LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
WHITE



last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
(how far are we from censorship?)

ONE. . . WHY
(find your social conscience)

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o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

o O ( AND COMING SOON! ) O o

ABOUT ZOOPLA

o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o


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o O ( SOCIAL CONCERNS ) O o

HELP THE RED CROSS
MESSAGES FROM MISSISSIPPI
BLOG FOR RELIEF
NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL

(MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL)
(INCLUDING LIVE CAM AND PHOTOS)

HELP AND BE HELPED
HURRICANE HOUSING
LINKS TO HELP
IMAGES FOR HISTORY
New Orleans News
Buloxi News
THE FAILURE


FREE SPEECH
(tell them what you think)

The White House
(202) 456-1111

Senate and Congress
(202) 224-3121

YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHTS
USE THEM





FAT MAN WALKING
BLOGATHON!
INDEX BEGIN
FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2003-09-26 - 8:30 a.m.

beam me up, Scotty


ok, it may be time to explore the thoughts rambling through my head like a herd of stampeeding buffalo, a swarm of agitated bees, and a school of hungry shark, and probably some massive amount of alien creatures who are busy beyond believability and most likely hold the secret to my actual origin... all at once... no wonder there's no handle on this mind, it has no walls or doors or road maps... just a maze of signals going in what appear to be haphazard directions (and do i still believe there is a method to my madness?... it would be nice)... ok, let's get on with it...

it was 1992 and I was living the life of Riley (to coin a very old phrase) in my mostly dream home and gleefully enjoying the second year of my early retirement (obviously it did not quite last as I am poor and back to being and everyday working stiff again)... life was music and writing and video and dancing and running and mostly more fun than humans are generally allowed to have... but I was lonely...

an adorable girl moved in as a kid sister and she brought wonderfulness to life, but being a kid sister I was still lonely for romance and intimacy and partnership and soulmating and that one on one relationship stuff...

another adorable girl came from out west to fall in love and we did, briefly... more wonderfulness, including the intimacy, passion, and details and activities in which kid sisters generally do not partake... but alas, the other adorable girl and I were going in different directions in life and we parted company... so I was still lonely...

I wrote a few dozen letters a week back then, correspondence being one of my favorite activities... the girl in the previous paragraph came to me through correspondence... others did as well, to be visitors, friends, and occasionally some strange explosive experience that words would have trouble explaining... sometimes written sharings do not translate into physical world sharings very well... still, I miss some of my pen friends as much as most of those I've known in the physical world...

anyway, I had a best friend through correspondence who hung in there with me through all the agonies and ecstasies and fun of that period... she always new just what to say (especially how to stroke my ego, touch my heart, and play with me through words)... I adopted her and her four kids through words over the years... and then in 1995 I suddenly found out she was available and not just available, but might even be in love with me and not just that, but most importantly she and her kids needed help...

since I wasn't doing anything with my life at that point other than having too much fun and acting with reckless abandon (read: way too irresponsible with funds, including the usual for me, giving way too much away), I decided to grab whatever cash I had left and leave the Florida life (and house and bills and good credit and good sense, for that matter) behind and move up to Toronto to find them a place (because that's where she wanted to live) and help them through major life changes...

almost instantly the kids and I were family (or so it seemed to me) and yes, that best friend appeared to fall in love with me and I felt like I had always been in love with her and we should have lived happily ever after, but this is real life, remember?...

some bumps, mudslides, a few rocks, and the wildest emotional ride of this life so far (and a few moments got rather ugly) later, it is 1997 and I am on the streets of Buffalo in February with $4 in my pocket and the clothes on my back (which were not warm as I was on a plane expecting to return to Toronto)... due to some immigration laws way too complex to explain here, I was not allowed back into Canada (not without a hefty fee, like $50,000, that I no longer could come up with cuz everything was spent and I was the stay-at-home parent with no income or savings... unconditional trust is a very dangerous place... and to think women have been in that position all through the millenia)... my dear best friend chickened out on commitment and without that legal paper (marriage), Canada said I was living there illegally... can we spell devastated?...

she wouldn't let go, she wouldn't commit... I borrowed money from the people who adopted me as a younger child and sent every penny up to her to help take care of the kids except for the hundreds (thousands?) I spent on daily phone calls and one calamity after another... I am not sure now how many of the crisis situations actually happened... cancer, broken bones, legal troubles, prom dresses, kids in need, probably some I forget (loss of memeory may appear to be a blessing, but forgotten events that are left unresolved haunt and eat away at the life force and destroy hope and faith and trust, but I may be digressing... or ranting?)... that life of desperation went on for a couple of years with me starting out on the streets (first in Florida, where I ran too that February to have a warm climate and then back in Buffalo when she asked me to come up because she would meet me and marry me and resolve the immigration snafu) and then working at whatever jobs I could find to survive while waiting for her to make up her mind and follow through on her words... meanwhile, there were some gaps and inconsistencies... she moved and disappeared a couple of times... during these silences, the car I left up there with her and all the vital documents that makes a life legal disappeared somehow... the dog I left with her somehow got sick and had to be put to sleep... she supposedly fell in love with another man who rudely (and cruelly) told me to fuck off... and so did she... and yet, she always reconnected when she had another crisis story to tell me that ended in needing more money... but the kids were my kids. are my kids in my heart and mind, so I sent what I could...

rebuilding a life is challenging enough from that point... the concrete is cold and ungiving... eating in soup kitchens and sleeping in parks, homeless shelters, or a car is depressing and demoralizing... but while the financial issues were mountains (made bigger by the fact that so many vital documents left in her care were somehow lost), the emotional and psychological issues were galaxies far far away and in my frantic state I felt like I travelled back in time to when space travel was not possible... in other words, resolution and closure were virtually impossible... time to give up, throw in the towel, kick the bucket...

instead, I just kept kicking the can... wandering around these last few years, I heard from her a couple of times... a couple of years ago an email comes from out of the blue... I fall again, on paper of course (fool that I am, most would say), and just as suddenly she disappeared without a trace... not being able to go to Canada to search (having been detained and strip searched on both sides of the border for trying) and not being sure if anything she's ever told me was true, I wallowed in my self-pity and succumbed to doubting my own judgment... the child inside was put to bed and there I played, hidden, alone, and relating very much to the popular phrase trust no one, except I did not have a partner like Scully and Mulder to keep me company and believe in me... I sought solace and companionship online and found a family who adopted me (in fact, I have a date to give my daughter away {wedding} the last week in October... I supposed I need to buy clothes to wear for that)... but except for her who was willing to chase me, grab on, and put up with much emotional distance, real bonding was not happening... I wrote in my written gardens, in my journals... I mostly gave up correspondence and phone calls and and trusting people and living as I knew living...

somewhere in 2000 I returned to Florida which was a tangible move towards giving up on my dreams, my hopes, and my primary reason for living... I made a few new friends, though closeness is transitory here, and attempted trust again... and just as I was starting over and taking my first steps back toward music and career and trust and life, at someone's invitation too the leap of faith to trust, January 2001 happened... suddenly I was out on the street again and the things I had brought down with me from storage (many thousands of dollars with of equipment, clothes, and stuff) was basically stolen by the person who convinced me to trust her... she knew what happened in Toronto, she promised she'd never do such a thing... and I suppose she kept her promise... she had her brothers do the dirty work... the question can anyone be trusted? remains unanswered for me...

so these last couple of years I have been mostly a hermit... going to work at nights, only two or three people I would call friend who are about as socially active as I am, maybe less at times, and not very motivating for me personally (though good people and friends who have jumped in the car to help when necessary, we do not share intimacies or creative interests, so again, I am lonely... danger always seems to follow that word for me)...

the remnants of the past lives I've lived (and lived well) are in storage 1600+ miles away (and I don't have the cash to move it down here)... music remains whatever the library has to offer in a given month... temporary, transitory, and mostly superficial... if someone walked into my life right now and had the right attributes, I'd probably do whatever they wanted because I have given up caring about what might happen tomorrow or worrying about what sort of pain or torture might be involved... but no one who fits the bill I have still posted in my mind like an ancient wanted poster approaches... few actively walk into a minefield... fewer still can survive (can you run a marathon with me?)... fewest still are wanted to... I have dealt with the loss of trust in my own judgment by narrowing the criteria I seek in an acceptible intimate to such a fine line, most probably could not even see it, no less meet it... and I wonder which is more foolish, the wide open door or the incredibly selective maze (with the wide open door at the end of it)... anyway, this story has been related to you today for a reason...

remember that correspondent turned best friend turned family turned lover turned soulmate turned user turned abuser turned betrayer - all the while being a frightened little girl who posed as desperately needing my support, faith, and trust?... the one with the four kids who were, are, and always will be mine in my heart?... the one who turned the nineties into the wildest emotional roller coaster ride I could have imagined?... you know, the one from Toronto?...

now you remember that email I mentioned in the last couple of entries?... well, this particular two plus two is coming up with four... and I am doing my best no to be dumbfounded (or seduced) or negative... I think I am doing my best to feel nothing, expect nothing, judge nothing, and basically risk nothing... if that is possible...

that is what has been on my mind the last couple of days... where the buffalo roam... the bees make honey, the bees sting... one flew over the cuckoo's nest... sharks may be the ultimate survivors... I think I am ready to be beamed up now...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




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.

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.

the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

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. . .

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AND WHATDYA MISS?
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soundtrack
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202 Things
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(where the heart dreams)

and now, in RealTime�

DO ME!
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SOAP!

(EPISODE ONE)
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loving linkers
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A Diaryland Survey
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tell others
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get your own!

saturn rings and other places
googlisms
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where've ya been?
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favorites

911
HEY AMERICA!
LOOK AT YOUR CHILD
STOP THE ABUSE

(GET THE CODE)

THOUGHTS ON GOD

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