sent the note I left in midstream, but I walked away and when I returned, the little laptop that could, couldn't and frozen, all I could do was reboot... when a screen locks up I think they call it freezing because it feels so very cold... to lose what was not saved... anyway... rather than write a long and scrolling note here, I shall write an entry about my adventure for you*

anyway, I wandered over to the desktop computer that can handle larger pages (not much, but some) and found myself listening to the song... and a couple of other songs... and wow...

yeah, wow...

I love the words and the song<--(that's an audio stream) and the sound of the group... while I am not so different that the way to my heart may still be through my stomach (or to be more precise, taste buds and more seriously, the way is much more easily found through my eyes and ears), the way to whatever passes for a soul in me, the way to my core is music, especially words and music... share with me a song (or better yet, a musician) that becomes part of my inner musical library and the soundtrack of my life and you've touched me in a way that will last forever (at least in me)...

it was an adventure to wander through the links below (since the search pulled up a whole lot more than just the band site) and you already know how much I love browsing and learning about stuff (and music, don't forget music)... and then to actually get the desktop computer to download (or at least stream-load) and play the song (and two others) I was looking for was excitement I did not expect to find tonight (and to think I resorted to lusting over teenagers and cartoons earlier... everyone make throat-clearing sounds now)... the giggly giddiness of how far can I take this easily gave way to a real sense of connection that songs bring... ever since I was a little candoor I was able to listen to songs (or the radio or TV or any experience, but we won't get into the metaphysical cosmic relationships just now) as if they were passing through my sensory space at the precise moment they were supposed to just for me... it's magic, if you let it be...

so I am feeling the reminder that comes from deep within my own selfish desires to respond more personally and privately to the people who have inspired me personally and privately (and not be the standoffish allof clown-prince-fool I can play in this world ever since I was crushed for the first time {and time after time again} by the betrayal of trust and the cruelty of frightened people)... I don't have to hide out in public prose and mundane daily vegetation... it's not some deep rooted psychological subconscious wall I am not aware of and have no way or power to climb... it's just a lazy habit that is easier than facing the fear of rejection and further abuses and insensitivities and insecurities and possessivenesses and other quirks and qualms that seem an integral part of humanity at present... dang, am I back to telling secrets again? (can you tell the difference between a smirk and a snicker as easily as you can differentiate between a giggle and a guffaw?)...

so how do I shout out yet another thank you to yet another perfectly wonderfully timed inspirational nudge in the right direction without running right past the last shout out... it seems sadly obvious to me that I ramble on too much for the vast majority of people who pop into this webspace to actually keep up with whatever it is I am rambling on about and it's not that I want to be famous (much, huh?), it's that I want some of the words I write to be read and understood by everyone everywhere cuz I think some of the things I say are worth everyone knowning, especially when I am talking about some of you beautiful people out there... I mean, have you seen my notes?... and that's just what's out there... it's flabbergasting... it's almost overwhelming to my modesty (I've got some, really, somewhere under all the false bravado... I just scoff it off real good ya know)... and my humility is all a titter...

I guess I am trying to say that I understanhd how it feels to look at words of praise and wonder if they are really meant for me... if I really do deserve them... I know what it is like to read some words describing some wonderful person and wonder, "is that really meant to describe me?"... as Goofy would say, gawrsh... well, I may not be quite a humble as good 'ol Gomer Pyle, but you sure do have me thinking golllly quite often these days... and it's the sweetest dorkiest most awkwardly comfortable feeling I can ever hope for short of falling in love with a true-love in the flesh soulmate all over again... it's good old fashioned mushy corny feeling... corn, why the corn is as high as an elephant's eye and all I can say is for the moment is may each day of your life be a good day and I wish you peace...



and this is where I wandered this week...
and this is where I wandered this week...
and this is where I wandered this week...
and this is where I wandered this week...
and this is where I wandered this week...
and this is where I wandered this week...
and this is where I wandered this week (audio stream)...




* (an editorial note for those of us who are sticklers for detail, this would be candora's conversation, but I decided that since this story would be long and rambling and probably not very rhymey or poetical, it belonged here)...