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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-11-15 - 5:09 p.m.

it's your birthday and I'm unfukd


birthdays, like daily life, are kind of random events for me, especially during the alone time (time without a partner in life) as I usually turn off my memory as much as possible (allowing that some memory is necessary if I am to function independently in this culture and not become that guy who had a ten second memory brain in that movie 50 First Dates... I don't recall his name... see what I mean?)...

this usually means that very important people (yes, vips) in my world do not get shout outs here when it's their birthdays (and you know who you are and I love you for accepting me as I am)... the moment is where I live and if I find the information that your birthday is within the moment (a moment being anywhere from now until then, which is not again), well, you get this shout out... one day I will achieve the greatness of having a calendar with dates marked off for all the people I know and then, hopefully I'll remember where I put the calendar cuz I never look at a calendar in my ordinary routine...

so Happy Birthday to you too...

Happy Birthday to you...

Happy Birthday dear old friends

(and new)...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! J



these thoughts of birthdays come to mind because this entry was started right around the fifteenth day of November and in spite of the off status of my memory, I almost always remember something right about now...

first, a little background...

two of the first most important people in this life, a boy and a girl, came into my life in high school... one became my first long term girlfriend (she was the girl, the master of understating the obvious for fun and amusement points out)... one January twenty-eighth we celebrated a one year anniversary by filling my room with paper stuffing that came out of 35 boxes in boxes, that is, one box inside another box inside another box and so on, 35 times... yes, the first box was ginormous... I used to have slides of the each box being opened but the slide projector with the slides, along with a white gold blue sapphire ring I treasured (that she gave me on another occasion) was stolen from my sixth floor walk-up on East Fourth Street in Manhattan the ultimate gift inside was a gold teardrop locket... I was rather romantic as a high schooler... we came in second to two seniors for class couple, as I recall... they were football star and cheerleader... we were just popular for being us and so in love... though she was a twirler (and boy could she twirl)...

ahem...

the other (the boy) was my best friend through the second half of high school who's house was where the artsy people (drama, band, chorus, and so on) had all our parties (we had them several times a month and they were the hottest party ticket in school, especially for the artsy crowd and those who wanted to hob-nob with the famous)... these parties were a highlight of many a high school career and we'd always have an interesting group at breakfast the next morning when we finally woke up... his mom, who is easily one of the greatest moms ever to live, made a full scale multi-course breakfast for anyone who passed out (err, fell asleep) down in the big basement where the last of the party always ended up... and his house was where I happened to live a lot through much of high school and I'd be on the phone many a Thursday night calling people to invite them to the party...

both of their birthdays are November 15th (same year even) and here it is a few days after that (though this entry might well be uploaded on the date it should have been, according to calendar protocols in diaryland time which would give it the illusion of having been uploaded on the actual date real time, where I hear most people still live)...

as most of you know, I seldom live in real time when I am alone (without a life partner) because I don't have to and real time is quite lonely when I am alone (without life partner) in spite of who else is around or what is shared... I've already said that, didn't I?... nothing like rubbing it in to myself, huh?... ah, but I love the ability I have to subconsciously let my mind shut down memory or open up memory so I can relive moments in real time without conscious recall (which is most fun when I am not alone, but also fun alone too) or relive moments in the past when I am alone and have nothing better to do...

like favorite old movies, a catharsis every time...

it makes sense in my head, and unless you want to come live in my head it's ok if it doesn't completely make sense to you... I think most people have to experience what I mean about time and memory manipulation to believe it actually can and does happen...

anyway, this weekend, I will (hopefully) attempt to get the laptop running long enough to find their addresses (I refer to the two people from my high school life who are two of the most important people of my high school life and remain two of the most influential people in my memories and yes, we are still in touch and yes, that is nice) and send them some home-made belated birthday greetings...

I didn't...

I mean I didn't get to the laptop to find their addresses to send them a Happy Birthday email... see what I mean? (it proves at least one of the points I was making way back when I started this entry... anyway, they know I love them and wish them the best and now, on with the rest of the entry that's been in progress for weeks...

so far we've been remembering birthdays and remembering romance (sigh and all) and that leads us to remembering great sex... a natural segue, I'm sure... so what is all this about being unfukd...

some of you might be wondering just what I mean by that...

well, I resisted and resisted (and revisited too) and still (as of this moment of this writing) have not actually come out of the closet to join the unfukd, probably cuz I am so shy and secretive and embarrassed about exposing my personal life {am I mocking myself again?} or more seriously maybe cuz I've not been in a writing mood and I've never joined a community site when I've not been in a writing mood and I don't think I've joined any community sites here at DLand yet and have not participated in one in years mostly because I don't feel up to par for myself so it would be a precedent and I like to be thinking clearly when I set a precedent in my life and I haven't actually been thinking clearly in years, I think, though I am not sure because I do not think I've been thinking clearly in the past week or so and that goes for right now at the moment of this writing too), but this (in one of the word files) came out anyway...

I wrote this email to the creator of unfukd in an attempt to praise her and inspire her to beg me to join (oh, did I do that?)... actually, to be more acceptibly serious, she asked a question that I had an answer for and that gave me a good reason to send an email and this is that email:

Hi BM (hmmm, that euphemism for BlueMeany is definitely not one I'd use in public much :)

here are more euphemisms for masturbate than I've ever thought of...

I'm in denial about belonging to unfukd... one of these days when I have time and feel like facing myself and my current loneliness in the physical world, I just might get a post in the diary... if I'm allowed, I mean...

in searching my diary for the link above, I found much confession and self-indulgence (lifestory1) but the link was actually tucked away in an entry of far more sophistication (a little behind) as I was trying to explain why I needed a bit of a break during Blogathon 2005

anyway, thanks for coming up with an idea so good it hurts...

and I hope you get home safe and soon...

ric

it's become excrutiatingly obvious to me that I've had a lot of little behinds on my mind in recent weeks... I just thought I'd point that out to anyone who's missed all the subtle-as-a-brick-to-the-temple references and links to photos of little behinds that have popped up in my pants, err, I mean entries of late...

but that's besides the point (I think)...

in case you don't know, BlueMeany is over in Iraq as I this writing and her husband is back in the US so she's got a really great excuse for her being on unfukd status (though to her credit as well since my recollection of my army days is that casual sex was almost as available as drugs... but then, that was a while back so maybe things have changed in the military and maybe they've gotten more prim and proper what with the last couple of commander and chiefs and all)...

anyway, as for me, my unfukd status comes about mostly out of choice, pickiness, in fact... yes, I am so extremely selective in where I put my penis that I don't put it anywhere at the moment...

fruit doesn't count...

nor do these...

in all seriousness (since none of you are likely to buy me one anytime soon), money can't buy me love... I know, I had money, lots of money, and all I got was taken to the cleaners a few times by words of love so warm and tender that turned out to be lies of love so mean and cruel, but that's another story for another entry... what I am getting at here is the fact that I have been celibate for mumble years...

what was that?...

wait, I'm counting

except for sleeping naked a few times, which I don't count, I do believe (unless I have lost my mind for real and forgot something) the last time I made love was 1997... and I'm not sure I'd call it that since I was kinda numb in 1997... that was the start of this mostly dead period, in case you wondered, and I don't believe in giving a mostly dead carcass to anyone else out of respect for the other person...

put another way, I do not enjoy (one might say I am repulsed by) fat lazy sex... no, this will not become another anti-fat entry and not because I fear more attack by the fat-police who took over Blogathon in 2005... this entry is about pondering my celibacy and realizing how long it's been (which just came as kind of a shock to me) and maybe even asking myself why...

why?...

well, because those good folk at unfukd brought it up, that's why...

but why I am unfukd is where I shall attempt to venture now... ready or not... it relates to my core ethics and principles and that sort of thing, I think... you may recall that honesty without harm is my highest ideal and greatest faith... the word innocence can be used as well to describe my perspective of most things intimate and meaningful in this life (or anywhere)... I have none of the usual moral compunctions about sexuality and believe sharing bodies is a beautiful thing when the people in the bodies are sharing freely and without manipulation or ulterior motives... I have much respect for hedonism...

personally, I do not enjoy sharing the body I live in unless it is ready and able to share as I want to share... this means if the muscles are not up to par, like they fatigue too easily or can not support the weight of this body or another's body, then I am distracted by the stupid choices I've made in health habits and do not enjoy the sex... and I am a firm believer in enjoying sex as much as possible...

or more to the point, I do not share sex when I do not enjoy it... horniness can be easily (and more positively, for me) be remedies all by myself (though visual aides are welcome, in case you have any you'd like to share)... another aspect of sex for me is that I do not enjoy separating the sex act from the emotional being I am and I love bonding on every level possible with a sexual partner... being a rather different sort at my core, I find few actually want to get intimate with my emotional roller coaster on any regular basis and I am rarely interested in anyone's body unless they are compatible with my core personality...

though I might make some exceptions for those on unfukd join their happy little pity-party... after all, some of my favorite diarylanders and other folk are already there...

though I wonder if they'll accept me after this entry...

yeah...


HAPPY BIRTHDAY

J Barb and Ray J






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
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