well, in spite of a lethargic beginning, an ambivalent mood (or vice versa, not meaning the opposite, but rather, an ambivalent beginning and a lethargic mood), and the universe presenting challenges (if not actually working against me), I survived the run... and not only that, I the clock said I did good... the leg muscles said woah, but not quite ouch... the abs almost said hello... actually, if I didn't clock the time I clocked for three miles on the trail (still a long way from what I consider good shape, but a definite improvement) I'd probably be quite unhappy with myself... time to eat...

and a couple of soy pizza burgers on some multi-grain bread (lite, 45 calories a slice... Pepperidge Farms, I believe... not bad at all) and seriously cheesy mashed potatoes (made with fat free cream, swiss, and cheddar cheeses... so it's ok, right?... as if it {what I eat} matters to me as much as I sometimes make it appear... if you only knew how haphazardly random everything is in my life these days, you'd be laughing right along with me)... but seriously, once, when I was a serious Vegan (couldn't have been too serious if it wasn't permanent, huh?... well, it was a few years of studying consumer goods to find the few things that do not come from or in any way use any sort of animal... pizza was the toughest thing to give up... well, then again, maybe it was chocolate... but Baker's chocolate was available... true Vegan cheeses just are not cheeses... anyway, I was a vegetarian a lot longer... now I'm a former vegetarian... an omnivore who only occasionally eats red meats and sometimes eats birds and often eats seafood and loves cheeses... I try not to think about what happens to the animals on farms, especially not the unhealthy stuff like antibiotics and forced feeding and overcrowding and... alas, ethically I am torn when I think about food and how humans use other species and the Earth... I should have been born on a farm I could create myself)... is talking about food anything like talking about the weather?... well, it's something to mention, and to know... we are getting to know, after all...

to my surprise and delight, I find you love me... well, you read me, and reading is love for a writer... not the commercial you feed me kind of love that readers who buy books give to the writers of books... I don't write for profit (though it sure would be nice to have more time to write and share and getting published and sold might provide more time, but if there is anything worth marketing in my rambles I've not been lucky enough to find {or be found by} the right editor or literary agent or catalytic person or publisher and I still don't have enough interest in self-editing or marketing to even self-evaluate my writing... no less actually sit down and focus on a story line or anything of that nature... kinda like the singer used to sing just for me and one or a few who came close enough to listen... the sharing I seek, creative sharing included, is a personal thing... as grand as ego can be, it's more a joke for me than a driving force... and I digress, I suppose)...

what I was getting to before I was parenthetically interrupted was the pleasure you provided moments ago when I found your notes (and not just here, which is even more surprising)... I truly do not expect regular readers even as I might appear to confidently address my dear readers from time to time... it's more a fantasy, a hope, a wish, an ego trip, than any real expectation... and yet, I find you are really here (there, out there, right here)... that is some of the most exciting news I've received in (why am I laughing?) pathetically too long...

am I bored? (not with you, certainly... but looking around this physical life)... I certainly spend a lot of time writing to you, imaginary readers and now, actual people readers (you are people, I suppose)... the answer leans toward yes... is it obvious?... as I wake the body, increasing energy levels, the brain cells wake... and as the brain cells wake, they realize that there's so little for them to do... so I fantasize a lot... and I imagine a lot... and I reach for other perspectives beyond the ones thought of before (no wonder I love sci-fi and fantasy)... reading is a wonderful escape (especially when I do it just a few nights a week so it remains a treat and not a routine), but it is limited... music is most likely the missing link, but the funds and time and space and privacy and most of all, interactions are not available today... the television hasn't presented anything stimulating, that is, a new creativity or new idea since Amazing Stories or Animaniacs... nothing a mind seeking new adventures, new thoughts, new ways to perceive the universe can dive into and get excited about...

I go for weeks without turning on the television and then, suddenly, I turn it on after returning from the gym and find I still prefer the Sci-Fi channel to any other commercial channel... this week I am discovering that Sliders presents a great example of a good idea driven into the ground by trying to carry it on after the original cast is gone... I never knew they continued the show with just Remmy and three new sliders... did they at least wean the old characters out and these new ones in over a season of episodes?... there's no appealing chemistry, visual, auditory, nada between this group... the writing was never the greatest, but now it just plain sucks... a shame, for it was a good idea and fun to watch...

I have been a human for a while now and become more and more bored with the experience with each passing year... falling in love and being in love is the most exciting and desireable experience I've known in this life, but I tired of doing it all by myself... creative play, through words, music, physical or ethereal arts, it's all fun and rewarding for me alone or in a crowd, but I am missing the balance of sharing... too much alone is getting old... I am ready for something new... someone new... where are the aliens when you need them?...

at least some old The Outer Limits come on to give me something interesting to fall into as I fall asleep... such an exciting life I live these days, huh?... am I considering a change?... back to wandering?... new job?... new place?... well, unless something interesting happens between now and the end of the current lease, maybe next year... the semi-conscious rambling allows for the blahs (and sometimes the blues, but the blues are a source of creative play for me so they are better than the blahs) to settle on my head like some odd dandruff... living among humans sometimes feels as if I've been dropped into a world inhabited by pod people, people who do not think for themselves and barely feel what it can feel like to be alive... and then I come here to write and explore your words and I find minds hungry for more (like mine?... maybe) and I wonder, are you human?... I used to think that if I ever did attract a regular audience by writing, that you'd have to be a rather strange lot... I mean that in the best way, a compliment I hope you understand...

but here, alone with the laptop, I ponder my navel and all I find is more lint... so what to do with all the energy when I feel like I've done all I want to do by myself in this lifetime?... at least all that can be done as a human on this planet... maybe I am wasted and I can't find my way home... there's a tape I haven't heard in many years... so long ago... was it all a dream?... even dreams are meant to be shared eventually...

you are not all a dream... you are real... not here to look at or touch, but real nontheless... your notes tell me so... so I am not dreaming... I think... I may be boring myself at times, but I keep coming back cuz I love me and find hope in continuing, even if only one in ten words are worth reading... and maybe you keep coming back out of boredom too, but also, if but one in ten, because you find hope in continuing too... just imagining that is such a sweet smile, that facing the reality of you being right here reading is a grin that touches my ears without a sound... maybe if I fall asleep I'll dream myself closer to you, to my dreams, to the sharing I so treasure...

did I mention that I often fall asleep in the middle of writing entries these days?...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)