LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
WHITE



last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
(how far are we from censorship?)

ONE. . . WHY
(find your social conscience)

Barbara Waters: so candoor, what all this fuss about blogmad?

Candoor: Blogmad? It's better than ever! Get more visitors (or find me in chat there). Register now and tell me for extra credits. VARB?


JOIN OR RE-REGISTER NOW

welcome blogmadians... and the rest of you, while still in beta, you can still join the latest greatest party on the web, blogmad!

SUPPORT BLOGMAD! BUY STUFF



o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

o O ( AND COMING SOON! ) O o

ABOUT ZOOPLA

o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o


blogadvance blogazoo
blogexplosion blogmad?
bloglines


o O ( SOCIAL CONCERNS ) O o

HELP THE RED CROSS
MESSAGES FROM MISSISSIPPI
BLOG FOR RELIEF
NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL

(MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL)
(INCLUDING LIVE CAM AND PHOTOS)

HELP AND BE HELPED
HURRICANE HOUSING
LINKS TO HELP
IMAGES FOR HISTORY
New Orleans News
Buloxi News
THE FAILURE


FREE SPEECH
(tell them what you think)

The White House
(202) 456-1111

Senate and Congress
(202) 224-3121

YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHTS
USE THEM





FAT MAN WALKING
BLOGATHON!
INDEX BEGIN
FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-08-24 - 5:12 p.m.

some sort of a trinity



anybody else noticing that comments are extremely slow to load, up and down? (or is that just my computer and connection?... other sites pop right up)... are the DLand servers having troubles again?... or am I just noticing how slow they can be because I am on the desktop more with a DSL connection and other sites are loading so much faster?...

meanwhile, back in my head...

wow, this is amazing... so much platitude, yet so much potential... the web design simpleton in me is in awe of these sort of wordy flash things... and what makes it even more attractive is the reaction from cutething (who may be a bit down on love at the moment) because she makes so much sense too... this exemplifies the reasons (some my brain can not quite put into words) I so adore her mind... for the idealist in me might look at the flash thing and applaud like some wide-eyed believer seemingly secure in blind faith and yet, Alex widdens my eyes even more with challenges to the blind faith that I welcome as they make sense...

she makes me feel like Jack Handy pondering Deep Thoughts...

here are some now:

dang, I wonder off for a day or two and you dig into my psyche (and the best part about you for me is that even when you seem to challenge a fundamental belief in my head, you seem to be supporting another fundamental belief in my head, which means I trust you to pick apart my hypocrisies, my contradictions, my confusions, and my weakest links, but that's just why I read you and has nothing to do with this entry or you, persay, except that this is an example, if this parenthetic aside makes any sense outside of my head)...

the idealistic dreamer in me (who loves John Lennon's Imagine and some Carpenters and Barry Manilow lyrics) loves that video... my whole brain loves your entry... the video truth is so simplistic (and wishing it was all we needed to know does not make it so), yet there is truth...

the surface...

your truths in this entry are my deeper truths as well...

hate the harmful action, not the fear or confusion that causes it, and not the person who is afraid or confused...

hate the cruel situations, not the fear or confusion that creates the situations, not the people who are afraid or confused...

hate the negative situation, not the people who create the situation or the people stuck in it...

but oppose the people who create the situations with knowledge, with education they might understand, and (here's the uncertainty in my thought) with force?...

maybe, when force is required to prevent harm...

the deeper question posed by some part of my mind to the rest of my mind is, when does force used to control another or attempt to change another's way become the same as or worse than the harmful way we seek to change?...

who's brother is who's keeper?...

about now I grab my towel, stick my thumb up in the air, and hope for a ride J

my endless wandering (and wondering, did you catch the typo in the first line of the above pondering... might even say pundering at times, my pondering) did not end there (insert dear-in-headlights stare)... but first, just so you are all caught up and oin the same page, if you did not follow the links in the paragraph preceding the pondering, go read what started all this pondering now...

. . .

of course I'll wait...

. o O ( staring nonchalantly at the sky ) O o .

I just want us to be as close to the same understanding of where I am as we can be cuz that's what this literary sharing is about, I think, sharing the same head-space for as long as the entry lasts... some of these shared head space moments are magic and some are a yawn, some feel like epiphanies and some feel like a waste of time... but to make the most of the moments, we need to get as close to understanding what each of us are thinking as possible... I think...

so hopefully you agreed with the process, if not the thoughts themselves... and now you are ready to follow me through this particular head space that is this entry... as I was saying, my endless wandering did not end there (though if I had to end somewhere, ending at her head space would be a fine end), and I moved on to catch up on a long time inspiration and slide deeper into my self, finding the following advice (which I shared in a note, but was truly first and foremost to myself, advice and a reminder)...

it's about forgiveness, and it starts with self-forgiveness... no one can give it to you or do it for you... this is my personal experience... I find hope in others, I find inspiration and good sense and wisdom and support and lots of great things... but until I forgave myself, I could not find it in myself... I could not believe in myself... I could not trust myself... I could not find myself... and hard as I tried, I could not start again... it's about forgiveness, and it starts with forgiving myself...

I labored (as much as I labor, note the wry smile) over the tenses of the verbs in that note... at first, I wrote in the mostly future tense until I forgive myself, I will not find it in myself... and until I forgive myself, I can not...

maybe it was the can not... you know I do not believe in can't (or can not, for that matter)... I switched pronouns in my head, first to you and then to one, first projecting and then generalizing in the third person plural... I realized that would be cheating and avoiding, so I remained in first person and switched to the present tense, but that did not feel right either so I settled in the past tense, mostly... tense and pronouns are an easy distraction, in case you didn't know...

and I realized that the truth may be that I am in the loop, experiencing a time warp, repeating the same mantras and mistakes over again over again and not quite consciously realizing it... I believe I have forgiven myself for past mistakes (which is a minor miracle in and of itself), however I have not actually moved on to a new life... I paused just then before typing life... I as myself if I mean relationship... do I equate relationship with life?... why be alive in these physical forms if not to share the physical world?... perhaps I do, but then, there's more to it... perhaps I do not consider myself moved on because I am notn completely moved on... what am I waiting for?... if I am waiting, that is... maybe I am stuck... and maybe this premise is faulty and I've moved on just fine...

welcome to my nightmare, hope it doesn't scare ya...

familiar?... well, the question at the heart of this loop may be did I truly forgive myself or am I still in the process of self-forgiveness... or worse, have I given up?...

nifty chills at that one, aye?...

well, at least there were nifty chills in my head space... I'd like to know what's happening in yours and that's the main reason I added comments, so feel free to share (and I hope you do)...

so there may be two completely separate and possibly unfinished thoughts already in this particular (becoming perculiar, no doubt) head space already and I drift towrds yet another... whether I climb on to land and enter a different river of thought each time or whether I remain in the river (therein all wet, to mock myself in a venacular of another time) and flow into different channels or pass different forks repeatedly in a time warp loop thing may be more interesting to explore than this entry itself, but we'll leave it for some future metaphysics concert or conference and continue now wherever it will go...

and we find this beautiful woman... oh, to be so blessed with such conversation...

which leads me further deeper into the darkness inside and there I wonder if I have given up the power of words... someone in Toronto might understand what that means in my personal head space and history, but I doubt I could express it well enough to convey it here, at least not now... not on a work night (your afternoon is my night, today) after working fourteen hours today and needing to go back to work tonight (unless I decide to stay up another few hours, at least, and toss good health sense to the winds again by giving up yet another night's sleep and cashing in more chips by depending on caffeine to get me though yet another night...

. o O ( this may be a dream sequence, even though I returned the DVD ) O o .

I left work, calling Rasputin to see if he was home yet, to see if he had eaten yet, to see if he might want to stop at the Chinese buffet for lunch since it was after midday because I worked five hours overtime... he had eaten, but I said I'd probably stop at the buffet for lunch and I thought I would too... I arrived home, realizing I passed the chinese buffet without stopping, wondering where my mind was when I drove by it... I looked for food in the fridge out of habit as much as hunger and found some... then came to write... then found the box of chocolate that I tried to hide far over on the other side of the room and had a pack of Reeses and a Kit-Kat... then returned to write... then craved something more andfound more food and munched as I was typing here... and now we are where we are, pondering drinking the highly caffeinated beverage that's been sitting unopened on the table next to me since the cherry lifesaver incident, which I firmly believe has yet to be finished... all this while absorbing audio and video reminders of a couple of ST:NG episodes I've seen and loved... life in black and white, with minimal details, relatively speaking

a blessing on your head, mazel tov, mazel tov...

what in the world?...

but then, the world is not always enough... sometimes you just have to shoot the moon... and that's all well and good when you have a moon to shooot at, but being in a perennial new-moon phase, at least in recent years, or so it seems, I am moonless in my headspace and am left only to continue taking a shot in the dark... every entry, every word I write, ever time I press the button to upload more words to the web, I take another shot in the dark...

ah, yes, the old message in a bottle trick...

ironic?...

to sleep, perhance...

to be continued...







. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




.

.

.

.

.

the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

you know that box to the right on the dland entry page called recent public entries?... what do the asterisks mean?... and the bold?...

. . .

connections

.

.

.

.

AND WHATDYA MISS?
Laughing Lament
stranger brews
once upon a diaryland
babbling through computer concerns
stunningly missing
older still


random chance

who me?

leave a note?
(read archived notes)

send me mail?

you want to know me?
soundtrack
101 Things
The Sequel
The Trilogy
202 Things
200 Things
202 More Things
202 Things Again
testing123
have time, love words?
sleepwriting
(where the heart dreams)

and now, in RealTime�

DO ME!
(Johari Style)


DO ME WRONG!
(but do me right)


SOAP!

(EPISODE ONE)
(the dark side of candoor)


loving linkers
other loves

A Diaryland Survey
other surveys
small world
your profile matters
(search for you & find me)


tell others
read others
applause?
favor?
gift?

get your own!

saturn rings and other places
googlisms
browsing
where've ya been?
the searchers

favorites

911
HEY AMERICA!
LOOK AT YOUR CHILD
STOP THE ABUSE

(GET THE CODE)

THOUGHTS ON GOD

( temporary attractions )


BACK TO #1 @ GOOGLE!

WAS #1 @ MSN!
(for a while, now on page 3 5)




(EXPERIMENTAL PLAYTHINGS)
RSS?



who links here
blogwise
Blogarama
Globe of Blogs
blogthings

~ BLOGLINKERS ~




~ BLOGROLLING ~
(Blogroll RSS)


Blogroll Me!

published
blogadvance
blogazoo
blogexplosion
blogmad?
bloglines



(PREVIOUS TEMPORARY ATTRACTIONS)
TSUNAMI INFO
fantasy sports?
BLOGGIES?
sorry everybody
Orange Blossom Music Festival

Deland Music Festival
MIT Survey

brilliant idea
Celebrate Birthdays
FOR FREEDOM



CONTINUE...
talking dog






SAY HELLO
407-325-1482





and if you want to leave
take good care
hope you make a lot
of true friends out there