anybody else noticing that comments are extremely slow to load, up and down? (or is that just my computer and connection?... other sites pop right up)... are the DLand servers having troubles again?... or am I just noticing how slow they can be because I am on the desktop more with a DSL connection and other sites are loading so much faster?...

meanwhile, back in my head...

wow, this is amazing... so much platitude, yet so much potential... the web design simpleton in me is in awe of these sort of wordy flash things... and what makes it even more attractive is the reaction from cutething (who may be a bit down on love at the moment) because she makes so much sense too... this exemplifies the reasons (some my brain can not quite put into words) I so adore her mind... for the idealist in me might look at the flash thing and applaud like some wide-eyed believer seemingly secure in blind faith and yet, Alex widdens my eyes even more with challenges to the blind faith that I welcome as they make sense...

she makes me feel like Jack Handy pondering Deep Thoughts...

here are some now:

dang, I wonder off for a day or two and you dig into my psyche (and the best part about you for me is that even when you seem to challenge a fundamental belief in my head, you seem to be supporting another fundamental belief in my head, which means I trust you to pick apart my hypocrisies, my contradictions, my confusions, and my weakest links, but that's just why I read you and has nothing to do with this entry or you, persay, except that this is an example, if this parenthetic aside makes any sense outside of my head)...

the idealistic dreamer in me (who loves John Lennon's Imagine and some Carpenters and Barry Manilow lyrics) loves that video... my whole brain loves your entry... the video truth is so simplistic (and wishing it was all we needed to know does not make it so), yet there is truth...

the surface...

your truths in this entry are my deeper truths as well...

hate the harmful action, not the fear or confusion that causes it, and not the person who is afraid or confused...

hate the cruel situations, not the fear or confusion that creates the situations, not the people who are afraid or confused...

hate the negative situation, not the people who create the situation or the people stuck in it...

but oppose the people who create the situations with knowledge, with education they might understand, and (here's the uncertainty in my thought) with force?...

maybe, when force is required to prevent harm...

the deeper question posed by some part of my mind to the rest of my mind is, when does force used to control another or attempt to change another's way become the same as or worse than the harmful way we seek to change?...

who's brother is who's keeper?...

about now I grab my towel, stick my thumb up in the air, and hope for a ride J

my endless wandering (and wondering, did you catch the typo in the first line of the above pondering... might even say pundering at times, my pondering) did not end there (insert dear-in-headlights stare)... but first, just so you are all caught up and oin the same page, if you did not follow the links in the paragraph preceding the pondering, go read what started all this pondering now...

of course I'll wait...

I just want us to be as close to the same understanding of where I am as we can be cuz that's what this literary sharing is about, I think, sharing the same head-space for as long as the entry lasts... some of these shared head space moments are magic and some are a yawn, some feel like epiphanies and some feel like a waste of time... but to make the most of the moments, we need to get as close to understanding what each of us are thinking as possible... I think...

so hopefully you agreed with the process, if not the thoughts themselves... and now you are ready to follow me through this particular head space that is this entry... as I was saying, my endless wandering did not end there (though if I had to end somewhere, ending at her head space would be a fine end), and I moved on to catch up on a long time inspiration and slide deeper into my self, finding the following advice (which I shared in a note, but was truly first and foremost to myself, advice and a reminder)...

it's about forgiveness, and it starts with self-forgiveness... no one can give it to you or do it for you... this is my personal experience... I find hope in others, I find inspiration and good sense and wisdom and support and lots of great things... but until I forgave myself, I could not find it in myself... I could not believe in myself... I could not trust myself... I could not find myself... and hard as I tried, I could not start again... it's about forgiveness, and it starts with forgiving myself...

I labored (as much as I labor, note the wry smile) over the tenses of the verbs in that note... at first, I wrote in the mostly future tense until I forgive myself, I will not find it in myself... and until I forgive myself, I can not...

maybe it was the can not... you know I do not believe in can't (or can not, for that matter)... I switched pronouns in my head, first to you and then to one, first projecting and then generalizing in the third person plural... I realized that would be cheating and avoiding, so I remained in first person and switched to the present tense, but that did not feel right either so I settled in the past tense, mostly... tense and pronouns are an easy distraction, in case you didn't know...

and I realized that the truth may be that I am in the loop, experiencing a time warp, repeating the same mantras and mistakes over again over again and not quite consciously realizing it... I believe I have forgiven myself for past mistakes (which is a minor miracle in and of itself), however I have not actually moved on to a new life... I paused just then before typing life... I as myself if I mean relationship... do I equate relationship with life?... why be alive in these physical forms if not to share the physical world?... perhaps I do, but then, there's more to it... perhaps I do not consider myself moved on because I am notn completely moved on... what am I waiting for?... if I am waiting, that is... maybe I am stuck... and maybe this premise is faulty and I've moved on just fine...

welcome to my nightmare, hope it doesn't scare ya...

familiar?... well, the question at the heart of this loop may be did I truly forgive myself or am I still in the process of self-forgiveness... or worse, have I given up?...

nifty chills at that one, aye?...

well, at least there were nifty chills in my head space... I'd like to know what's happening in yours and that's the main reason I added comments, so feel free to share (and I hope you do)...

so there may be two completely separate and possibly unfinished thoughts already in this particular (becoming perculiar, no doubt) head space already and I drift towrds yet another... whether I climb on to land and enter a different river of thought each time or whether I remain in the river (therein all wet, to mock myself in a venacular of another time) and flow into different channels or pass different forks repeatedly in a time warp loop thing may be more interesting to explore than this entry itself, but we'll leave it for some future metaphysics concert or conference and continue now wherever it will go...

and we find this beautiful woman... oh, to be so blessed with such conversation...

which leads me further deeper into the darkness inside and there I wonder if I have given up the power of words... someone in Toronto might understand what that means in my personal head space and history, but I doubt I could express it well enough to convey it here, at least not now... not on a work night (your afternoon is my night, today) after working fourteen hours today and needing to go back to work tonight (unless I decide to stay up another few hours, at least, and toss good health sense to the winds again by giving up yet another night's sleep and cashing in more chips by depending on caffeine to get me though yet another night...

. o O ( this may be a dream sequence, even though I returned the DVD ) O o .

I left work, calling Rasputin to see if he was home yet, to see if he had eaten yet, to see if he might want to stop at the Chinese buffet for lunch since it was after midday because I worked five hours overtime... he had eaten, but I said I'd probably stop at the buffet for lunch and I thought I would too... I arrived home, realizing I passed the chinese buffet without stopping, wondering where my mind was when I drove by it... I looked for food in the fridge out of habit as much as hunger and found some... then came to write... then found the box of chocolate that I tried to hide far over on the other side of the room and had a pack of Reeses and a Kit-Kat... then returned to write... then craved something more andfound more food and munched as I was typing here... and now we are where we are, pondering drinking the highly caffeinated beverage that's been sitting unopened on the table next to me since the cherry lifesaver incident, which I firmly believe has yet to be finished... all this while absorbing audio and video reminders of a couple of ST:NG episodes I've seen and loved... life in black and white, with minimal details, relatively speaking

a blessing on your head, mazel tov, mazel tov...

what in the world?...

but then, the world is not always enough... sometimes you just have to shoot the moon... and that's all well and good when you have a moon to shooot at, but being in a perennial new-moon phase, at least in recent years, or so it seems, I am moonless in my headspace and am left only to continue taking a shot in the dark... every entry, every word I write, ever time I press the button to upload more words to the web, I take another shot in the dark...

ah, yes, the old message in a bottle trick...

ironic?...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)