I know I ask a lot of you guys... what, you didn't notice?... it really isn't all ego (but please do stroke me all you want, k?)... I'd like to believe I have a lot to offer (it was easier to show that when I had relatively unlimited funds, but I'm still the same person inside {I think, I hope?} and it's the inside that matters)... and I am kind of shy in some ways, or reserved, or deliberately obscure or something like that for some reason... like when I am a few days behind in updating I'll often put the deeper more personal entry amidst others instead of letting it be the last entry I upload (so it might have the most readers)... I ask you to dig if you want to know me, to take the time and make the effort... my way of avoiding intimacy?... or perhaps just my way of stagnating... or testing who can be trusted?... oh, why do I ever have to be so... so... crummy...

trusting is the most valuable thing I've ever felt and I wonder if I do it (or can do it) anymore... it could be just a temporary mood brought on by being alone too long and not having any concrete physical world proof of my ability to actualize unconditional trust as I used to and my worry that I might not be able to (and logic and laughter both confirm this probability, especially since I know that worry is a waste of time), but heck if I can always rise above the blues and blahs and doubts while I've got any proof (not a fun spiral, ya know?)... but anyway, I put myself out here and hope your words of caring will continue and increase and believe in them and keep hoping the physical world will reflect the caring and trust someday soon...

until then, I'll be rambling up and down the ladder of doubts and security I suppose... when i can actually get one of these uploaded, that is...

it could be cuz school is starting up again (or about to) so kids are getting back from summer vacations (and diving into their DLand diaries) and with kids back at school parents are finding more free time (and diving into their DLand diaries) and maybe diaries are part of a school day (which would be a great way to get writing and computers to be fun in a classroom, are you listening teachers?) and which kids are doing that teachers have time (to dive into their DLand diaries), but whatever the reason, the DLand server is choking again so entries here have been staggaring, late, and maybe even somewhat more grumbly than their usual grumbliness...

I am also feeling pressed for time more, partly because I am working more hours lately and partly because the distractions of living with others remain time-absorbers and partly because I have allowed myself to wallow a bit in laziness and ambivalence (just in case you thought that was over and done now that I started working out regularly again, you can breath a sigh of relief, or worry, depending on which side of that particular fence you live on)...

and there's also a build up of stuff on the inside (as I tried to mention a few times, some of which emerged in fill-in entries in the January of the land of the mostly dead, but alas, once again time ran out before I got rolling there)... and if you do not remember (or did not read them before), you'll just have to try to figure out which are the newer fill-in writings and which are the writings that were actually written in January or in the months between then and now cuz I'll be a brat and not tell you...

I ask a lot, huh?...

anyway, I intend to take some time off work one of these days... and then, hopefully there will not be too much interference around this place and I will dive into the creative depths (and emotional abyss) and express the stuff still dragging me down and release more of whatever needs releasing so whatever healing or fixing or rising above that can happen will happen and I will remember how good exercise and living fully feels and return to doing just that even without a friend who knows and cares and helps or a equal partner on this journey through the madhouse of my mind and this world...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)