actually, after the gym and some writing and cooking and eating and showering and shaving and doing all the other daily incidentals, The Banger Sisters are on the toob, and here we are again... the babbler has been in a rather rambling mode lately and yet I have not had much to say (someone just appeared surprised and pointed at all the words and we look over nonchalantly and wondering why I am so insatiable and seem to always see room for more... like Patty Smyth said, never enough)... for you rhyme lovers who would rather be reading lyrical stuff like candora writes much of the time, there's a link to something just after the gym link below from the land of the mostly dead... it's one of the more positive of the dead rhymes...

there might be so many more words if I was sharing life intimately, different words... and there might be fewer some days because sharing in the physical world, living life off the page would take precedence over the writing... even though I love writing and do it every day no matter who is sharing life... well, then again, there was that time when I stopped in Toronto... that is probably what went wrong up there... stop writing, lose touch with self, anything is bound to happen... of course if the person sharing life is in it with you, you can survive anything... so it was a little more than not writing then... but I am out here a lot because nobody in the life offline nurtures me or the words these days...

I need (yes need... when want comes on so strong, it becomes need... still a choice, but letting go and ready to leap) someone who works night shift because they are night people (or a day job if she works days, but is still a night person) who loves words and music and exercise and fitness and extremes and visual imagery and sex and water and nature and numbers and games and foods and cuddling and touching and smiling and crying and feeling with a tried and tested and true open heart and free mind and able to actually be real and excited and peaceful and passionate and nurturing and intense and calm and active and casual and comfortable and cute and clever and moist and clean and creative and innocent and curious and honest, above all else honest...

at least...

watching the Banger Sisters I remember how much I love Goldie Hawn (not just looks, but energy and personality in everything she's ever done... she appears to nurture and appreciate and embrace her inner child and the energy level that comes with it)... and then I look around and remember daily life... as years pass I watch my generation let go of their inner children, give up on their dreams and inner truth (if they ever found any), and let their energy level drop to couch potato levels... it is so unappealing, just growing old and dying... and it starts so dang early... some just seem born inactive...

it's about health, energy, awareness, sensitivity, passion for living and loving without being afraid of finding the center of yourself and exploding from there (without worrying about what the world might say)... attractive looks just come along with that... so this is what comes after a little Goldie and one more bit of madness at the gym, I remember... we're not dead yet (actually that came before Goldie, though it would be a crime to come before Goldie, but that's another tangent, though after the gym)...

I've tried, I really have tried staying depressed and letting myself vege away to mental oblivion and physical potato-ness, but that just is not me... I have been through hell a few times, never knew the unconditional love of biological parents or family, never knew the nurturing of anyone who was really there to live and die for me and share our lives and interests and desires and dreams and goals and so on and so forth and you know the rest... there is a big black hole where such an experience appears for many, if not most people who have families, any sort of families who stuck around... I've got many very crystal clear tangible reasons to give up on myself, humanity, life... and I have tried everything I can think of to do it... but it just never works... I keep coming back to myself and the child inside who does not follow any rules and will not let anything change my mind about believing in love and the feeling in my heart...

enjoying myself and everything is just so much more fun than focusing on the negatives... and I just wanna have fun, ya know?... serious fun, intense fun, intimate fun, meaningful fun, profound fun (and some silly fun too), but fun... everything is fun if you want it to be... you just have to find the fun in it... feel the fun... be the fun...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)