while sort of waiting on the server to let me come here and start this entry (I decided to eat and copy a CD and watch some TV instead of writing in a file this time), I got to thinking about a girl who came to stay... she was not the kind of girl who put me down, ever, but she was the kind of girl who made me sorry and still... I don't regret a single day... except maybe the day I lost my mind and chose the desperation of humanity over my own mind, just to see if I could trust someone, just to see if someone would save me... I learned that nobody will save me, that I am always alone, that the illusion of sharing is way too fragile to be tested by any seriously life-death test... I also learned that I can not save anyone who does not want to be saved (and how many years did I waste trying?... long stories for some other time, perhaps), yet I still tried one more time and one more time and one more time again until I finally decided I had enough (and had nothing left to offer anyway)... and that is why I am alone today...

profound philosophical stuff or quasi-pathetic dribble, in any case, I fell asleep and it is now hours later... I drifted into the mystical depths of memories seldom disturbed, but still occasionally distrubing as they trail behind them scattered pieces of broken dreams and wishes that never did come true and ultimately, fading hopes that the bareworn threads of a distant life might not have irreparably unravelled and something even better than ever before might still be made of the dust found along the road... the road is long, with many a winding turn, if you know what I mean... and here I am...

so I woke up to find Precious doing some dance exercise with her headphones on in the open space that would be the dining room if we Rasputin ever puts together the kitchen table and she was full of last-day-of-school news... did I mention that she overslept so I found here here when I got home waiting for a ride to school... with an extra hour at work, that is why I didn't get to the gym until after nine and back here about ten and nodding out about whenever I started this entry... I squeezed in more CD recording and some eating with an episode of Sliders in the background and that brings us back around to now, waking from the nap... I reached for another CD to copy and found Volume four of TV Show theme songs and there were some memories and more from before my time that Precious and Rasputin came out to listen to... and as if the universe knew I was due for a blast of memory filled air today, I opened a bunch of CDs that the library sent over and found Beatles, Billy Joel, Elton John, Harry Chapin, and Tom Chapin (and a Veggie Tales Jonah CD that Precious went nuts over)... we listened to the Jonah CD as Precious sang along and Rasputing went to bed and then I grabbed Tom Chapin and I sang along cuz the kids music mood was in the air and pow, the blast from the past...

it was that very girl from this morning (see paragraph one for the brief mention) that went to see Tom at least a few dozen times, probably more, once upon a time... in venues as small as a living room with just fifteen people sometimes and in big auditoriums where the sing-a-longs Tom inspires are grander, if not as intimate... and so I ran through the three Tom Chapin CDs that arrived and Precious tolerated them (hey, why should I always be the audience) and now we are watching her DVDs of Friends, again... introducing Tom to someone was fun and very multi-layered as while laughing at the lyrics memories came rushing through me and, well, if you've been there in any way shape or form in your own life, you oughta know...

it was a long time ago and she was not the one, but it was great to have a devoted companion to live with and play with and share meals and fun with... comfort is not a substitute for romance and is much better when it is borne out of passion, but it is much much better than loneliness... all I need is love, la la la la la (actually, all I need now is old BeeGees Lonely Days which just happens to be one of the CDs the library sent over) to take me back to my own Tape 62 and the progressive personal tapes (heavy dramatic music should be playing now as this reference arisses from the deep) that were left with the last the one who was my own personal Judas (as opposed to the Depeche Mode reference) in Toronto... it's a sad, sad situation (and it's getting more and more absurd)...

but then, the lament portion of these thoughts of yesterday (when all my troubles seemed so far away) belong in the land of the mostly dead (where I leave most of my pathos and unfinished business, or should, at least, but have long neglected those unkempt and unsettled depths which is why entries like these appear because that stuff down there just has to ooze up somethere every now and then kind of like lava or some better metaphor I'll let you find for yourself since I am rambling on around the point if there ever was one)...

the story will be told in person, in tears (and in sweat and blood, no doubt) of anguish, catharsis, healing, and laughter... to someone who shares a similar enough perspective to be able to handle it all as I do, to all the extremes a body (and the energy within) can take it to... someday... if, of course, the answer to the question that titles this entry is yes...

meanwhile, I have Precious telling me about finding out her boyfriend met an old crush and was really excited today but wouldn't tell her why he was so happy and yet he told a mutual friend who told her even though her boyfriend asked her not to and... remember high school?... I miss it a lot sometimes, but listening to Precious reminds me that some things are better left behind... like the duplicity of human involvements and the foolish fears or power trips or whatever it is that keep people from being open and honest with each other especially in intimacies and therein wasting so much time sharing false moments filled with empty words and the seeds of many misunderstandings and worse outcomes...

hmmmm, lament turns to grumble, typical human pattern... it's taken long enough, but I've learned well, huh?...

actually, it's kind of an oddly ambivalent grumble at the moment since my mind is unfocused as I slept only a small nap and have distractions vying for my attention and soon the pizza will get here... yes, I ordered a pizza... and a calzone for Precious... since Rasputin is sleeping he'll probably grab some of my pizza, though it isn's his usual order... this is the first time I ordered anything on my own in a while, so I splurge...

I might have wandered deep into long sleeping creative fields and caverns and corners of my mind that have much to pour out if I lived alone... I wonder if that would have been for the better or... well, just another what if...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)