and so there you go (in the last entry that may have slipped by), an entry closer to the style of mini-magazines I published back in the eighties and nineties... one of these days I'll get those out of storage and start my publishing empire up all over again... that occupied my time during my previous solitary phase (when I had money to burn and more creativity and optimism than I do these days)... unfortunately, those projects went by the wayside when I fell in love and started a new shared life that didn't seem to have room for the creative me, or at least it was always put off for tomorrow... that's where I learned how to live in limbo, I think, or at least perfect the trick... anyway, would I have more readers if I used a more structured format?...

of course to use a structured format to criticize the shallowness of judging style over content is just one of those sneaky tricks I won't point out to you... you're too smart to fall for something so obvious, anyway... is that your eye twitching or are you just happy to see me?...

nudge nudge...

I did not sleep enough yesterday, having become ruthlessly addicted to blogMad and dream of becoming involved and helpful and useful to the blogging world of diarist and journal keepers and bloggers and babblers like me)... rush and the crew (the four apostles of blogMad) are geniuses and I have nothing to offer them in terms of technical merit, but maybe I can give some artistic performance like public relations or some sort of management stuff cuz that is I am good at when I want to me... am I motivated?... we shall see... for now, I am moderately addicted (I mean, I haven't called off a day of work for it yet)...

you know that ego is pushing me cuz the selfish bastard (that would be my ego, not rush, in this case) always dreams of superstardom and all the applause and adoration and worship that goes along with it... I'm quite sure my ego would happily have me crucified for a moment of unprecedented glory, but that's been done and should not be a mere ego trip anyway...

but you also know that it's not ego who runs me... if it was, I'd surely not humiliate myself so gleefully in so many words and places on the web and in the physical world... it's another much more powerful dream that has always attracted me to a point of near stardom (but no closer than near, because stardom, that is, a loss of relative invisibility, would taint this dream)...

and what dream could that be, candoor?...

why candora's dream, of course... the dream of falling in love... see, meeting lots of people increases the chances of meeting the right one... it's logical, even to my romantic heart who demands as little doubt or confusion as possible in these matters...

I mean, the reason I am not rich and famous anymore, ummm, in this life is because I want as little doubt as possible that someone chooses me for me because I am the right one, the one that fits, the one that makes everything perfect without any accessories or extra stuff... just me... and just the right one...

I took deliberate turns away from the spotlight all along the way because I did not want the spotlight (or wealth or fame) to be part of the equation... same reason (or so I tell myself) I tolerate laziness from this body recently... because I do not want someone choosing me for abs or pecs or being a studly muffin (I must copyright that name, Studly Muffins, consider it copy written)... I want someone who puts the inside, the person, the content first over anything else...

and then we can be studly and gorgeous and rich and famous together... or not, depending on what we want to do with each other... I've been there and want at least the healthy fitness part back because it feels so good and keeps conscious awareness and self most real, so I do not want someone who is afraid of being there (or afraid of not being there, for that matter)... maybe it's too much to understand, but it's pretty simple to me...

anyway, blogMad is on the cutting edge of the biggest wave of human communication since the telephone, maybe since the wheel... the internet as a personal communication tool... the internet as a literary (and audio/visual) home for the record of a life (that used to be stored in boxes in the basement and in hand written diaries and photo albums and recreation centers in the non-cyber world)... someday, and sooner than we might expect, to not have a personal internet presence will be seen as something as anti-social as not having a phone (and yes, some will always do their best to stay hermitized, but they are the few and their genes are seldom passed on)... soon, not having a personal site and web based contact system will be as odd as not having a social security card... online resumes, phone books, and services for everything from shopping to banking to ordering food to doing most anything you can do by telephone are already available and it is simply the easiest way of communicating and doing business...

at least it is the easiest way when the website is laid out simply and there I think rush and crew are right on target... as far as I know, only Yahoo, of the internet giants, are going in this direction and it's just a matter of time before the one of the big boys offer a fortune to the blogMad investors and hopefully that won't destroy the product, which is a place for community, for connection, for comfortable use of the web to share information about yourself or any interest you choose... it is not called virtual reality for nothing...

it's life, what life is all about for the social being, for the human on the web...

I suppose there's the makings of a reasonably effective article promoting blogMad and the web in general in this rambling... but it's that sort of thinking that makes writing work and not the free-for-all it is for me, so I'll leave it for you to edit if you like (or try to motivate me to, but I'm rather incorrigible and there's little incentive that works with me cuz no matter what i do, even when I wrote official papers for the government or when I compressed my rambling brain into acceptable writing for a degree program a university, I did not and am giving up the babbling... not even for chocolate... though sex and family have almost kept it on pause for a while... but it would have to be really good sex or immediate family, I think)...

if only the world found me as funny as I do*

but then, the world doesn't live in my head so it's ok that I enjoy myself the most... I'm the only one who can't walk away or change the channel, after all...

yes, so ultimately I am alive to find the one who shares all of my addictions and enough will power and discipline to concentrate energies on balance with a focus on the healthier ones (and the patience and tolerance and adaptability to share the journey completely openly and above all else, honestly without harm)...

what, it's not perfection... it's doable... wanna try?...

a fine start would be setting off on foot toward each other (that way the fitness is inherent in the coming together) and keeping in touch via laptop and cell phone... of course if we happen to be in the same general vicinity, we'll just have to run around each other a while until we return to ourselves (unless you are already there, in which case you'll need the bigger bucket of patience at first while I run around the bed a few million times)...

consider this a personal ad, then...

well, sort of... everything in the physical world changes, after all... it's the ethereal, the personality, the sense of humor, the intelligence, the character, the ideals, the ethics, the integrity, the thoughts and feelings and this, that, and everything that matter most in any relationship... but running around the bed a few million times is essential too...

* see what I mean?...

yeah, well, be that as it may be or not to be, the question we've come together tonight to ponder is the future of the internet... and us, how do we fit in... that's not a birds and the bees question, by the way, I know how we fit in that way... just where is your mind, anyway?...

you are going on a journey, a journey of mind... there are no sign posts up ahead, just the continued tapping of keys and appearance of characters on your screen... don't be confused, this is where light and sound lose substance, where your mind can travel to any destination your imagination can take it... you are about to enter the candoor zone...

please stand by...

actually, I'd rather you take a seat... get comfortable... cozy on up in your favorite jammies (you did know this was a sleepover, didntcha?) and release those endorphins... you know how... just let your mind go, it knows how to get here...

what's your favorite music?...

no really, that's not a rhetorical question... two questions, actually... what's your favorite music right now... and what's your favorite music of all time?...

genre?...

song?...

artist?...

to hear?...

to sing?...

to perform?...

to dance to?...

I think I am creating a survey... yes, yes, everybody, please go take my survey... it's my very first survey after years of being here and having survey creation privileges...

the scary thing is I will ask myself to answer it eventually and I don't know if I am quite in touch with myself enough at the moment to provide answers that will satisfy me... must take time to ponder...

alas, that is the challenge of the working idiot life (using the Jackson Browne phrase, not to denigrate it), finding the time off to focus, to really give yourself the selfish time to let everything go and find your ethereal balance... lucky you if you have not lost it... the question is, how can you be sure?...

I mean, in a world that's constantly changing...

how can you be sure?...

so do we have an entry yet?...

I mean is this an entry, not did anyone enter answers in the survey yet... and I don't mean do we have an entrant in the run around the bed contest yet either... just being irreverent... or maybe flippant, even... having fun, ya know?... fun for me at least...

so are we having fun yet?...

by now you may have noticed that this is not really a personal ad, but then, this is not really a diary either... it's page after page of free-associative babble that may or may not include the events of the day or the opinions of the author, but definitely reflects the static electricity passing through the author from his mismatched socks to his brain cells...

it's a puzzle for some... at least when I find time to re-read I am puzzled to put the words back together in my head and figure out what in the heck was on my mind...

but what does it all mean?...

it means you are welcome to be as you are and think as you wish and feel as you do and dance if you want to... yes, you can dance if you want to... you have safety... you have security... you have comfort in knowing you are welcome here... honored guests, may I sing your praises?... dear friends, come for your hugs?... and just in case you are the one right one and this is your first time meeting me through the language of my tongue as expressed by my fingers, please feel free to wake me up so we can start again...

I tend to write in my sleep, ya know?...

I have a personal ad somewhere... it's linked in my introductory notes which you can find in my written gardens and I believe you can find then faster through the back door (that is not a sexual reference, by the way, I mean, just in case you were wondering about my multiple layers of meaning) in the BIOS...

every computer has a BIOS, right?...

what's that?... a photo?... there's one of those floating around somewhere too... I think I put it in an entry just before last year's Blogathon... linkage to the Blogathon can be found on the left... or you could look through the archives... the blogathon was one day in early August when I uploaded an entry every thirty minutes for twenty four hours for charity... you'll have to pick out my mug shot from a bunch of others though, cuz that's just the way it is behind the candoor...

someday I'll own a digital camera and computer that can deal with graphics again and I'll return to my love of photography and regale you with any number of photos of me and whatever else passes before my lenses... I'll even participate in Half-Nekkid Thursday, if you insist... but since it's only Tuesday and I'm quite poor technologically speaking, you'll just have to play my little game if you really want to know...

I mean, you don't want to become an old married couple taking each other for granted too quickly, right?... be comfortable with the fun of learning, that's the greatest gift of the unknown... and the excitement of curiosity... the leaps of faith that friends take (and give each other)... these are a few of my favorite things...

well, the old clock on the wall says it's time to do a little work around here so I shall close up this computer and put it away... I really do hope you are having as much fun reading and I am writing (even though that would be unlikely)... at least have as much fun as you can, ok?...

of course I you get to know me or even run around the bed, you're welcome just a little bit more cuz then I know...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)