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2004-06-16 - 2:12 p.m. and what would an agnostic say? maybe this will be on time and maybe it'll be late and maybe it'll be lost in time and maybe you will wait and maybe you won't... can we believe in each other even when we do not exist to be seen, touched, known in the physical sense?... and what would an agnostic say?... do you believe in love?... in god?... in power?... in anything?... and what if you watched a copy of The Ring with friends who died a week later and you didn't because you were the one who made the copy and brought it to your friends?... the trouble with copying CDs (or tapes or DVDs or anything) is is unless you are listening (or watching) very carefully you may not notice a flaw in the recording even if you just listened to (or watched) the original moments before and have a very good memory... what if you saw something flying through the sky and you couldn't describe it and it moved in ways you've never seen anything move before and you thought it was a UFO and took a video of it and you don't ever recall experiencing an anal probe, would you believe there is intelligent life somewhere in this universe?... so anyway, I hope all of our recordings are errorless, if not flawless... and pushing myself to stay awake because there's a meeting at 3:30PM today (not that it matters to the powers that be that I work 11PM to 8AM and could use a little sleep) and I might have nodded off this morning as I didn't sleep much yesterday except that on my way out of work today, staying an hour late because I went in an hour late because I watched the end of the NBA Championships last night, as lopsided as it was, I bumped into our program manager who asked me into her office so she could have me a verbal counseling about not showing up at last month's mandatory behavioral program training and she was tentative and apologetic because she had told me I didn't have to come and yet she was told she had to counsel everyone who didn't show up because the director stopped into the meeting and the power tripping person who was running the meeting and supposedly providing the training (because the manager and primary trainers did not show up) whined like a baby about people not showing up so I guess I was a bit frustrated that I've put myself in this position in this life after all I've been through... and yet, I was fed up with the politics and BS of administration and that's why I left the world for a while and wandered and now that I am back I took a ground floor night shift position to avoid the politics and BS... still, when I was a program manager, crap like this morning would not happen... and meanwhile, another manager asked me to come and train his staff in the very thing that the training I did not attend was about, knowing I know the stuff better than the people who would be training during the day... strange irony comes of the left hand not knowing what the right knows... anyway, my mind is wandering here and there and spinning in spirals around the facts of life today as the creativity is stiffled by fatigue and frustration and the folly of loneliness and the disorganization of humanity as a species and a potential coporate entity or any sort of system, so confused by fear and distraction, how can anything meaningful survive... the sun'll come up tomorrow, I suppose... and there are times when I remember what feels like a past life, perhaps as a hippie in the 60's or maybe a flapper in the 20s or maybe a jester in some mideval court, but then, it might have been a troubadore travelling through time... the cloth was very comfortable, the music was so sweet, the pleasure of companionship would not go down to defeat in spite of complications and confusion and fatal fear for there was hope in the eyes of the child whenever the rain would clock out the sun and then, through the clouds would come the gentle warmth that reminded the skin of the burning blistering bath of light and heat that hid behind the fluffy blankets... covered comfy warm and toasty gently rocking crotch to crotch, would you wonder why we're watching, wouldn't you there, stop to watch?... all the rubbernecking horses in the sun, how are we supposed to get any driving done?... I could probably sleep well right now, but I must leave for the meeting in a half hour or so and I did want to attend this one because it involves documenting the behavioral program and that is what I do, though others are paid to do it and use my system... so maybe I'll nod off here in the big green chair for a half hour or so, if this entry will be accepted today... and how are you?...
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