this next bit started somewhere else and I am not sure if it came from an email or a comment or, well, something else, but it is a response to thought of physical attraction to myself and anyone interested... it attempts to cut through the flirtations and irreverent teasings I do much of the time (which is fun and passes the time well until some more serious sharing comes along, but browsing for internet porn or writing fantasy lust or even fantasy love songs is not the reality of my heart... deeper, I want much more)...

ultimately, I seek honesty and I've met so few who were truly honest in the physical world... of course that could be my inexperience, or the limits of my experience (which is here in North America, though I've learned about other cultures from visitors and immigrants and I've found much more sensual honesty from Europeans, overall)... anyway, sometimes daily life pauses for some deeper reflection and this is one of those times... maybe it belongs more in another one of my diaries, but it's here and if you feel you need to be warned then consider yourself warned and in case you are not interested in reading the thoughts of my psyche and libido and such, feel free to skip it...

alrighty then...

it's fun and exciting to feel attracted to a pretty face (and what me and my libido find to be attractive may or may not be what you or popular opinion deem attractive, but that's the beauty of individuality... so be as beautiful as you are and those who have the chemical and psychological imprints of your appearance and personality in their own minds will adore you)... I do not usually follow the pack... if you want to know mine, dig up a link to my libido's website, I've surely tossed it in my babblings often enough by now... if you're lazy, visually start with Meg Ryan, Mila Kunis, Nicole DeBoer, that Garofalo girl, Sandra Bullock, and...

oh, ok, here...

and if you know me (or want to), then you know (or should learn) that my libido does not rule my world (though the clown does have a seat on the board and it is so much easier to fall in love with someone with that chemical psycho's approval)... also, to prevent further outbreaks of la la rejection like the kind I faced back in June, if I am not physically attracted to you, do not expect sex... and if that means we can not be friends, well, that is your sad choice... I don't see people primarily as sex objects, but it amazes me to find out how many people do... I'd much rather find a true friend than a lover...

you know the song?...

so in these days of looking for somewhere to turn for unconditional intimate trust and honesty in the physical world, I keep hope alive by imagining love, for it is as ready, willing, and able inside of me as it ever was, and by sharing love as well as I am able in as many was as I feel comfortable sharing... experience and knowledge have given me an awareness of potential hurts (and some profound scars), but there's no point in denying myself the one and only most favoritest dream of all among my dreams just because it might not stay true and might hurt more...

the hopelessly hopeful romantic in me stays alive and well in spite of eons of loneliness and mountains of hurts by falling in love as often as possible in my imagination (which has always been my second favorite place to be)... and sometimes the words flow (you have met candora, haven't you?)...

if you are here just for the political rants or the daily life details or the manic browsing and linkages or the praise I might find you inspired this week or anything else, well, feel free to skip the mush and be all cool with yourself...

I won't hold it against you...

literally...

it's ok if you didn't get it, most people don't and don't care enough to want to... we go through our lives mostly not listening, not feeling, not really being in touch with our deeper desires and motivations, not being ourselves but being whatever is expedient, whatever gets the job done... because that's how we fill the time of most of our days...

which leads me right into hearing May Each Day which is a core heart song in my personal soundtrack (which you can explore in the long neglected music area of my web home, as opposed to the way behind current soundtracks of this life which are much more random and influenced mostly by what is available at the library when I happen to get there every other month or so...

being distanced from music helps me stay distanced from sensuality (though I do not think help is quite the right word there as it's a sorry state of affairs to be repressed since there's only so much time in this life to experience the sensuality of our physical experiences... call me dummy and spank me... no actually, I am not into spankings {sorry to disappoint anyone who is}... withhold my chocolate then)...

and I dream a bass will join me, to fill the bottom in (thanks Harry)... this is, foolish or not, a strange phase of this life for me... I sit here writing about this and that and my roommates daily lives and interactions and I don't actually have much of an active daily life that is my own... I seem to be waiting for something or someone...

all through this life I've been the leader in all my relationships (personal and professional, one on one and in groups) mostly because I'd be the one still going (like the battery bunny) when everybody else is ready to stop moving, sit down, fall over, or stop thinking entirely... my brain seems to have an almost infinite supply of hormones to keep it excited and alert when the right stimulus is present and when I want to continue... and physically I still seem to be the last one awake all the time even in this body which is in the most deteriorated state of this life (is e4verybody else really so repressed and out of shape?... scary, really, scary for humanity - at least the humanity I've met)...

and suddenly (or has it been going on for a lot longer than I want to admit?) I am waiting for someone else to come along with the energy and creative interests and excitement about music and words and life and sensuality to take me by the hand and coax me back to my optimal place in this body in this life experience...

weird, waiting on someone else...

I mean actively... that is, I do little myself to move myself along, a respond to others, feed of creativity and humor and energy I find online and watch the wheels go 'round and 'round offline, mostly... the only initiating of anything I do is to give feedback and guidance at work (which is what my work is about) and at home... without the work I do and roommates I'd be quite the hermit...

waiting for someone else, yes, but waiting for a very specific someone else... someone who actually can take the lead with me... someone with an energy level at least near or surpassing mine... that I've yet to find in this life, so I've been searching and waiting forever, in this sense, but I used to go out several nights a week even up to a couple of years ago (almost every night until dawn in the early nineties... as you might know if you've read here a while, I was lucky enough to take most of the nineties off, as in didn't have to work)... and I used to wander through parks and museums and stores (especially music, book, and variety stores) and gyms and libraries and all sorts of interesting places during many days...

years of looking into peoples eyes hoping one of them would see the world as I see it, hoping one of them would trigger that just right feeling inside of me... and I came close a few times, but the deeper the sharing, the more obvious the self-deceptions people live... and maybe the biggest difference between me and everyone I've ever met is that I want my self-deceptions and inconsistencies and foibles and foolishnesses pointed out... that is an essential aspect of being honest in my mind...

the bottom line is, at least so far, nobody else seems to want that, completely open honesty and exposure of everything, every imperfection and especially everything I hide from or ignore about myself and anyone sharing real time and physical space with me, which means nobody else seems to want what I want, which is why I am alone today...

I hear the word compromise buzzing around...

but how to compromise the truth of senses that will not turn off or deny what they see and feel?... be less real?... drug myself?... accept repression and self-denial and pretend I don't know what's going on in my own actions (or inactions)?... deny my perceptions and awareness?... how does one compromise one's consciousness, one's sense of being, of self?... how does one become less self-aware?... less cognitive?... less sentient?...

go mad?...

well, it's madness to me to consider any path that might lead to such outcomes... and maybe that makes the one who is mad, but I I'd love to hear the DSM IV descriptions and justifications of my particular category of madness... private voyeuristic disorder, perhaps...

ah, so what do you think, dear doctors?... yes, dear readers, you've been educationally promoted for this entry... especially if you can hear the laughter within the frustration that is being expressed... Dr. Sippy says I'll make out just fine... Dr. Laura helps me remember who I am by believing in me (I believe in her too)... Dr. Moo loves so well it's amazing and that makes this world a much better place... Dr. Nicim melts me with lyrical memories... Dr. Sandyz says I'm profound, I think (ego loves her)... Dr. Nicole smiles at me and that's great medicine... Dr. Pfirsich says, well, I'm not exactly sure just what Dr. Pf is saying sometimes, but it sounds really good most of the time good...

I love the fact that I can semi-tease you guys like this J

feel free to send your diagnosis too...

this diary is free (almost) therapy and you provide it, even when you are not here or silent... the peanut gallery in my head puts on this show for us (used to be every day, huh?) and while there are much better shows out there, this is the one I can call mine and we can call ours... you, by your choice of being here and me, by my choice of exposing myself as I do...

it's quite an amazing thing sometimes, this process... I sometimes walk away after looking at one of my entries wondering just how in the world anyone is ever going to understand that... so many chords struck in such discordinant patterns, I wonder sometimes if the symphony I can hear actually exists anywhere outside of my mind...

but in the end, that it does exist in my mind is enough... sharing would be so enjoyable, but the bottom line is I get it... so I can sleep when I feel like sleeping and continue to be happy in me... lonely, but happy...

what else is new?...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)